Tep, that sounds...frustrating. Xanax is your friend?
I...don't actually know what to do. Right now our living room is full of boxes of his stuff, because Tim unloaded the U-Haul to return it, since we don't know if the kid can even move to Texas.
I am so angry -- I mean off the scale angry -- because I feel like this was all an underhanded way to get us to take his dog and, eventually, get us to let him sleep on our couch for a year.
When Tim was helping him plan this trip to Texas (just last weekend), the kid didn't mention ANYTHING about being 1 year into 2 years of probation for a DUI. He was just going to pick up and move. And right now, I honestly wish he had, which is really unkind of me. Because eventally he would have gotten busted for violating his probation, and probably had to return to Ohio.
It's possible to transfer probation from one state to another; there's a whole interstate commission that oversees it (I have done A LOT of research in the last 24 hours). But it's kind of at the discretion of the probation officer, who, frankly, sounds like a dick (although that was based on his reaction to Tim's ex when she called wanting information about her son).
An attorney is definitely called for, which is AWESOME because we're just rolling in buckets of money we don't need to throw at an attorney for my boyfriend's ex's 31-year-old son OH MY GOD.
Histrionics aside, from what I read, it sounds like he has a better than average chance of getting his probation transferred, because he has no job and no residence in Ohio, and he has, at the very least, a mom to live with in Texas.
But even if he gets approved, it could take 45 days or more. And he has no place to live when he gets out of jail.
I'm sure you see where I'm going with this. I can't take it. I cannot. And there is nothing I can do, and I feel like Tim's loyalties are with his EX-girlfriend's adult son, not to us.
I don't know what to do. Seriously. I've thought about 100 times in the last 24 hours about whether or not my mom would let me stay with them for a while. And then I thought, wow, that would be a HUGE crack in our relationship if I just left. And THEN I thought, well, what sort of effect on the relationship does Tim think it's having by making us turn our lives upside down for the adult son of his ex-girlfriend?
It doesn't matter how much I cry and wail. In the end, we're going to have him on our couch for at least a few days, and possibly a year, until his probation ends. And I don't think I can handle it. It's not JUST the intrusion into MY GODDAMN LIFE, which is bad enough; it's the fact that it's Tim's FORMER relationship that's taking precedence over his current one.
This kid is not a minor; he's an adult, who's made bad choices, and now the consequences are coming down on him. And *we* are getting hammered with them. His goddamn mother is in Texas; let HER deal with it. But she can't, because she's in TEXAS and all the legal bullshit is here in Ohio.
I don't even know. I just don't.
Poor Mr. Peabody. Much ~ma.
bt... not even sure where to begin. I thought this was behind us, as a species (and my dictionary tells me species is the singular, too! That's cool. (What? I know I'm easily distracted)).
And thanks, Laura, but I don't think I'm all talk and no action - I mean, I do a lot (I think?), but I also kind of aspire to do nothing but bitching. There's a pendulum swing somewhere in there, which I try to balance. I also don't like bitching about things I cannot change in public. But I believe in the power of bitching in my private life (well, hello, have you met me?). And if sometimes I can combine between the two, then it's a win in my book.
ION, I think I decided I'm in need of a purple lipstick. I think it'll work great with my now very visible white hairs (you don't even have to search. I'm graying at 25 (began at 13, but now it shows)).
Tep, I have no idea where to being from. I have no advices, and it feels as if I can't offer any real comfort.
But I read your posts, and I'm with you in your (absolutely-justified-and-dear-God-I'd-kill-someone-by-now-if-I-were-in-your-shoes) frustration.
Much, much ~ma to you and Tim in trying to get over this.
Oh, and feel free to threaten that kid with an ex-IDF girl that will come and kick his ass if he won't show nothing but his best behavior and gratitude while staying under your roof.
Eyes are the first parts to rigidify. After seven days they're bulging from the sockets but still intact. Not sure exactly when they collapse.
Yeah, this is how far I was able to get with the information I've already found.
Oh, and feel free to threaten that kid with an ex-IDF girl that will come and kick his ass if he won't show nothing but his best behavior and gratitude while staying under your roof.
How I love the image this brings to mind...
Steph, I feel for you so much, I don't even have words. I'm just reminded of all the times I've been asked for an inch and ended up giving a mile, because for whatever reason I couldn't walk away. Of course it's wonderful of Tim to help this guy out, but you're right that you should take precedence over an adult who either was willfully misleading and manipulating him, or is just a big bag of fuck-up that neither of you needs spilling out into your lives. Ever, but especially not right now. But if Tim feels some sort of obligation to this guy, it's going to be really hard for him to draw a line. I hope this all works out and the guy just picks up his stuff and his dog and leaves.
I started posting a whole bunch of stuff which I realized was unhelpful. I do feel for you, Steph.
I suspect Tim, who is a good guy, sees this as doing good guy stuff that the two of you would be doing together to help out someone in trouble, not as a prioritization of the past over your relationship. I agree with Zen that it is probably hard for him to draw a line. His sense of loyalty is a positive trait of his, if a problematic one right now. But you are absolutely right for wanting to be able to assert control over things as big as your shared living conditions.
I suggest approaching it from the other side and insisting that the two of you make a specific plan with boundaries for each likely scenario if you are going to move forward in this. I'd try to avoid ultimatum type language because that's not what either of you want.
But most of all, Tep, I really do feel for you. I would be ballistic. I mean, I'm not all that thrilled about feeling like I had a visitor foisted on me for the next week and it turns out a) the SO did in fact talk to me about it, I just thought it was speculative at the time and gave speculative answers and b) it's a good friend of ours we know we get along with. But I was still upset and resentful and made the SO feel like a jerk. And it's just for a week! So I really do get where you are.
Liese is wise. Boundaries are a good, good thing.
On a personal petty note, I woke up cranky and overwhelmed. Which is unfortunate, given that it's a gorgeous day and I have a shitload of stuff to do, including fundraiser wrapup and working for 7.5 hrs to make up for taking time off for said fundraiser. And next Friday evening I fly to NOLA! Which will be fun but holy SHIT. Not ready. Arrgh.
Related note... productivity game, anyone?
Huh, lost post.
Teppy, as much as I love the idea of Shir going to Ohio to kick ass, I really hope a solution presents itself that doesn't involve disruption of your home.
