bonny, your description of your difficulties with your friend ("friend"?) reminds me strongly of a situation with a friend of mine, years ago. I could be projecting, but... When you talked about why you were friends and listed what you'd done for her and what she'd done for you, it read to me like, "I gave her emotional support and useful advice on communication skills, and was always available to help her out whenever she needed something, and she introduced me to her friends, bought me stuff, and hung out and watched TV with me." Of course, I don't really know you, and certainly don't know her, but that struck me as a terribly one-sided relationship, heavier on your end than hers. And the way you phrased it made me wonder (if that were true) if you even realized that what she was giving you didn't really cost her anything. Whereas what you were giving her was both valuable to her and costly to you.
You've spent a lot of time and effort and emotional pain learning to how to communicate the way you do, and learning how to understand yourself. Most people don't, most people can't, and some people never recognize any such need. (Remember that article about how incompetent people often cannot recognize competence, and even devalue it because they can't understand it? I think the same is true of emotional competence. Some people lack it so completely they lack awareness of it; they can't even see it when it exists in others.) When you say you want her to give back to you no more or less what you've done for her, maybe she can't. And I'm not saying the means you should let her poor little self off the hook, I'm saying maybe that means she's always going to be a drain on your energies, as you do the vast majority of the emotional "work" of the relationship, and if you can't accept that and find something worthwhile in her friendship despite that (not saying you should!), maybe you're better off without her.
(Remember that article about how incompetent people often cannot recognize competence, and even devalue it because they can't understand it? I think the same is true of emotional competence. Some people lack it so completely they lack awareness of it; they can't even see it when it exists in others.)
Truer words, man. That's exactly it.
Zen, this conversation has been hugely valuable to me...thanks to everyone involved...the insight has been truly inspiring.
what she was giving you didn't really cost her anything
This makes me want to weep, it is so true. I never realized it at the time, but a rigorous historic inventory proves it.
I don't feel used, but I do feel that the balance was never level.
You are also very, very right about emotional competence.
I can't blame K for having let me carry her emotional water. I did the lugging. I allowed myself to feel less-than because she has more than 10 times the money I have ever had (that's actual math, not an exaggeration) and would pay for those fancy dinners.
I liked being heroic in helping her with her ugly family and business problems. So, it wasn't benefit-free for me. But I should not have misconstrued letting me do what I do best for being connected to me.
if you can't accept that and find something worthwhile in her friendship despite that (not saying you should!), maybe you're better off without her.
This, combined with David's earlier point about the three legs of a relationship (which was great) make it clear that K doesn't actually want to be there for me, even when she can. (or is not capable of it)
I never could talk to K on a level that was right for me. Fortunately, I can count at least 5 people to whom I can say anything...maybe not about 'us' in any given moment, but rubber does meet the emotional road. In this, I am richer than most.
I was so, so sad about this loss earlier, but the excellent challenges and insights of the conversation have led me to a calmer, less dramatic conclusion.
As if on cue, one of my mighty five just rang and proved how fortunate I actually am. Yeah, it's all good.
I'm glad to hear it, bonny.
I went to the doctor. As I suspected, I've got bronchitis. So now I also have antibiotics, a new inhaler, and cough syrup with codeine.
I spent literally years trying to diplomatically pull away from my now-former best friend when I could no longer afford to spend the emotional energy it was requiring to keep the friendship going. When things finally came to a head, I wished in retrospect that I'd been much more honest and blunt with her much earlier. Like any other breakup, there was never going to be a way to end the relationship without hurting her - I should have just ripped the bandaid off clean instead of picking at it hoping it would just fall off on its own.
(Ironic that the person who introduced me to the Nields in the first place is now the reason I can't listen to the song "Gotta Get Over Greta" without wincing, but I guess that's life.)
(Kate P can vouch for that being ironic. I have a feeling almost everyone else in this thread will have to take my word for it...)
How airport security is done in israel:
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