Aw, Steph, reading that made me tear up. I'm so happy for you and Tim.

Happy New Year, friends! I'm sitting in Mark's dad's living room checking in on the board while Mark brushes his teeth. We told his family about the engagement earlier today and his parents both got a little weepy. I think this might be the best New Year's Day I've ever had. Here's to 2010!

congratulations to you and Mark, Kate.

::offers Teppy salt, in lieu of hugs:::

I got a box! It was full of goodies! There were 3 kinds of chocolate bars; I'm pacing myself, but the bits I've eaten are wicked yummy. And Doctor Who (The Deadly Assassin), with The Doctor (Baker)in the Gallifreyan garb on the front (which is particularly appropriate, as I have End of Time half-watched ) And comic books! RASL,and Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life, neither of which I knew of, but both of which I am excited to read (It took be an embarassingly long time to say, "Oh! Jeff Smith!")

The summarize: Thank you, Tom, you are a most excellent Secret Santa.

Teppy I love your happy geeky ending.

Wonderful post, Teppy.

Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life, neither of which I knew of

Ooh, Scott Pilgrim is hilarious. I hope you enjoy.

I'm a little late in realizing what this new decade means in my life.

I rang in 2000 in a relationship with a guy I didn't like and with people I didn't like. The relationship happened because I was desperately lonely and also undiagnosed bipolar disorder causing all kinds of really bad decision making.

Until June the year was a horrible downward spiral of cycling through mania and depression with some paranoia and lots and lots of really bad decisions with my whole life crashing around me -- fired from my job, running my checking account into the negative so bad I was barred from getting a debit card for almost a year, surrounding myself with toxic people who didn't care about me, and a really fragile mental state that led me to attempt suicide.

And that was rock bottom. I was 27 and for the 15 years or so prior I'd get in situations and wonder if that was rock bottom, I couldn't imagine it getting worse until it did.

It was one of those worst things that can happen that's the best thing. I got in a hospital and after nearly a life time of trying to figure out what's wrong with me I found out. Bipolar Disorder, and by everyone's estimation, something I had as a child. And it was something that left me very much like a child -- 100% emotionally and financially dependent on my parents. I moved back in with my Dad and he supported. Both my parents supported me in so many ways.

And very slowly I've been putting together the pieces of my life. I got a lot of therapy (soem good, some bad), got medicines that worked, and started rebuilding. I found the Buffistas, I found livejournal and fanfiction and all the things that kept me connected to the world. I took dance classes, I learned a lot about myself. I went to technical center, earned a certificate (which I don't actually use, but the experience was worth it), I wound my way through some temp jobs, including a long term one and just went I was starting to hate it I got my current job. Two years ago in Feb and that year, for the first time in my entire life, I became financially independent.

I lived on my own, I dealt with some hard losses including my beloved cousin. I've met some great people. I stumbled into an amazing relationship with an amazing man and I'm currently working towards the goal of moving up to be with him. I have a job I like and enjoy.

One of the things I hate hearing anyone say is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" especially when it's aimed at someone who is in pain or crisis. I know that when I was in the middle of all that it gave me no comfort and felt more like a reproach. But on the other side and with distance I can see the truth in it.

And I am stronger. Strong enough that I can start dealing with the great big ball of pain that's been driving a lot of my life and decisions. It boils down to this I don't believe I'm likeable. I expect that any friendship I try to cultivate will end in rejection. This is based on past experiences starting in elementary school (We don't like you, don't play with us) and lasting through out, well my whole life. I don't know how to start a friendship, how to cultivate one, I end up not communicating with people I like and respect because I don't want to be hurt.

I want to change that because I can't be happy until I do. It's led to so many regrets, including the fact I have not nurtured friendships and been a good friend to Buffistas who have offered me wonderful support. If I've ever offended anyone or caused anyone distress I want to apologise, that's never been my intention.

I also realized that as I've gotten more dependent and able to handle things like money and time lines and work I've become more and more isolated. I think it's because I feel more vulnerable.

(I'm still not sure how I can navigate romantic relationships in spite of this but some how I can.)

And I've decided I don't have a New Years Resolution so much as a New Decade Resolution -- to work on those weaknesses and work toward becoming more and more the person I want to be.

Honestly I (continued...)

( continues...) can say that the Buffistas are a huge reason I'm at the good places I am now.

Thank you, Tom, you are a most excellent Secret Santa.

Yay!