Damn, Tep. That is a Situation. But others have offered good advice and perspective already. I agree that Tim likely sees it as simply doing a good deed, not prioritizing relationships.

Liese is wise. Boundaries are a good, good thing.

Boundaries are everything. Managing expectations going in is huge. As Willow taught us, 'A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.'

The one thing I would strongly suggest in an enormously difficult situation like this is to do the very best possible job of focusing on basic feelings, rather than going over a lot of details.

You don't have to justify your concerns with a lot of information Tim already has and may or may not agree with. The son's various failures/limitations etc. are public record. I don't say this to be flip or diminish the reality.

It's just that this info is immaterial compared to the real truth, which is that you want to feel comfortable, secure and at peace in your home. Nothing else trumps this truth.

The more down the road people get with arguing details, rather than feelings, the more hurt is available and the looonger the argument lasts.

God, those desperately downward spirally, circular battles that went on for hours and even days...I do not miss those in my life, I tell you what.

Sorry...right now I have nothing on the corpse-eye front. But I do have several scary books I might look in...would you like me to do that? I know it would be easier if I could say "twelve days," but it would be BS.

What David said. Seriously. Regardless of motives, this is not okay.

erika has scary books that might include information on corspe-eye collapse.

I'm amazed by how not surprised I am. This is a community to be reckoned with.

The hivemind, she fierce.

Yes, I have a field manual for homicide detectives that is probably the most expensive non-electronic thing in here, and a biography of somebody who works in an M.E.'s office. Barb, if that doesn't work, maybe you can call someone from your local medical examiner? They might be happy to talk to someone who doesn't cringe.

Another possible resource may be the University of Tennessee Body Farm where they lay out donated corpses on 2.5 acres to study their decomposition. You may have to wait until Monday to call them. 865-974-4408.

Out of curiousity I googled, and apparently there are many other body farms. The Wikipedia link: [link]

Any body farm should be able to answer your question.

Was Tim his stepfather at one point? If so I think I can see the impulse, but the extent needs to be reigned juuuuuuust a bit.

Billytea, my sister's industry is like that. With added 'it's bad luck for a woman to touch anything on a boat' goodness.

I think I'd be saying a lot of "Don't worry, I'm not having my period" and "That only matters if I'm menstruating, I'm not right now" or "You're right, I'm menstruating right now, I'd better not."

I have no idea if the superstition has anything to do with menstruation (it may well if indirectly) but periods are like KRYPTONITE to some guys (I'd bet folding money these guys) and it would be fun to watch them freak out.

I agree. When D's brother was having some trouble, I was ok with him coming and getting some breathing room here for a week. But if D had stated that he wanted him and his dog to be able to stay with us for a year until he got back on his feet, I would have no, that is aboslutely out of the question. And that's his BROTHER, not an ex's grown-ass son!

But let me ask, and I am only trying to get full information: had Tim stated that if things don't work out, he wants your house to be offered to whathisface? Is this explicit, or implicit?

And if it is not been said explicitly, then, in addition to the talk you need to have with Tim about how kindness and compassion needs to be extended even MORE completely to his partner than to ex's FuckupSon, then you need to talk about your fears and concerns and feelings that he is putting the needs of his ex's grown son above yours and about how this is leading to a crack in your solidness as a couple.

Compassion and kindness is a wonderful thing. But you deserve compassion, kindness and respect.

Your home is your refuge. I can't overemphasize this, esp. as you are not a person who likes or needs to be with people, or touched or out in social situations. Having this person in your home would be like being touched by strangers; it would be like acid eating away at you. This is not ok; it isn't an option. This person has made his own damn bed, and he will have to lie in it.

I might say (and here I am putting myself in your shoes; I hope you know I am only offering perspective and a suggestion for you perusal) "I am not uncompassionate. I know you feel responsibility and affection for him, and that is part of what makes me love you. But this is OUR home, and I cannot be comfortable in our -- my home -- with another person or his pet. This is what I can do before I go crazy: he can stay (and his little dog too) for X days. After that, no matter what, they both need to be elsewhere. we can work on strategies to get him help, to get him moved, but after that, he needs to rely on resources that do not take away my stability, comfort and peace. I can't handle it. And I shouldn't have to. This is not an ultimatum or a challenge or a throw-down. This is simply what I have to have to be a functioning human being. This is not about what I SHOULD do; this is about what I CAN do."