OOof, Erin, that's tough, especially since M's mom doesn't exactly have a history of being...helpful. Good luck.

yeah, that's another world of NO. Close enough to hang with M means close to all the crazy. I could deal with it if she lived in town or something, but you know shit would get real awfully fast.

I can be very civil at a distance, but I think she would all be up in our shit all the time and WORLD OF NO.

Wasn't she not supposed to move that far away in the first place? And what on earth would stop her from doing so again?

Zenkitty, sending ~ma for your sister.

Yeah, that's another thing. She moved from KC to Minn, got hitched to the guy who'd been living in the house she made D move out of, but pay for, and then he was unemployed for a year (it's hard to get into sound design gigs in MN, apparently @@, and he got a job at Lehigh, which is a decent school.

No. I do not want.

The one thing I'll note, Erin, is that in custody situations everything seems to hang on one, binary, either-or choice, but the reality in most cases is that you wind up finessing it in ways that you can't really imagine.

Maybe Micah comes out for a longer stretch in the summer. Maybe D makes an extra trip or two to the East Coast. Maybe they take a trip together, and that concentrated time makes a difference. Maybe when Micah gets older he goes to college closer to you guys. Maybe they play a shit-ton of World of Warcraft online together.

You can't really imagine all the ways the your husband and his son will build their relationship, but it will happen because it's important to them both. You just take every opportunity you can to maximize their time together and it makes a difference.

But you can't make it not sad, or not difficult. That's just part of the divorce itself.

God, would you talk to D?? Because I BRING up all this stuff, and he gets hit with guilt for missing piano recitals (M's at Twinkle Twinkle) and PT conferences, and they talk almost every night, and Skype 2-3 times a week.

I just told him we need to work on way to see M more often.

I told him all these things.

Ack. Horrid pre-sleep convo. I need to step away and relax.

Thanks, guys.

Sounds like she's had a real change of heart about her son being near his father and she should start looking for jobs in the midwest, huh?

'Cuz if you move there and Lehigh has a budget cut? She'd be gone again.

It's a shitty thing she does to her son and I really don't know if Dan could fix it by following her everywhere.

Because I BRING up all this stuff, and he gets hit with guilt for missing piano recitals (M's at Twinkle Twinkle) and PT conferences...

THEN SHE NEVER SHOULD HAVE MOVED AWAY.

Does this even come up? It sounds like she's really good at making him the bad guy and he's, forgive me if I am completely the fuck out of line, kinda good at letting her do it.

I'm sorry, Erin, this is hellish.

God, would you talk to D??

Sure!

Seriously, though, the most important thing for Micah is knowing that his Dad is a constant. That his dad cares and that he's making every effort to be a part of Micah's life.

You can't be there for every minute, or PT conference and it's not necessary for their emotional well-being.

When EM moved out I used to torture myself by thinking, "I'm missing half of Emmett's childhood!"

But I wasn't. I was in touch with him and some stuff happened out of my sight but I wasn't out of his life.

It's really not that different that the realization you have early on that your pre-schooler actually is spending more time with their daycare provider than with you. And in some ways, during that stretch, they have an intimacy with that person that you don't have with them. But, first you learn to value that some other person is loving and caring for your child. And then you learn to trust that it is your continuity through all the years that matters.

Being there for them. It's not any particular parent-teacher conference that makes the difference, but the knowledge that they are loved and that you are their bedrock. That even when you have fights they trust that you are in their corner.

That's the emotional base you can provide as a parent. It's way more important than anything else.