Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life, neither of which I knew of

Ooh, Scott Pilgrim is hilarious. I hope you enjoy.

I'm a little late in realizing what this new decade means in my life.

I rang in 2000 in a relationship with a guy I didn't like and with people I didn't like. The relationship happened because I was desperately lonely and also undiagnosed bipolar disorder causing all kinds of really bad decision making.

Until June the year was a horrible downward spiral of cycling through mania and depression with some paranoia and lots and lots of really bad decisions with my whole life crashing around me -- fired from my job, running my checking account into the negative so bad I was barred from getting a debit card for almost a year, surrounding myself with toxic people who didn't care about me, and a really fragile mental state that led me to attempt suicide.

And that was rock bottom. I was 27 and for the 15 years or so prior I'd get in situations and wonder if that was rock bottom, I couldn't imagine it getting worse until it did.

It was one of those worst things that can happen that's the best thing. I got in a hospital and after nearly a life time of trying to figure out what's wrong with me I found out. Bipolar Disorder, and by everyone's estimation, something I had as a child. And it was something that left me very much like a child -- 100% emotionally and financially dependent on my parents. I moved back in with my Dad and he supported. Both my parents supported me in so many ways.

And very slowly I've been putting together the pieces of my life. I got a lot of therapy (soem good, some bad), got medicines that worked, and started rebuilding. I found the Buffistas, I found livejournal and fanfiction and all the things that kept me connected to the world. I took dance classes, I learned a lot about myself. I went to technical center, earned a certificate (which I don't actually use, but the experience was worth it), I wound my way through some temp jobs, including a long term one and just went I was starting to hate it I got my current job. Two years ago in Feb and that year, for the first time in my entire life, I became financially independent.

I lived on my own, I dealt with some hard losses including my beloved cousin. I've met some great people. I stumbled into an amazing relationship with an amazing man and I'm currently working towards the goal of moving up to be with him. I have a job I like and enjoy.

One of the things I hate hearing anyone say is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" especially when it's aimed at someone who is in pain or crisis. I know that when I was in the middle of all that it gave me no comfort and felt more like a reproach. But on the other side and with distance I can see the truth in it.

And I am stronger. Strong enough that I can start dealing with the great big ball of pain that's been driving a lot of my life and decisions. It boils down to this I don't believe I'm likeable. I expect that any friendship I try to cultivate will end in rejection. This is based on past experiences starting in elementary school (We don't like you, don't play with us) and lasting through out, well my whole life. I don't know how to start a friendship, how to cultivate one, I end up not communicating with people I like and respect because I don't want to be hurt.

I want to change that because I can't be happy until I do. It's led to so many regrets, including the fact I have not nurtured friendships and been a good friend to Buffistas who have offered me wonderful support. If I've ever offended anyone or caused anyone distress I want to apologise, that's never been my intention.

I also realized that as I've gotten more dependent and able to handle things like money and time lines and work I've become more and more isolated. I think it's because I feel more vulnerable.

(I'm still not sure how I can navigate romantic relationships in spite of this but some how I can.)

And I've decided I don't have a New Years Resolution so much as a New Decade Resolution -- to work on those weaknesses and work toward becoming more and more the person I want to be.

Honestly I (continued...)

( continues...) can say that the Buffistas are a huge reason I'm at the good places I am now.

Thank you, Tom, you are a most excellent Secret Santa.

Yay!

Teppy and askye, you give me hope for my own mixed up life. Congratulations on all the progress you've made in your own lives, and thank you for sharing it.

I cannot and will not make a decade-wrap-up post right now, because to do so would probably throw me in to one of the worst depression-depressions I've had in a long time (as opposed to situational-depressions, which to me, are more bearable, even as they tend to be worse. Don't ask me why I think like that). I just wanted to post and say hello and thank you to the Buffistas, because even though life circumstances have pulled me away from online pursuits, I still think of the board and all y'all as home and family.

I am nomming on the most divine ginger cookies right now, dipped in a glass of milk. And Suzi, I must have the recipe! By which I mean - thank you so much! Also, really about the recipe though.

My Box of Goodness was waiting for me when I got home from work - the best first day back at work homecoming EVAR. The bauble is hanging from the tree I should have already taken down, and I made a huge dent in the candy before dinner.

Bless you and your magical Christmas timing! Thank you!

I'm so glad it made it to you. International mail always worries me. I'm also glad you like the cookies - they are my favorite to make. I am happy to send the recipe, watch your e-mail.

In short - YAY!

You know posting it might be faster. IJS.

Happy congrats to Kate and her fiance!

2009 has been a good and stressful year. With budget cuts and crises, we've been blessed to both keep our jobs at our current schools in our current positions. Here's to hoping that 2010 will be equally gentle with us.

We've watched Noah and Grace both grow and change and it's amazing how preoccupying such little critters can be. The bulk of life has been wrapped up in them, for better or worse.

My family has dealt with another open heart surgery scare and my sister getting a liver transplant. My mom has been a stalwart through it all.

I hope 2010 can be a year of quiet gains as opposed to fits and starts and I believe this may be the year that Grace finally comes home.