During the earthquake, the main island of Japan shifted eight feet to the East.

Oh, and the Earth wobbled on it's axis four inches.

And our days will be 1.6 microseconds shorter, due to the earth's rotation speeding up.

You guys, I cannot thank you enough for your advice and wisdom and just your general support and threats of ass-kicking. Seriously.

Since my last, long-ass post, I went to the gym having eaten a banana first (I've had no appetite lately, but I know that working out without eating is stupid), and I rode the exercise bike like I was fleeing Dick Cheney with a gun.

I'm sure you can guess what's coming.

I got home, having exhausted myself with only a banana for fuel, and ended up technically not passing out, but so close as to make no difference. Tim made me eggs and toast and gatorade. Then he sat down and told me, without me bringing it up (though it's the only thing on our minds right now) that he is stressed and pissed (at ex's son, not me), and doesn't want him staying here when he gets out of jail.

My problem? I am too soft-hearted and the ideal mark for a con (and the Police Athletic League when they call asking for donations). I said to Tim, "Where is he going to go? He has nowhere to stay." Tim said, "He can sleep in his car. He's NOT staying here."

Steph, I feel for you so much, I don't even have words. I'm just reminded of all the times I've been asked for an inch and ended up giving a mile, because for whatever reason I couldn't walk away.

That's partly it. A lot of it is me; now that I've been pulled into the perimeter of this, I feel like I can't just make this kid sleep in his car. Nevermind the dog.

Was Tim his stepfather at one point? If so I think I can see the impulse, but the extent needs to be reigned juuuuuuust a bit.

Tim was not legally his stepfather, because he and the ex were not married; they lived together for 2 or 3 years, and the kid lived with them (though perhaps not all the time). And the kid's bio father is an asshole. Literally a Hell's Angel, who did some horrific stuff to Tim's ex.

Man, I hate getting pulled into the consequences of so many people's bad choices.

But let me ask, and I am only trying to get full information: had Tim stated that if things don't work out, he wants your house to be offered to whathisface? Is this explicit, or implicit?

That is an excellent question, and since I've been mostly venting here, I didn't actually lay stuff out, did I? No, Tim has never said he wants to offer a our house as a place for ex's son to stay. (In fact, as I said above, as of this afternoon, he said that ex's son is NOT staying with us). My worry is because of his well-intentioned yet vaguely defined desire to "help" the kid. He has a bond with him that isn't exactly paternal, from the time they spent together. And I admire that about Tim.

But the danger of vague statements of wanting to "help" are exactly what causes the give-an-inch-take-a-mile situations. And I fear Tim's compassion leading him to say, sure, crash on our couch until you move to Texas/get a job/get an apartment -- and then he can't find work (which is legitimate around here; he's a welder, and industry is not booming in southwestern Ohio) or an apartment and can't fucking move to Texas, at least not until his probation is up in February 2012.

Your home is your refuge. I can't overemphasize this, esp. as you are not a person who likes or needs to be with people, or touched or out in social situations. Having this person in your home would be like being touched by strangers; it would be like acid eating away at you. This is not ok; it isn't an option. This person has made his own damn bed, and he will have to lie in it.

Oh, my god. Even having the dog here is a transgression so far past my boundaries that I can't cope. (Our dog Kato is NOT HAPPY about it, either. He's ignoring Guest Dog and moping a lot. I'm concerned about him.) She's a good dog (more obedient than Kato in a lot of ways), and sweet, but if I'm ever ready for another dog post-Chloe, I want it to be our decision, not a dog foisted upon us because someone can't get their life together.

When in high dudgeon, it is easy to focus on the potentially awful stuff that hasn't happened yet.

bonny, get out of (continued...)

( continues...) my brain! In crises, my MO is to focus on the potentially awful stuff. I am Chicken Little magnified by a bajillion. A lot of my freaking out if because of the what-ifs.

t edit I posted that before I read Scrappy's recent post on catastrophizing, and I'll just say again that that *is* totally what I'm doing, and I can see how it's not helping anyone, least of all me.

And my default is to believe that I have no rights, my feelings don't matter, and if I don't do exactly what Tim* wants, then the relationship is over. Completely powerless.

*(I need to be clear here that this is coming from MY brain, not anything Tim has said or done, EVER. It was hard-wired into me a LONG time ago that what I want doesn't matter and if I ever want anyone to love me ever, even a little bit, even just tolerate me, then the only way for me to achieve that is to acquiese to everything they want, and do it quickly and prettily.

That is NOT coming from Tim; it's my old, ugly-ass automatic repsonse that comes out when I am so far beyond stressed and exhausted and sick and strung out that I have no defenses. I have gotten to a point in my life where, for the most part, I no longer react like this to a crisis/conflict. [Or, I should say, sometimes it's my immediate first reaction, but I am able to quickly quash it and react reasonably.] The fact that most of the time I can react reasonably is fucking amazing. I worked hard for it.

But when I'm at this point, when I'm already stressed more than anyone should ever be, I react from my lizard brain and it gets away from me. I wish it didn't, and I need to work harder to make it not, but it does.)

erika has scary books that might include information on corspe-eye collapse.

This universal constant comforts me. And I am not remotely kidding.

(eta: Hee. Cross-post. Nevermiind!)

The last thing I want to say, too, Steph, is if all these feels like us piling on or telling you UR DOIN IT RONG, please feel free to ignore. It's completely natural to respond the way you're responding and to feel the way you feel. Don't let us and our well-intentioned advice invalidate that.

smonster, glad you're getting fed. My shower went a long way toward me feeling better, too. Of course, now I have floppy old school Bieber post shower hair, but there's a price for everything.

Okay, that all sounds like solid progress, La Tep. I am so glad to hear Tim's perspectives. So maybe now is a good time to cover what forms of "help" you guys both would be comfortable with and for how long. Then when you go into the situation, you will be forearmed.

And good for you for recognizing where your headspace is coming from. That's super hard to do.

Oh, and you totally can make him sleep in his car. Consequences of his actions. You are not obligated to do anything. If you do, out of the sheer goodness of your heart, you are qualified to set things up to meet your comfort levels, wherever they are. There is no judgment there.

The last thing I want to say, too, Steph, is if all these feels like us piling on or telling you UR DOIN IT RONG, please feel free to ignore. It's completely natural to respond the way you're responding and to feel the way you feel. Don't let us and our well-intentioned advice invalidate that.

No! I appreciate it! I need the reminder that I'm catastrophizing and predicting the worst -- and then reacting to that imaginary prediction instead of dealing with whatever the next step is. t edit It's just that I don't want ANY more steps, damn it.

(Tim talked to ex, who is freaking out, and wants to help but can't do much from Texas, which I undertstand, and who thanked me profusely -- through him -- for doing the research I did last night on interstate transfers of probation, and said that when son *finally* gets moved, Tim and I should come visit. Which is a gracious offer, and I understand it's heartfelt, but I think I probably won't make that trip.)

That's good too. So maybe the ex can do stuff like pay for a lawyer? That's something she can do remotely.

And yes, gracious offer, but you don't need to accept. It's nice to know she feels that way, though.

John Donne (according to the interpipes; I am too wiped out to go in the other room and find the right book) once said, "Other men's crosses are not my crosses."

I know that ex's son's cross in NOT mine. I don't feel that *I* should decide whether or not it's Tim's. Problem is, even if it *is* Tim's cross, I'm here, and it becomes mine by extension.

I believe in grace and second chances BIG TIME. I've gotten them more than I can count, more than I deserve, so I tend to want to see other people get a second chance. I just don't know how much I'm called to do in helping this kid get a second chance. And I know Tim may be called to do more, but I'm here, which means I do more.

And yeah, I'm talking about god, loosely. I wish I could say I do big sacrificial nice things because I am a fucking AWESOME person. I'm not. I'm massively selfish and don't like hard situations. And yet in some hard situations, I feel tugged in a direction I'd rather not extend myself, and I do believe that's god.

I don't talk about my faith a lot here any more, because I'm in a jumble these days (and have a bottomless pit of anger towards god due to these most recent shitty 7 months of my life). But despite having a lot of anger at god (and a lot of guilt for being angry at someone who could smite my ass in a hot second), I do still believe in god.

I just don't know how much I'm called to do in helping this kid get a second chance. And I know Tim may be called to do more, but I'm here, which means I do more.

You are not obligated to push yourself past what you can handle.

Oh, Tep, some minor yay. Glad the collective wisdom and predictibility of Buffista obsessions is helpful.

Still not showered. Watching Fringe.

My iChat isn't working, and I can't figure out why. It's not giving me an option to log in. I've quit and reopened a few times, with no luck.