Oh, Consuela, that's so hard. My mom went through that with her mom. Ultimately they'd probably be better off in an assisted living facility. They'd have more company, since you'd be at work full-time, and they'd also be set up if and when either of their health really starts to fail.

Not an easy conversation to have, though.

So my parents the other day (who live in a retirement community about 25 minutes away) announced that they thought it would be a good idea for them to buy a house with me.

I read your whole post and came back to this. It's their idea. Ouch. That lays all sorts of pressure on. Moving out of a retirement home and in with you doesn't seem like a step in a forward direction (assisted living does, though), honestly, unless you can provide care that professionals can't or won't. It seems like you have a good relationship with them, and see them a lot, and they aren't isolated from family, and that sounds like the best solution.

Of course this is all tainted with the guilt that I don't live in the same country as my aging parents and my sister does, and I feel like shit about it. But not enough, apparently.

I feel for you, Suela. I think we're close to this point ourselves. My dad's Parkinson's is progressing; he refuses to take medications, has started refusing appointments like the ophthalmologist (he has a macular hole that needs watching), hasn't left the house since Thanksgiving. My mom is tough and has been a caregiver her whole life, but she needs more than just sitting in the house.

I had this brief fantasy where my sister & brother-in-law would go, but a) he's the VP of a company, and probably couldn't leave and b) I suspect it would be a situation that was more stressful to my mom, ending up with her as on-call babysitter, than relieving.

So it's probably us. But right now, I can't even conceive of leaving here and our kiddoes and our work and our awesome house. And to do what? What job would allow us to be secondary caregivers?

It's all hard.

There's got to be a balance we can strike between eldercare and our lives. My parents' generation didn't hit it; they just sacrificed everything. And I don't want to do that, but not to is to not do what they did for me.

Ultimately they'd probably be better off in an assisted living facility.

Yes, they would, except (a) the expense is pretty significant (some of them run $4k/month, and up); and more importantly (b) my mother has an utter irrational horror of nursing homes. Even though assisted living isn't a nursing home, it doesn't matter.

She worked in a nursing home in the 1970s, and ever since then she has insisted we promise never to put her in one. She sees it as children dumping their parents to die in awful conditions. It's not rational: once when she was hospitalized and didn't get her meds properly, she became delusional about being in a nursing home and the nurses called us at 1 AM to come sit with her.

Frankly, I was hoping the dementia would progress to the point where she wouldn't care where she was, but apparently the one thing she's really able to hang onto is her fear. Even when she doesn't know what state she lives in, or her grandchildren's names, she knows enough to bitch about living in "a motel" and being afraid of nursing homes.

Ugh Connie, that's so hard.

I totally agree that if you agree, you are essentially agreeing to be the primary caregiver, and that's going to be very hard. Amy's right that assisted living may be a better choice for all involved, esp. if you can find a facility that offers your parents basically their own apt/studio so your father can maintain his independence.

Also, you should take any advice from me in this regard with a HUGE grain of salt since currently I am considering allowing my MiL to move into our house so we can better care for her and frankly the thought of actually doing it makes me want to run screaming.

My parents' generation didn't hit it; they just sacrificed everything.

Both my grandmothers spent the last decade or so of their lives living with their daughters' families. Never the sons, mind you: just the daughters. My aunt had eleven kids, and her mother, for a good twenty years.

I can't do that. When my aunt died, a couple of years ago, one of my cousins had spent the last four years of her life as her mother's full-time caregiver. She has depression, has no job, and was utterly wrecked by the experience. And her siblings were willing to let her do that, because it got them off the hook.

But how do I say to my parents, "Even if it were feasible to do this, I couldn't bear it"? I love my dad, and I want to help him, but this? Argh.

Frankly, I was hoping the dementia would progress to the point where she wouldn't care where she was, but apparently the one thing she's really able to hang onto is her fear.

Oh crap. Well there goes that one then. That's kind of why it's almost impossible for me to convince anyone in my MiL's family to consider an assisted living facility. Plus my MiL has all her faculties, she's just not well enough to care for herself.

Oh Suela! I honestly don't know what I would do if I was in your position. It's such a hard set of choices.

Oh, Suela, that's so hard. What Burrell just said about getting assisted living with their own apartment is probably the best option, and might be far enough away from a "nursing home" vibe that your mom won't be so fearful of it.

My mom recently told me that, after my youngest nephew goes to college in three years, she's thinking about moving back to Chicago, this time to the city itself, which I would love. She suggested we get a place together. I nixed that idea by telling her that, if everything goes the way I plan, I'll be actually having a social life as I lose my weight, which includes members of the opposite sex possibly coming over to my place for the evening, and I'd rather not have my mom there! She cracked up and agreed it wouldn't be a good idea.

Yes, they would, except (a) the expense is pretty significant (some of them run $4k/month, and up); and more importantly (b) my mother has an utter irrational horror of nursing homes.

It's the truth -- as far as I understand, they essentially take every asset and then work with Medicare to figure out where you can afford to be. It's not easy at all, especially with your mom's fear.

I hope you can figure something out that works for all of you. It's such a complicated position to be in, like Liese describes.

And Burrell, you too. It's so rough.

Oh, Connie, that's so hard. Does their current community have a social worker or doctor who could straight-talk and give them a guilt trip of their own about asking you to do this?

Blessings on my parents, who picked their current retirement community because it has the facilities to care for them the rest of their lives, and saved us the pain of having to choose for them.