Steph, how long has it been since you replied to her email? While I hate that people are so shallow, since this person has been a close friend of yours in the past I'd try to give her the benefit of the doubt for a while longer. But, yeah, it sucks that despite wedding business she didn't immediately write you back to condole with you in the stress you've been going through.

I don't know what it is with me but when people ask me how I am, I keep thinking they actually want to hear the answer. So I tell them. And they get all weird about it. I really have to re-learn how to say "fine" because "How are you?" is our culture's way of saying "Insert appropriate shallow phrase here so we can greet and get on our way.

My dad asked me how my meeting went yesterday and walked away from me in the middle of me replying! I had to tamp down my feelings and just tell myself that's the way he is.

Steph, how long has it been since you replied to her email?

5 days. But, honestly, in thinking about it, I'm not sure why I expected any kind of response. It's not just that she's busy planning a wedding (although I recognize that that's a lot of work, especially when you're planning a destination wedding that you can't be there in that location to actually do the planning), it's the general attitude of not-quite-willing-to-engage-in-the-details of your life, as in sending me the fucking invitation to "Steph and Guest," rather than using the name of the man I've been living with for 3 years.

So, whatever. It's unfortunate, but I just don't have the energy to deal with giving too much of a crap right now.

Teppy, it sounds like you made the right choice regarding attending the wedding.

While all I know about death and grieving in the U.S. comes from American TV, if I were in Steph's shoes, I'd expect a call (and not just an email) within 72 hours, or a week if you're very forgiving and patient people. Or a very good excuse. A simple call takes 5-10 minutes, and everyone feels better at the end.

That's, at least, my inner Miss Manners' take.

And this doesn't have anything to do with "do people actually expect an answer" question. If you got an answer which isn't "fine", "OK", "dandy" or a nod and "and you?", it's only appropriate to respond.

That sucks. I'm sorry a friend of yours treated you that way.

Much ~ma for Max and his people, Fred. Poor thing has been through a lot this past year, hasn't he?

While all I know about death and grieving in the U.S. comes from American TV, if I were in Steph's shoes, I'd expect a call (and not just an email) within 72 hours, or a week if you're very forgiving and patient people. Or a very good excuse. A simple call takes 5-10 minutes, and everyone feels better at the end.

I was SO surprised at the people who sent sympathy cards to our house -- my sister-in-law's parents, and my stepdad's mother, for instance. And there were some meatspace friends who not only drove what was surely over 45 minutes to get to the visitation, they stayed the entire time. Just blew me away.

But, you know, different people have different priorities.

When I was going through paperwork last weekend, I found the box of stuff from my mother's funeral (which was in 1984, and this box was in my dad's stuff which I got in 2000, don't judge me).

I flipped through the book of names of people who attended the service, the log book of who brought food and such, and the piles of cards and plant/flower enclosures, and was really blown away by the number of people and who those people were. I mean, my friends and their parents, the several art organizations my folks were part of, my teachers, my dentist (!).

While all I know about death and grieving in the U.S. comes from American TV, if I were in Steph's shoes, I'd expect a call (and not just an email) within 72 hours

I guess it's a small town thing, but to my 2010 urban-anonymous sensitivities it seemed really nice. I figure most people email these days, or god forbid text. And yet, it was nice to have the physical record 20 years later.

ION - I'm not sure it's important enough to go to Press, but I published a protected post (the kind that requires a password) on my blog yesterday, because it's not really academic and all that jazz. I just wanted to mention that Buffistas can always ask me for passwords to protected posts. There will be at least one more in the immediate future.

FTR, that post has nothing to do with the Great Discussion we had on Bitches 45 (and a bit here). It's just not my regular style.

I figure most people email these days, or god forbid text. And yet, it was nice to have the physical record 20 years later.

I usually prefer emailing, but in this case, I find it better and easier to make an actual call. While I wouldn't know what to write after 3 lines of an email, even to a socially-awkward creature as myself it's easier to meet the grieving person's feelings and needs with a phone call. Easier to understand how he or she actually feels.

And, err, gonna edit a clarification to my post before that post in a minute. Just in case.