Every first-year teacher I know spent the first year feeling like a big-ass faker because they were pretty much making stuff up as they went along, because you don't really KNOW how to respond to some of these things until you are in it.

This and no support from admin meant I only taught one year, and did it very badly. Somedays, I think it would be nice to go back. Well, not nice, but Erin and Pix and Kat fill me with a kind of missionary zeal. Usually a piece of chocolate makes it go away.

I think, if they exceed the number of days, it's Saturday or summer, but it sounded like they would herniate themselves (or kill someone) before they allowed that to happen.

Still no notice of closures on the news.

Erin, thanks. That's helpful.

I am learning that I really can't put productivity first. I just end up cranky and (more) frazzled. I think I'm worried that at some point someone's going to question why we work so slowly, at which point I suppose I should invite them sweetly to come help for a day. I'm probably just being paranoid - everyone's been extremely supportive.

Oh, and remember all that biz about the mentor/mentee ratio? They haven't hired another mentor yet and the new group starts 2/14, may have 12 people, AND we're keeping the current four around for two more months (if I don't have to fire any of them). So I may have eight to deal with at once, assuming they hire a new mentor in time. Lord help me.

No. Well, probably not. You'll get to the point where you can work through it, and you can absorb it without it absorbing you, but I have yet to get to the point where it's normal to me, and I've been at it for a decade.

smonster, I don't know if you are much for woo-woo, meditation, energy work. But if you are, there are some meditations/visualizations that have helped me enormously, helping me to not be overwhelmed by taking on too much of other people's negative energies.

there are some meditations/visualizations that have helped me enormously, helping me to not be overwhelmed by taking on too much of other people's negative energies.

I've been reading a lot about empaths (as opposed to empathy) and shielding, because I'm getting to the point where it's painful for me to be in a group of, say, 30 people. And these are people I know decently well, just having dinner in a public place, no kinky shenanigans. In fact, I think it's very possible that the very fact that I *do* know them is what makes the stress and the sheer overwhelm by their energy so much worse, because I can ignore strangers, but not people who I know. They won't LET me ignore them, or hang back a little, and it's harrowing. At this point, it's pre-medicate with Ativan or I honestly can't go. It's a little maddening.

I've been reading a lot about empaths (as opposed to empathy) and shielding

Teppy, if you are interested, here [link] is an LJ post I made on the topic, several years ago - in one of the comments near the end I describe my go-to shielding. Of course, everyone has to find what works for themselves, but perhaps it will give you ideas. I have also found the visualization here [link] to be of use - and the info page for that LJ community has some other resources, as well.

Andi, thanks for sharing that! What you wrote resonates SO strongly with me, especially this:

She said she knew I was extremely sensitive to other people's emotions and that I was so open that I had no defenses.

This is me, 110%. Here's the thing: I've had relationships with men before, I've been in love before, but not like this, not totally laid bare like this. And the problem with laying myself so emotionally bare to be in this relationship, while it has been rewarding beyond my wildest dreams, it's also led to a problem.

Being this open with Tim is no problem. Well, I shouldn't say "no problem" -- it can still be scary, but it's basically no problem and utterly worth it. But it's like I opened a door wide, threw it off its hinges, and now I'm so laid bare for Tim -- and with the intent of it being ONLY for Tim -- that I have no defenses against anyone else's emotions and smashing of my boundaries. Like I opened myself up for Tim and then found that there was something sticking that kept me open for everyone, whether I want it or not. (Which I emphatically DO NOT. I do not have it in me, cannot handle dealing with everyone else's giant heaps of messy emotion, whether its just exuberance and joy at being in a group of like-minded people, or whether its sorrow that practically bleeds out of the air.)

I don't want all that other stuff from all those other people. It's like standing ankle deep in wonderfully warm ocean water, enjoying the waves lapping back and forth, and then being pummeled by a tidal wave, unable to stand up against it and getting tossed around like a piece of driftwood and spit out onto the sand, all bruised and scratched and choking and spitting out salt water. Possibly with a jellyfish in my hair and a shark attached to my ankle.

THAT is what a simple dinner out with a group of 30-ish friends is like for me, and I cannot do it unmedicated any more. People go to hug me, and I physically cringe so notably that they get all hurt-face and apologize, and then *I* apologize, because I didn't want to hurt them; I just didn't want them in my personal bubble when I'm already being pummelled by everyone else's waves of ebullience.

To put it another way: you know what Prom at the F2F is like? High energy -- INSANE high energy, with people bouncing off the walls and each other because they're vibrating with joy and ebullience? That's what these dinners are like for me, and while it's awesome fun and cameraderie for most folks, for me it is honestly like an assault.

Which makes me feel insane, because -- WHO reacts like that, to *friends*?

So, Andi, THANK YOU. Thank you first for making me feel less alone in having those feelings. Thank you more for making me feel NOT INSANE. And thank you finally for the post you linked, because it has some good stuff in it that I intend to try.

t /coredump

Thank you first for making me feel less alone in having those feelings. Thank you more for making me feel NOT INSANE.

Teppy, if it makes you feel any better: I had to learn how to shield myself because of much the same thing. And right now, while dealing with grief? I have to consciously work on shielding, because I can't cope with anyone else's emotions.

So, you're not insane. Not even a little bit.

Andi, thank you for linking to your post.

Snowpocalypse update...

The wind must have shifted because it is now chilly in my usually warm apartment.

Which makes me feel insane, because -- WHO reacts like that, to *friends*?

the people who are your friends will understand and keep their distance because they know that your reticence doesn't mean that you don't love them, you just need space.

waves from across the room.

I'm glad if sharing any of that can help. It really is good to know you aren't the only one.

To put it another way: you know what Prom at the F2F is like? High energy -- INSANE high energy, with people bouncing off the walls and each other because they're vibrating with joy and ebullience? That's what these dinners are like for me, and while it's awesome fun and cameraderie for most folks, for me it is honestly like an assault.

Prom IS amazing. But really? Once a year is enough for me. Having the same ultra-high experience at every simple gathering of friends, would be like always having dessert and never having dinner. Instead of being always winter but never Christmas, it would be always Christmas but never winter, nor yet spring, summer or autumn. Too much is too much, even of a good thing.

The thing about empathic shielding is that intention is very much the key. It doesn't matter what image a person uses - cosmic duck tape is every bit as good as mystic white light. What matters is the intent behind it. Design your shields to do what you want them to do. Some empaths will not only shield themselves, but also their whole house, their pets, their children, and (with permission) their partners. You can design your shields to stay open between you and Tim, but put a reasonable distance between you and others. There are those who design their shields to bounce any negative energy back to whomever sends it their way. I choose not to do that, because so many of the people whose negative energy I may pick up, are already vulnerable, and really cannot help what they are suffering. So I design my shields to drain negative energies off into the earth. I specifically design my shields to not block awareness of others' negative feelings, but merely to prevent me from absorbing them. There are some empaths who prefer to be more completely shielded. There are also those who prefer not to be shielded at all, but to protect themselves by allowing negative energies to pass through them rather than be absorbed.