God, would you talk to D??

Sure!

Seriously, though, the most important thing for Micah is knowing that his Dad is a constant. That his dad cares and that he's making every effort to be a part of Micah's life.

You can't be there for every minute, or PT conference and it's not necessary for their emotional well-being.

When EM moved out I used to torture myself by thinking, "I'm missing half of Emmett's childhood!"

But I wasn't. I was in touch with him and some stuff happened out of my sight but I wasn't out of his life.

It's really not that different that the realization you have early on that your pre-schooler actually is spending more time with their daycare provider than with you. And in some ways, during that stretch, they have an intimacy with that person that you don't have with them. But, first you learn to value that some other person is loving and caring for your child. And then you learn to trust that it is your continuity through all the years that matters.

Being there for them. It's not any particular parent-teacher conference that makes the difference, but the knowledge that they are loved and that you are their bedrock. That even when you have fights they trust that you are in their corner.

That's the emotional base you can provide as a parent. It's way more important than anything else.

No, you're absolutely right, and I have said to to him. EVERYTHING.

She basically did whatever she wanted, and he was so emotionally abused by her (she is a termagant of a drama queen with a evil tongue) that he was all ok, move to MN. That's doable.

Then whatthisname got that job at PA and Dan wanted M to have finacial stability, so he reluctantly said ok. And there were all kinds of promises that they'd pay for the travel...well.

She want to be able to do whatever she wants to do, and other people can just arrange their lives to suit hers.

Which I am not up for. This is evil, but I kinda can't wait for the day M realizes exactly what mom did to dad, and how it was her decisions that lead to him being hauled farther and farther away from D in the first place. I mean, he was about 5 when her now-husband started staying over while D was at work. He already knows the timeline.

David, I might email you tomorrow and try to figure out a way to hook you guys up without being all "Hey, this is David. Tell him all your trauma."

But it would be seriously GREAT for him to have a guy to talk to who'd gone through similar stuff.

Yeah, she'd just change the game again.

My heart says BE WITH YOUR SON NO MATTER WHAHHHHHATTTTTT and it's right, but follwing her pillar to post isn't the way to do it.

I'm not sure, btw, what IS the way to do it or even if there is a GOOD way, but if y'all pick up stakes and move to Allentown she'll just start shutting D out of shit up-close. And then move again.

Man, Erin, I'm so sorry.

Yeppers, I agree.

I told D that instead of focusing on the perfect solution he wishes for, that we need to focus on finding workable solutions that are a happy medium.

No parent every gets everything they want in regards to their child's upbringing.

You can just do the best you can to do the most you can without making yourself a craxy, miserable person.

I wish "Gee, bitch, if you think he should be spending more time with his son how 'bout you hold up your end of the deal on the things that make that happen?" would actually work, you know?

I know it won't.

Even if Vortex does it.

I told him tonight that I think the support needs to be looked at again. He pays almost $900 a month (some of that is past support, from when he was stuck with the house she left that she hadn't been paying on ---- GRRRIIINNNNDDDD -- and i think since she moved, some of that money should be earmarked for travel expenses.

David, I might email you tomorrow and try to figure out a way to hook you guys up without being all "Hey, this is David. Tell him all your trauma."

That's fine. I'm happy to talk with him.

I told D that instead of focusing on the perfect solution he wishes for, that we need to focus on finding workable solutions that are a happy medium.

Excellent, useful advice. A worthy mantra.

This is evil, but I kinda can't wait for the day M realizes exactly what mom did to dad, and how it was her decisions that lead to him being hauled farther and farther away from D in the first place. I mean, he was about 5 when her now-husband started staying over while D was at work. He already knows the timeline.

Micah will never do that kind of calculus, I hope. The kids that do are the ones that get used to act out anger on the other parent.

Of course, we're here to help you rant as necessary. This is a good outlet for you, dealing with many shitty stressors. I certainly have known all those impulses myself. But the only thing that's helpful for the kid is to maintain the useful fictions of civility. There's no safe emotional space for a kid who has to choose between their parents, to make that judgment.

It doesn't matter to Micah that his mom was a bitch to D, or has been selfish or manipulative.

And the hard lesson I learned from Mothers Who Think is that there is no such thing as unfairness or blame in custody matters; there's only what you fought for in the custody arrangement. And if you didn't protect yourself at that stage then it's tough noogies. Make it work.

{{{Erin}}}

in mememe news: we won! First pub quiz ever. My new teammates are insisting I must come back every week.