Super long post that was posted in LJ, but thought I'd post here as well for those what aren't on LJ anymore.

So Emeline's teachers are of the opinion that she needs to be retained this year and repeat 1st grade again. Their reasons are as follows in bold; my responses are in plain text:

• Maturity issues due to her being the youngest 1st grader in the school. They say that she still has too many meltdowns and fits over things.

She is and she does. Had I been in labor another 10 hours, she'd be in Kindergarten this year. However, she has also been diagnosed and is being treated for ADHD. Kids with ADHD are about 30% behind in their maturity levels from their non-ADHD classmates. Also, she has been on Adderall which has a side affect of anxiety, as well as other things, that can contribute to meltdowns and whatnot. We have switched her meds to Concerta with the hopes of alleviating some of these issues. Joe and I also believe there is a larger issue which I will talk about later. Also, she is going through a phase where she is easily embarrassed and shuts down pretty easily if she feels she is being laughed or stared at or held in a regard less than the Queen receives. I take full blame for this, having the same issues.

• Fluency issues in certain subjects. Math is not as fluent as they want it to be - she doesn't give the answers to problems as quickly as they think she should be. Problems like 4+5 or 6-1. She can do it on her fingers if given a minute, but she's not just spouting out the answers by rote memory. They say she is also not as fluent in sentence structure [capitalization, identifying parts of speech beyond verbs and nouns (the class has received lessons on articles, prepositions, and adjectives)]. There are also "issues" with her out loud reading - she's not as good at it as they believe she should be.

However, she sat at the table the other day and read a grade level 2.7 book to us, with no interventions from Joe and me. She sounded out what she didn't know and got through the whole book. It was "Knuffle Bunny Free", for those what are interested. She reads to herself in bed and in the car and all the time. She loves books. She also loves writing. She does not have the mechanics down pat, nor do I think she should at first freaking grade. As for the math, like I said she can do it, and does do it with us at home just fine, working from her fingers or counting on or using any number of strategies that she's been taught in school. Again, I think there is a bigger issue that is at work here.

• Inability to keep on task. Being a Montessori classroom, the kids basically choose their jobs. They are guided as to which jobs need to be prioritized each day and week, and they are expected to get approximately 4 - 5 jobs done per day. Emeline rarely hits those goals, even with guidance from her teachers, me, and other educators in the classroom. She is all about chattering and rarely does she venture out of the language room and into the math room, being the creativity driven girl that she is.

This actually puts her in the majority of the class, specifically the girls - in general. The boys, in general, I have observed, pretty much bust their asses. They (mostly) have to be pushed into the language room - they would rather spend their time all on math and more analytical things. Some are the opposite, but mostly they want All Math and Science, All the Time. And for the most part, they get closer to the 20-25 jobs per week goal than the girls. This, I have read, is pretty typical for boys of this age group. The girls, in general, are the opposite. Again, some are not, but in general. However, most of the girls do not make it very close to the 20-25 jobs for the week. The main reason? Development of 6 year old girls. They are all about two things: A) Talking. And B) Fucking Talking. ALL they do is chatter chatter chatter. All the time with the chattering. They love working by committee because they CAN FREAKING CHATTER. In this aspect, Emeline is right on par with her peers. (continued...)

( continues...) Right the fuck on that child can talk both hind legs off a two legged donkey. Again, though, besides the physical inability for a 6 year old girl to STFU, there is that bigger issue at work here.

THE BIGGER ISSUE : From statements that Emeline has made and from changes in her disposition and behavior at certain times, we believe that Em is afraid of Ms. N, the math/science/social studies teacher. Ms. N is known for being ... gruff. And short-tempered with the kids. In fact, Joe almost went at her the other day because she was pretty rude to Em, in front of other kids. I have felt for a bit of time, and another educator in the class also brought it up with me, that Ms. N picks on Emeline. I'm not sure where it comes from, as I don't recall having this issue last year. Maybe it comes from a place of not wanting Emeline and the other kids to think the Em gets special treatment because I happen to be in the classroom. Maybe it come from a place of comfort with me that she feels it's ok to treat Em more aggressively than the other kids, though I must admit, she's pretty damned aggressive with a lot of other kids as well. I have spoken discreetly with some other parents and I have come to find out that for about 5 of the kids that did not return to the class this year, 3 of them were for reasons directly having to do with Ms. N. and her personality and treatment of their children. SO it makes sense that Em avoids her room and therefore, the work located there. At home, she can get her homework packet – about 7 – 10 pages – done in about an hour and there are minimal mistakes and not a lot of help from us.

I don’t like second guessing her teachers; however, there have been some interesting things I have observed. For one, out of a class of 37, around 10 students got either “letters of concern” or verbal discussions about retention. That’s about 27% of the classroom and most of the students have been with these teachers for 2 years now. That seems high to me. For another thing, Emeline did fine on the last round of computerized standardized testing. Not the highest, but I believe she hit the benchmarks.

So, Joe and I have talked in depth about changes we can make both at school and at home, and we are doing the following: we have gotten flashcards on the subjects that she seems to be lacking – phonics, time, money, addition, and subtraction. We’ll also be working on writing and sentence structure and parts of speech at home.

We have also made an appointment with the principal to discuss changing classrooms. The reason we will be giving is that we think that her ADHD and her personality needs MORE structure, not less. We think she needs a classroom in which she has a certain tasks to do in a certain amount of time. Now it’s time for math, now it’s time for English, etc. We want to see how she performs in a traditional classroom. If the principal is not open to our suggestions, I’ll gently remind her that we are in our school through school of choice and not only do I have the option of putting her into her home district, but there are at least 2 charter schools in our area that would be happy to have her.

I am not going to wait until June to figure out if she needs retaining. If she does because the skills aren’t there, then she does and we’ll deal with that then. As I said, she IS the youngest in all of the 1st grades and there are immaturity issues there, but I don’t believe that they are all related to just her age. I think that some of them are related to her ADHD, her personality, and what could have been side affects of the Adderall.

And there might be some fall out from her teachers since they are my bosses, but if there is, I’ll remind them that my daughter comes before my job and if I need to have myself transferred to another classroom, then I will. Emeline is my baby and sure, I think she’s a total special snowflake, but I also know that there are things she (and we) need to work on. And we will work on those. But I’m also not going to just take their word for it that she needs retaining (continued...)

( continues...) anymore than I took the first person’s word for it that she had ADHD.

Opinions anyone? Am I crazy parent or normal parent?

go you, Aims! Stand up for Em!

Says the girl who was bullied by a teacher in first grade.

Aims, what you wrote all sounds like a reasonable response. One teacher's say-so should not be the final word, and it does sound like Em would do better in a more structured environment. (Hell, I'm a 30-year-old with ADD, and I still have a ton of trouble with unscheduled time. I've learned how to look at my list of things to do and make a schedule, but I can easily see how that could be really frustrating for a little kid.)

I will say that being the youngest, and by such a margin. is not necessarily the greatest thing. I'm not sure how it impacts now, but throughout her schooling years, it can be a hard thing. So I would say to try to not let the "retained!" idea loom too large in your minds.

That said, it does sound like there's a lot going on that has nothing to do with that, and you happen to be in a position to observe and evaluate that in a way most parents can't. So yeah, I'd be fighting on this. And I have a hard time thinking other teachers in the school (possibly excepting Ms. N) will have an issue.

Aims, I only have advice on issue #2. When I was Emeline's age I was awful at reading aloud in class, and it was totally related to me not wanting to be the center of attention or be embarrassed in front of the other students, so if Emeline is having embarrassment issues it could very well be related to that. I too could read aloud to my mother with no issues.

My ADHD looks like this: I get overwhelmed, I shut down and don't do anything. I think that Em does the same. And the more pressure she gets, the more she shuts down. I think Tep has talked about The Boy's ADHD looking like that as well? As adults, we can list and prioritize. At 6, I don't think it's terribly reasonable.

And I'm glad my response is coming off as reasonable. I'm trying to do what's best for Em but also come at this from the angle of being a future teacher.

You are not a crazy parent, or a normal parent. You are an exceptional, concerned, and caring parent.

You have to go with your gut feeling on this. I decided to keep Bobby back one year because he was the youngest in class and very immature. I took him out mid year and home schooled him, then put him back in the same class the next year. (1st grade) It was my decision and the school went along with my wishes. His teacher felt he could stay in the class and he would have passed, she also expressed some concern since he already was bigger than the rest of the kids, but ultimately agreed that he was immature and that I knew my child best.

Brendon and I have suffered each and every year with both boys over what was the right and best thing to do. Pure torture. But my one piece of advice is to trust your ability to make the best choice for your child. No one knows her like you and Joe.

The other teachers here will likely have better advice on the academic side of the picture. But you have the teacher view too, although of course biased, as it should be!

My ADHD looks like this: I get overwhelmed, I shut down and don't do anything.

Yup, mine too.