Zen, this conversation has been hugely valuable to me...thanks to everyone involved...the insight has been truly inspiring.
what she was giving you didn't really cost her anything
This makes me want to weep, it is so true. I never realized it at the time, but a rigorous historic inventory proves it.
I don't feel used, but I do feel that the balance was never level.
You are also very, very right about emotional competence.
I can't blame K for having let me carry her emotional water. I did the lugging. I allowed myself to feel less-than because she has more than 10 times the money I have ever had (that's actual math, not an exaggeration) and would pay for those fancy dinners.
I liked being heroic in helping her with her ugly family and business problems. So, it wasn't benefit-free for me. But I should not have misconstrued letting me do what I do best for being connected to me.
if you can't accept that and find something worthwhile in her friendship despite that (not saying you should!), maybe you're better off without her.
This, combined with David's earlier point about the three legs of a relationship (which was great) make it clear that K doesn't actually want to be there for me, even when she can. (or is not capable of it)
I never could talk to K on a level that was right for me. Fortunately, I can count at least 5 people to whom I can say anything...maybe not about 'us' in any given moment, but rubber does meet the emotional road. In this, I am richer than most.
I was so, so sad about this loss earlier, but the excellent challenges and insights of the conversation have led me to a calmer, less dramatic conclusion.
As if on cue, one of my mighty five just rang and proved how fortunate I actually am. Yeah, it's all good.
I'm glad to hear it, bonny.
I went to the doctor. As I suspected, I've got bronchitis. So now I also have antibiotics, a new inhaler, and cough syrup with codeine.
I spent literally years trying to diplomatically pull away from my now-former best friend when I could no longer afford to spend the emotional energy it was requiring to keep the friendship going. When things finally came to a head, I wished in retrospect that I'd been much more honest and blunt with her much earlier. Like any other breakup, there was never going to be a way to end the relationship without hurting her - I should have just ripped the bandaid off clean instead of picking at it hoping it would just fall off on its own.
(Ironic that the person who introduced me to the Nields in the first place is now the reason I can't listen to the song "Gotta Get Over Greta" without wincing, but I guess that's life.)
(Kate P can vouch for that being ironic. I have a feeling almost everyone else in this thread will have to take my word for it...)
How airport security is done in israel:
[link]
Jessica, I know Gotta Get Over Greta. Love The Nields.
Ma to ND, and Frankenbuddha, and jobma to Aims, and big fat hugs to bonny for her fearless self-examination. You are such a role model to me. And smooches all around for the whole convo, really. So much wisdom and love on this board, I really do marvel on a daily basis.
I've had quite a tumultuous week at work, too much to even sum up, kind of a mixed bag. Suffice it to say that I am looking forward to this weekend SO MUCH. Seeing Nora and Tom and I hope DJ's cousins and Mack and Smitty and B and music and food... it's going to be totally glorious.
smonster, did you see I dedicated a song to you in Natter?
bonny, I'm glad the conversation was useful to you.
One thing I've always felt about romances, which I think can apply to intensely close friendships as well, is that you sort of write the constitution of the relationship in the early days. And it's very difficult to change the ground rules of the relationship later. You can amend it, but short of a revolution that's your Constitution.
So if the relationships starts with you giving giving giving and helping her sort out her family business, and her role is, uh...Fabulosity! Then wanting it to be more equitable later will often feel like an imposition to the person that was coasting.
I'm pretty sure that in her mind she's the aggrieved party and you're being unreasonable and demanding.
