My shielding feels like being inside a giant prayer wheel. When things get to be too much, I can spin the wheel and be inside a very private place until it stops. I love prayer wheels for some reason, and prayer flags, the whole concept of a set-and-(almost)-forget continuous invocation and celebration of divinity.

it made me so sad that without some sort of chemical, I don't enjoy myself as much as I used to.

I should note that Ativan doesn't make me *enjoy* groups of people; it just helps me get through such things without ritually disemboweling myself.

You have a ritual?

Unfortunately, it gets complicated for introverts at the F2F. You see everyone having a good time, and your logical brain tells you you SHOULD be having a good time too. When your lizard brain tells you to back off, you don't want to listen to it. You don't want to tell anyone to back off, because you think you shouldn't need to -- you know what you're feeling is WRONG. And the more you feel you're wrong, the worse you feel, and it kind of spirals out of control from there.

it just helps me get through such things without ritually disemboweling myself.

Good thing, or you and I would find ourselves ritually disemboweling ourselves in the stairwell.

No ritual disemboweling!

Unfortunately, it gets complicated for introverts at the F2F. You see everyone having a good time, and your logical brain tells you you SHOULD be having a good time too. When your lizard brain tells you to back off, you don't want to listen to it. You don't want to tell anyone to back off, because you think you shouldn't need to -- you know what you're feeling is WRONG. And the more you feel you're wrong, the worse you feel, and it kind of spirals out of control from there.

A world of this.

When it comes to parties that are including a lot of strangers, nothing sums up my feeling better than:

JOYCE: You should be at a good old-fashioned college, with keg parties and boys. Not here, with Hellmouths and vampires.

BUFFY: Not really seeing a huge distinction there...

It's very easy for me to feel trapped in parties, but mostly when it's with people I don't know and when I have to be there for a certain amount of time.

In other words: I doubt it would happen with you, people.

In other words: I doubt it would happen with you, people.

See, I can cheerfully ignore the shit out of people I don't know. Really, if they're flinging their messy emotions all over the places, my brain just categorizes that as, "Eh, fuck them. I don't owe them anything."

But with people I know and love, then it's the worst fucking thing in the world to be thinking "Oh my god I wish they would all SHUT UP AND GO AWAY AND STOP TOUCHING ME ESPECIALLY FROM BEHIND!" Because that's not the nicest thing to think about people you care about. And it's not that what they're doing is "wrong" in any sense of the word; it's that I can't cope with it.

But I don't feel bad when I can't cope with people I don't know and therefore don't give one single damn about. I feel bad -- like Tom said -- when I can't cope with people who I love, because it makes me feel guilty and like a big jackass buzzkill party pooper.

I totally understand, Steph. I'm not the same, but I understand.