( continues...) my brain! In crises, my MO is to focus on the potentially awful stuff. I am Chicken Little magnified by a bajillion. A lot of my freaking out if because of the what-ifs.

t edit I posted that before I read Scrappy's recent post on catastrophizing, and I'll just say again that that *is* totally what I'm doing, and I can see how it's not helping anyone, least of all me.

And my default is to believe that I have no rights, my feelings don't matter, and if I don't do exactly what Tim* wants, then the relationship is over. Completely powerless.

*(I need to be clear here that this is coming from MY brain, not anything Tim has said or done, EVER. It was hard-wired into me a LONG time ago that what I want doesn't matter and if I ever want anyone to love me ever, even a little bit, even just tolerate me, then the only way for me to achieve that is to acquiese to everything they want, and do it quickly and prettily.

That is NOT coming from Tim; it's my old, ugly-ass automatic repsonse that comes out when I am so far beyond stressed and exhausted and sick and strung out that I have no defenses. I have gotten to a point in my life where, for the most part, I no longer react like this to a crisis/conflict. [Or, I should say, sometimes it's my immediate first reaction, but I am able to quickly quash it and react reasonably.] The fact that most of the time I can react reasonably is fucking amazing. I worked hard for it.

But when I'm at this point, when I'm already stressed more than anyone should ever be, I react from my lizard brain and it gets away from me. I wish it didn't, and I need to work harder to make it not, but it does.)

erika has scary books that might include information on corspe-eye collapse.

This universal constant comforts me. And I am not remotely kidding.

(eta: Hee. Cross-post. Nevermiind!)

The last thing I want to say, too, Steph, is if all these feels like us piling on or telling you UR DOIN IT RONG, please feel free to ignore. It's completely natural to respond the way you're responding and to feel the way you feel. Don't let us and our well-intentioned advice invalidate that.

smonster, glad you're getting fed. My shower went a long way toward me feeling better, too. Of course, now I have floppy old school Bieber post shower hair, but there's a price for everything.

Okay, that all sounds like solid progress, La Tep. I am so glad to hear Tim's perspectives. So maybe now is a good time to cover what forms of "help" you guys both would be comfortable with and for how long. Then when you go into the situation, you will be forearmed.

And good for you for recognizing where your headspace is coming from. That's super hard to do.

Oh, and you totally can make him sleep in his car. Consequences of his actions. You are not obligated to do anything. If you do, out of the sheer goodness of your heart, you are qualified to set things up to meet your comfort levels, wherever they are. There is no judgment there.

The last thing I want to say, too, Steph, is if all these feels like us piling on or telling you UR DOIN IT RONG, please feel free to ignore. It's completely natural to respond the way you're responding and to feel the way you feel. Don't let us and our well-intentioned advice invalidate that.

No! I appreciate it! I need the reminder that I'm catastrophizing and predicting the worst -- and then reacting to that imaginary prediction instead of dealing with whatever the next step is. t edit It's just that I don't want ANY more steps, damn it.

(Tim talked to ex, who is freaking out, and wants to help but can't do much from Texas, which I undertstand, and who thanked me profusely -- through him -- for doing the research I did last night on interstate transfers of probation, and said that when son *finally* gets moved, Tim and I should come visit. Which is a gracious offer, and I understand it's heartfelt, but I think I probably won't make that trip.)

That's good too. So maybe the ex can do stuff like pay for a lawyer? That's something she can do remotely.

And yes, gracious offer, but you don't need to accept. It's nice to know she feels that way, though.

John Donne (according to the interpipes; I am too wiped out to go in the other room and find the right book) once said, "Other men's crosses are not my crosses."

I know that ex's son's cross in NOT mine. I don't feel that *I* should decide whether or not it's Tim's. Problem is, even if it *is* Tim's cross, I'm here, and it becomes mine by extension.

I believe in grace and second chances BIG TIME. I've gotten them more than I can count, more than I deserve, so I tend to want to see other people get a second chance. I just don't know how much I'm called to do in helping this kid get a second chance. And I know Tim may be called to do more, but I'm here, which means I do more.

And yeah, I'm talking about god, loosely. I wish I could say I do big sacrificial nice things because I am a fucking AWESOME person. I'm not. I'm massively selfish and don't like hard situations. And yet in some hard situations, I feel tugged in a direction I'd rather not extend myself, and I do believe that's god.

I don't talk about my faith a lot here any more, because I'm in a jumble these days (and have a bottomless pit of anger towards god due to these most recent shitty 7 months of my life). But despite having a lot of anger at god (and a lot of guilt for being angry at someone who could smite my ass in a hot second), I do still believe in god.

I just don't know how much I'm called to do in helping this kid get a second chance. And I know Tim may be called to do more, but I'm here, which means I do more.

You are not obligated to push yourself past what you can handle.

Oh, Tep, some minor yay. Glad the collective wisdom and predictibility of Buffista obsessions is helpful.

Still not showered. Watching Fringe.

My iChat isn't working, and I can't figure out why. It's not giving me an option to log in. I've quit and reopened a few times, with no luck.

Well, you know how I feel about the faith side of things. And I do believe that god can work through you for stuff like this. But you do want to be careful, especially if you're dealing with a history of substance abuse, because the manipulative nature of many addicts (don't read that the wrong way; I don't mean, people who are addicted are of course manipulative and therefore bad, I mean, people who are addicted have much stronger impelling forces that can make them willing to step over and sometimes on social conventions, and therefore we have to set clear boundaries in our relationships) means that sometimes what they're asking for is not what's best for them, or what god wants for their lives.

Anyway, you do what you can do. God can use you, and/or other people/circumstances.

Ok. So my current social dilemma is, the SO has offered to go pick up our volunteers from Flagstaff tomorrow, so I get a little bit of extra time to myself. I won't have a chance to talk to him about it, because he's at work now, and I'll leave for performance tonight before he gets home, and he'll be crashed out by the time I get back. And I'll be crashed out when he leaves, if he leaves without me.

I kinda don't want to make him do that by himself because he's dealing with all the same stuff I am, plus the extra stress of working like mad at the second job I quit. Plus I feel weird about not "managing" their whole trip.

But I should let him, right? He's trying to protect me, and give me some introvert space since he knows it's going to be a tough week for me. And that's good, and I probably do need the time, right?

And that's good, and I probably do need the time, right?

Yesyesyes.