I need some reasonable retort advice.

The message I sent to the bff expressing my concern with the way things have changed in our relationship and how hurt I have been by some of her recent behavior got an interesting response.

In my message, I said that I really understand that she's super busy these days. I also pointed that I asked 7 months ago for us to be able to use video chat, rather than the usual squeezed-between-errands calls or one line emails with zero personal content from her.

It also included a good deal of emotional content that was appreciative but not willing to pretend that I don't feel the way I feel.

I got a response that said she was 'shocked' and has 'a different perspective'. At no point did she step forward emotionally or acknowledge my feelings. She said she'd get back to me after thinking about it.

Eventually, she responded that she was looking for her camera and wants to schedule Skype so she can see me. Again, no emotion. In fact, it 'sounded' pretty demanding.

I should have asked for advice sooner because I responded saying that I'm not comfortable pulling out the video chat at this point and that I would rather not have a conversation about how she thinks my feelings are wrong.

Her response was, "okaaaay...not sure where this leaves us." Full stop.

My initial thought was, well, that leaves us with you basically admitting that the only reason you want to talk is to tell me my feelings are wrong...and you have to do that on your own terms. So. No thanks. And, by the way? Thanks for proving my point about the annoyance that is the one line email.

What would be a better thought, and/or response?

She always says it so admiringly, and yet... yeah, not so much.

Aww. In our house we've had to have a few talks about how Mommy's big belly is a fun happy topic for conversation, but it's not really polite to ask if Daddy is also going to have a baby come out of HIS big tummy.

ugh, bonny. At this point I would be asking myself if the good that's coming out of this relationship outweighs the bad. Is bff worth the effort when she doesn't seem to be willing to meet you half way, let alone understanding how you feel?

ugh, bonny. At this point I would be asking myself if the good that's coming out of this relationship outweighs the bad. Is bff worth the effort when she doesn't seem to be willing to meet you half way, let alone understanding how you feel?

Sadly, this is my sense of it. Still, as a normally cordial person, I'm not sure how to articulate that without coming off as a bitca.

Well, you could see setting up a camera as acknowledging your feelings. You said that was important to you and now she's doing it. If it really has been a lon friendship, I would give it another chance where you can speak to each other. She may be waiting to talk about feelings with you until you can actually "see" each other.

Do you have to? I feel like you laid out all your feelings for her and she completely overlooked them. If it was me I'd queue up a bunch of, "sorry, I don't have room/time for that right now" for her and figure maybe in a few years the friendship will come back around.

Barb, listen to sj. sj is wise.

bonny, listen to Laga. Laga is wise. I don't think you can teach her to be willing to acknowledge or consider your needs and feelings. She has made it plain that it is ok for her to jerk you around with regards to when and how you spend time together, but that it is not ok for you to have emotions independent of her judgment. Look at which way the energy is flowing - can you sustain the energy you spend on her, with the return she is giving you? Or is it time to just let her go.

Scrappy, I take your point but one thing I said initially was that I had waited so long for the video thing that I'm not sure I even want it any more. I should mention that I asked more than 6 months ago. She said she was down with it and would get to it in a week. After two reminders and a particularly snotty/defensive "I don't have time to find my camera!' response about 5 months ago, I gave up. NOW, it's her idea and, therefore, the only solution.

Look at which way the energy is flowing - can you sustain the energy you spend on her, with the return she is giving you? Or is it time to just let her go.

Yeeeaaaaahhhh. There's the rub.

Scrappy is wise once again. I have no idea if this is true for your friend but if I was on the receiving end of the letter you sent her I'd be feeling hurt and defensive and also like I couldn't really express myself in an email message.

I can also see where setting up a video chat would be the kind of task that would overwhelm me. No matter how much I loved the person who would be on the other end of it.

Not that your feelings of disappointment in her and the friendship aren't valid, bonny.