I never know how long to hold eye contact, so I generally don't seek it out very much. It's sort of choosing between presenting as shy/standoffish vs. weirdo who may go for your throat at any moment. Shy/standoffish wins out.

I feel sort of bad, as I went through a brief be-a-doctor and write like Chekov-phase(and about eight million hours of House) So I know she had an LP and that shit hurts, but I don't want to kiss it better or anything. Why didn't I do the doctor thing? Doctors take math. Which I failed. A lot.

erika, you don't have any obligation to feel especially bad for or want to help someone who isn't close to you and has caused you trouble and pain. Your dad married her, not you.

Steph, if that means you're crazy, at least you're not sitting in the crazy corner alone; I'm there with you. Avoiding eye contact.

I am generally known as being pretty friendly and open, and even I have to mentally remind myself about eye contact.

I completely agree with Zenkitty, erika. We can only give what we can give, and we can't love everyone.

That being said, I can say with total conviction that the very best gift I ever gave myself was forgiving my father before he died. NOT to his face, let's be clear. Any action I took on his behalf was for my own benefit.

Not being shaken by this doesn't make me a sociopath, right?

Absolutely not. Now, those *other* things....well....

Dear me, y'all. I am pooped. In the past 3 weeks I have had tech week, gotten my show up, had our weekend of shows, had strike which involved running all over town returning things, drove over 1500 miles, visited my mom and dad in TN, brought family home with me, went sightseeing and running around with them.

Took them to the airport this morning and almost didn't make it home due to the torrential rainstorms and flooding around Chicago. Seriously, almost stalled on a flooded road and had to detour all over the place.

I took a 4 hour nap this afternoon and will probably still fall asleep tonight.

I miss y'all. Due to above crazyness, I've had to skip skip skip. So, how is everyone??

I totally get not liking to make eye contact, and that doing something you don't do is unpleasant, but there isn't an inherent net exchange of anything involved in the eye contact process.

I think *I* can invest the eye contact process with something, but it's completely independent of what's happening on the part of the other person. They may or may not like it.

I mean, I definitely think there's a potential charge to it--I was just saying yesterday I'd like to make eye contact with a certain celebrity--not anyone I have any interest in meeting or talking to. Just to see what that gaze looks like in person.

But I wouldn't be taking anything away from him. It would just be a little experience.

As for live music, I think there are a million little components to that that make it different from a recording that I wouldn't even make it to darshan in terms of explaining why it's richer and more rewarding. And, note, I'm still caught up in the idea of darshan as something depleting, AND the idea that the person on the other side is holy.

Because, really? I come from the land of Bob Marley, and I wouldn't even give him that.

I know how hermit-y that makes me sound, or like "Honey, the Asperger's is getting worse." Or, uh, INSANE. And those might be true. I just know I don't like making eye contact with some people because it makes me feel oogy.

I was describing dog class to a good friend and how all the other dogs were learning not to jump up on people. And I was all "of course, with Darb, you come towards her like that she just backs up and gives you this look like "What are you doing? I find this strange and offputting."

She just looked at me, paused, and said: "I really can't believe you two found each other."

She just looked at me, paused, and said: "I really can't believe you two found each other."

Oh. My. God. Bartleby and I are exactly the same, in this regard. Our temperaments could not be more similar.

He loves to greet his human 'friends' but then is quickly done with the small talk portion of the program. He would rather sit still...and wishes I would too. He seems to appreciate the little moments of his life. And he's all about food.

Yep. Match made in heaven.

A good friend called recently to say that she wants me to get another dog soon. Not because I need more stuff to do, but because she fears for me when it is time for Bartleby to go. She's right to be concerned. I honestly don't know how I'll react. But getting another dog now doesn't seem the right solution. We've got a crazy good thing going on and I'm not going to tamper with that out of fear.

As for live music, I think there are a million little components to that that make it different from a recording that I wouldn't even make it to darshan in terms of explaining why it's richer and more rewarding. And, note, I'm still caught up in the idea of darshan as something depleting, AND the idea that the person on the other side is holy.

But it's not the difference between live and recorded, or even between being there and hearing but not being there, it's the difference between being there and seeing the music happen and being there and not being able to see. And it's not a matter of being able to see what they are doing technically, because I can't see that well and wouldn't be able to follow the fingers, etc., anyway. I don't know what the difference is but there is one. And I don't know what makes someone holy, either, but it might be a similar sort of unknown thing. I can't distinguish the unknowns.

The object of the darshan, I would think, doesn't really have to have any particulra qualities or even be aware of the effect. People can invest anyone or anything with sacredness for no good reason, or for a good reason, but I doubt the reason has much to do with the strength of the effect.

The part where that takes away from the object, well, I can't see that being inherent in the process, at least, not anymore than any other kind of objectification.