While all I know about death and grieving in the U.S. comes from American TV, if I were in Steph's shoes, I'd expect a call (and not just an email) within 72 hours, or a week if you're very forgiving and patient people. Or a very good excuse. A simple call takes 5-10 minutes, and everyone feels better at the end.
I was SO surprised at the people who sent sympathy cards to our house -- my sister-in-law's parents, and my stepdad's mother, for instance. And there were some meatspace friends who not only drove what was surely over 45 minutes to get to the visitation, they stayed the entire time. Just blew me away.
But, you know, different people have different priorities.
When I was going through paperwork last weekend, I found the box of stuff from my mother's funeral (which was in 1984, and this box was in my dad's stuff which I got in 2000, don't judge me).
I flipped through the book of names of people who attended the service, the log book of who brought food and such, and the piles of cards and plant/flower enclosures, and was really blown away by the number of people and who those people were. I mean, my friends and their parents, the several art organizations my folks were part of, my teachers, my dentist (!).
While all I know about death and grieving in the U.S. comes from American TV, if I were in Steph's shoes, I'd expect a call (and not just an email) within 72 hours
I guess it's a small town thing, but to my 2010 urban-anonymous sensitivities it seemed really nice. I figure most people email these days, or god forbid text. And yet, it was nice to have the physical record 20 years later.
ION - I'm not sure it's important enough to go to Press, but I published a protected post (the kind that requires a password) on my blog yesterday, because it's not really academic and all that jazz. I just wanted to mention that Buffistas can always ask me for passwords to protected posts. There will be at least one more in the immediate future.
FTR, that post has nothing to do with the Great Discussion we had on Bitches 45 (and a bit here). It's just not my regular style.
I figure most people email these days, or god forbid text. And yet, it was nice to have the physical record 20 years later.
I usually prefer emailing, but in this case, I find it better and easier to make an actual call. While I wouldn't know what to write after 3 lines of an email, even to a socially-awkward creature as myself it's easier to meet the grieving person's feelings and needs with a phone call. Easier to understand how he or she actually feels.
And, err, gonna edit a clarification to my post before that post in a minute. Just in case.
I suffer badly from wanting to say exactly the right thing and ending up saying nothing at all.
I suffer badly from wanting to say exactly the right thing and ending up saying nothing at all.
During my last year of law school, a close friend (who was also in her last year of law school) lost her mother. I was lucky to find a card that said, in effect, "I don't know what to say, but I offer sympathy."
And Shir, yes -- Max is the same one who's suffered the lung infection and the nasal cancer.
I found Dan through OKC, so it does work. I know a few people married through it.
*raises hand* Like me! In, um, six days and six hours. Not that I'm counting!
Would a disclaimer that says "I suk @ grammer and puntuation n speling" help?
Argh, no! You're probably joking about this, but seriously, that would cause me to click away IMMEDIATELY.
Steph, I'm sorry your friend hasn't followed up with you after your email. For what it's worth, planning a wedding really is a lot of stress-making busywork, and she may be wanting to wait until she really has the time and focus to send you a thoughtful reply or make a lengthy phone call. I don't really know the situation, of course, and I'm not saying you shouldn't be angry; I guess I'm just holding out hope that she will eventually come through.
