there are some meditations/visualizations that have helped me enormously, helping me to not be overwhelmed by taking on too much of other people's negative energies.

I've been reading a lot about empaths (as opposed to empathy) and shielding, because I'm getting to the point where it's painful for me to be in a group of, say, 30 people. And these are people I know decently well, just having dinner in a public place, no kinky shenanigans. In fact, I think it's very possible that the very fact that I *do* know them is what makes the stress and the sheer overwhelm by their energy so much worse, because I can ignore strangers, but not people who I know. They won't LET me ignore them, or hang back a little, and it's harrowing. At this point, it's pre-medicate with Ativan or I honestly can't go. It's a little maddening.

I've been reading a lot about empaths (as opposed to empathy) and shielding

Teppy, if you are interested, here [link] is an LJ post I made on the topic, several years ago - in one of the comments near the end I describe my go-to shielding. Of course, everyone has to find what works for themselves, but perhaps it will give you ideas. I have also found the visualization here [link] to be of use - and the info page for that LJ community has some other resources, as well.

Andi, thanks for sharing that! What you wrote resonates SO strongly with me, especially this:

She said she knew I was extremely sensitive to other people's emotions and that I was so open that I had no defenses.

This is me, 110%. Here's the thing: I've had relationships with men before, I've been in love before, but not like this, not totally laid bare like this. And the problem with laying myself so emotionally bare to be in this relationship, while it has been rewarding beyond my wildest dreams, it's also led to a problem.

Being this open with Tim is no problem. Well, I shouldn't say "no problem" -- it can still be scary, but it's basically no problem and utterly worth it. But it's like I opened a door wide, threw it off its hinges, and now I'm so laid bare for Tim -- and with the intent of it being ONLY for Tim -- that I have no defenses against anyone else's emotions and smashing of my boundaries. Like I opened myself up for Tim and then found that there was something sticking that kept me open for everyone, whether I want it or not. (Which I emphatically DO NOT. I do not have it in me, cannot handle dealing with everyone else's giant heaps of messy emotion, whether its just exuberance and joy at being in a group of like-minded people, or whether its sorrow that practically bleeds out of the air.)

I don't want all that other stuff from all those other people. It's like standing ankle deep in wonderfully warm ocean water, enjoying the waves lapping back and forth, and then being pummeled by a tidal wave, unable to stand up against it and getting tossed around like a piece of driftwood and spit out onto the sand, all bruised and scratched and choking and spitting out salt water. Possibly with a jellyfish in my hair and a shark attached to my ankle.

THAT is what a simple dinner out with a group of 30-ish friends is like for me, and I cannot do it unmedicated any more. People go to hug me, and I physically cringe so notably that they get all hurt-face and apologize, and then *I* apologize, because I didn't want to hurt them; I just didn't want them in my personal bubble when I'm already being pummelled by everyone else's waves of ebullience.

To put it another way: you know what Prom at the F2F is like? High energy -- INSANE high energy, with people bouncing off the walls and each other because they're vibrating with joy and ebullience? That's what these dinners are like for me, and while it's awesome fun and cameraderie for most folks, for me it is honestly like an assault.

Which makes me feel insane, because -- WHO reacts like that, to *friends*?

So, Andi, THANK YOU. Thank you first for making me feel less alone in having those feelings. Thank you more for making me feel NOT INSANE. And thank you finally for the post you linked, because it has some good stuff in it that I intend to try.

t /coredump

Thank you first for making me feel less alone in having those feelings. Thank you more for making me feel NOT INSANE.

Teppy, if it makes you feel any better: I had to learn how to shield myself because of much the same thing. And right now, while dealing with grief? I have to consciously work on shielding, because I can't cope with anyone else's emotions.

So, you're not insane. Not even a little bit.

Andi, thank you for linking to your post.

Snowpocalypse update...

The wind must have shifted because it is now chilly in my usually warm apartment.

Which makes me feel insane, because -- WHO reacts like that, to *friends*?

the people who are your friends will understand and keep their distance because they know that your reticence doesn't mean that you don't love them, you just need space.

waves from across the room.

I'm glad if sharing any of that can help. It really is good to know you aren't the only one.

To put it another way: you know what Prom at the F2F is like? High energy -- INSANE high energy, with people bouncing off the walls and each other because they're vibrating with joy and ebullience? That's what these dinners are like for me, and while it's awesome fun and cameraderie for most folks, for me it is honestly like an assault.

Prom IS amazing. But really? Once a year is enough for me. Having the same ultra-high experience at every simple gathering of friends, would be like always having dessert and never having dinner. Instead of being always winter but never Christmas, it would be always Christmas but never winter, nor yet spring, summer or autumn. Too much is too much, even of a good thing.

The thing about empathic shielding is that intention is very much the key. It doesn't matter what image a person uses - cosmic duck tape is every bit as good as mystic white light. What matters is the intent behind it. Design your shields to do what you want them to do. Some empaths will not only shield themselves, but also their whole house, their pets, their children, and (with permission) their partners. You can design your shields to stay open between you and Tim, but put a reasonable distance between you and others. There are those who design their shields to bounce any negative energy back to whomever sends it their way. I choose not to do that, because so many of the people whose negative energy I may pick up, are already vulnerable, and really cannot help what they are suffering. So I design my shields to drain negative energies off into the earth. I specifically design my shields to not block awareness of others' negative feelings, but merely to prevent me from absorbing them. There are some empaths who prefer to be more completely shielded. There are also those who prefer not to be shielded at all, but to protect themselves by allowing negative energies to pass through them rather than be absorbed.

And for someone who is being overwhelmed by even positive energies, again, intent is key. You can design your shields to protect you from whatever is too much for you. And the more you practice, the more you can tweak the visualizations and design to suit you.

I think, without having read the link , that i put up shields naturally. because I can go from being at a party to letting it flow around me. . Sometimes that is a signal for me to leave, sometimes I am just taking a break)

Shir, i don't know if it helps - but even in a peaceful place trying to explain that a woman feels much more vulnerable than a man is hard. one of my male friends asked if i was afraid when i was out alone. I said no -- and he thought I was unusual. And then he explained that all the women he knew check out the are a around their car ,, were careful where they sit on public transportation, noticed strange men on the street, etc. Oh , I said , that is just being cautious and aware, it is a normal part of being a woman . Always wary and watchful of potential danger.

So the simple explanation might be : Women, under the best of circumstance , are often the subjet of minor harassment to major physical violence. Due to physical difference and long standing historical roles. In times of stress - war - economic crisis, etc. the most vulnerable members of society see anger and frustrations focused on them.

and now after spilling words all over the page, i must sleep

Teppy, thanks for discussing this, and WindSparrow, thank you so much for linking to your post. I don't know why I didn't read at the time. Oh, who'm I kidding, I probably did read it, then got distracted by something shiny before I could follow up on it.

I think I've tried to approach personal psyche protection from a purely intellectual direction, and sought a place for repair and renewal in the spiritual. How much more sense does it make to arm oneself psycho-spiritually against the emotional onslaught of social contact?

I've known for a long time that my depression, while not situational, traditionally defined as in my situation, it is nonetheless deeply affected by proximity to the strong emotions of others. So now I have a new clue, and a new direction to learn. Thank you both.