I spent literally years trying to diplomatically pull away from my now-former best friend when I could no longer afford to spend the emotional energy it was requiring to keep the friendship going. When things finally came to a head, I wished in retrospect that I'd been much more honest and blunt with her much earlier. Like any other breakup, there was never going to be a way to end the relationship without hurting her - I should have just ripped the bandaid off clean instead of picking at it hoping it would just fall off on its own.

(Ironic that the person who introduced me to the Nields in the first place is now the reason I can't listen to the song "Gotta Get Over Greta" without wincing, but I guess that's life.)

(Kate P can vouch for that being ironic. I have a feeling almost everyone else in this thread will have to take my word for it...)

How airport security is done in israel:

[link]

Jessica, I know Gotta Get Over Greta. Love The Nields.

Ma to ND, and Frankenbuddha, and jobma to Aims, and big fat hugs to bonny for her fearless self-examination. You are such a role model to me. And smooches all around for the whole convo, really. So much wisdom and love on this board, I really do marvel on a daily basis.

I've had quite a tumultuous week at work, too much to even sum up, kind of a mixed bag. Suffice it to say that I am looking forward to this weekend SO MUCH. Seeing Nora and Tom and I hope DJ's cousins and Mack and Smitty and B and music and food... it's going to be totally glorious.

smonster, did you see I dedicated a song to you in Natter?

bonny, I'm glad the conversation was useful to you.

One thing I've always felt about romances, which I think can apply to intensely close friendships as well, is that you sort of write the constitution of the relationship in the early days. And it's very difficult to change the ground rules of the relationship later. You can amend it, but short of a revolution that's your Constitution.

So if the relationships starts with you giving giving giving and helping her sort out her family business, and her role is, uh...Fabulosity! Then wanting it to be more equitable later will often feel like an imposition to the person that was coasting.

I'm pretty sure that in her mind she's the aggrieved party and you're being unreasonable and demanding.

Hec, no! I'm not in Natter these days, can't keep up. Will pop over though.

I'm pretty sure that in her mind she's the aggrieved party and you're being unreasonable and demanding.

Well, that's how everybody is, right? Most people don't say "I'm being unreasonable and demanding." Or at least not as their first response.

Hec, no! I'm not in Natter these days, can't keep up. Will pop over though.

No, I'll get the link for you. You worked hard all day.

Outkast repurposed for smonster.

Hec, I think you're right about the "relationship Constitution". People tend to establish a dynamic real early on, and it's almost impossible to change it, especially if one party thinks the way things are is just fine.

bonny, I"m glad you found the discussion useful.

I read a book when I was a teenager called The Dance of Anger that was probably the first time I was able to see the people in my life and our relationships objectively. Interpersonal dynamics seemed almost like tidal forces, forces of nature, and I realized you (the general you) can't change the other person, and you can't always change yourself, but you can change the dynamic - if you change the way you act/react in the dynamic, the dynamic HAS to change around you. You become like the rock in the stream. It may not change the way you want it to, but if it has to change, you can change it - even if only by leaving it.

And now I realize that I was smarter when I was a kid than I was in my twenties and thirties. Maybe it was the hormones.

I'm going to blame my confusion on the remnants of a migraine that I've got... It made you think of me b/c I'm so notoriously not a morning person?

Codeine cough syrup is making me nicely mellow. And not coughing as much. Still coughing some, but it's calmed down a lot.