Oatmeal:

Randomly, here's my follow-up on e-mailing my friend that I couldn't make it to her wedding:

In her e-mail, she not only asked if we could make it, but also said it had been a while since we had seen each other, and asked how things were going.

An unfortunately timed question, that.

So, I told her that Tim's mom died, and that some other stressful things had happened around the same time, and it was hard, but we were doing basically okay.

WHAT. SHE ASKED.

No response from her. Zero. I realize she's busy planning a wedding on the other side of the continent, but seriously, DON'T ASK ME WHAT'S GOING ON IF YOU DON'T ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT. Just ask whether I'm coming to your wedding or not and don't bother with pleasantries if you don't give a damn about the answer of how I'm doing.

God DAMN. I'll send a place setting, but please cordially fuck right the hell off.

bitch. Although I must admit that I have asked the same question hoping for a quick "fine," but not from a real friend. On this end, today started with a rejection. I always hate that, but so many of the stories we get at our journal are so AWFUL. If any of the disabled Bitches want to try your hands at it, I'd consider it a great favor.

Steph, how long has it been since you replied to her email? While I hate that people are so shallow, since this person has been a close friend of yours in the past I'd try to give her the benefit of the doubt for a while longer. But, yeah, it sucks that despite wedding business she didn't immediately write you back to condole with you in the stress you've been going through.

I don't know what it is with me but when people ask me how I am, I keep thinking they actually want to hear the answer. So I tell them. And they get all weird about it. I really have to re-learn how to say "fine" because "How are you?" is our culture's way of saying "Insert appropriate shallow phrase here so we can greet and get on our way.

My dad asked me how my meeting went yesterday and walked away from me in the middle of me replying! I had to tamp down my feelings and just tell myself that's the way he is.

Steph, how long has it been since you replied to her email?

5 days. But, honestly, in thinking about it, I'm not sure why I expected any kind of response. It's not just that she's busy planning a wedding (although I recognize that that's a lot of work, especially when you're planning a destination wedding that you can't be there in that location to actually do the planning), it's the general attitude of not-quite-willing-to-engage-in-the-details of your life, as in sending me the fucking invitation to "Steph and Guest," rather than using the name of the man I've been living with for 3 years.

So, whatever. It's unfortunate, but I just don't have the energy to deal with giving too much of a crap right now.

Teppy, it sounds like you made the right choice regarding attending the wedding.

While all I know about death and grieving in the U.S. comes from American TV, if I were in Steph's shoes, I'd expect a call (and not just an email) within 72 hours, or a week if you're very forgiving and patient people. Or a very good excuse. A simple call takes 5-10 minutes, and everyone feels better at the end.

That's, at least, my inner Miss Manners' take.

And this doesn't have anything to do with "do people actually expect an answer" question. If you got an answer which isn't "fine", "OK", "dandy" or a nod and "and you?", it's only appropriate to respond.

That sucks. I'm sorry a friend of yours treated you that way.

Much ~ma for Max and his people, Fred. Poor thing has been through a lot this past year, hasn't he?

While all I know about death and grieving in the U.S. comes from American TV, if I were in Steph's shoes, I'd expect a call (and not just an email) within 72 hours, or a week if you're very forgiving and patient people. Or a very good excuse. A simple call takes 5-10 minutes, and everyone feels better at the end.

I was SO surprised at the people who sent sympathy cards to our house -- my sister-in-law's parents, and my stepdad's mother, for instance. And there were some meatspace friends who not only drove what was surely over 45 minutes to get to the visitation, they stayed the entire time. Just blew me away.

But, you know, different people have different priorities.

When I was going through paperwork last weekend, I found the box of stuff from my mother's funeral (which was in 1984, and this box was in my dad's stuff which I got in 2000, don't judge me).

I flipped through the book of names of people who attended the service, the log book of who brought food and such, and the piles of cards and plant/flower enclosures, and was really blown away by the number of people and who those people were. I mean, my friends and their parents, the several art organizations my folks were part of, my teachers, my dentist (!).

While all I know about death and grieving in the U.S. comes from American TV, if I were in Steph's shoes, I'd expect a call (and not just an email) within 72 hours

I guess it's a small town thing, but to my 2010 urban-anonymous sensitivities it seemed really nice. I figure most people email these days, or god forbid text. And yet, it was nice to have the physical record 20 years later.