I am generally known as being pretty friendly and open, and even I have to mentally remind myself about eye contact.

I completely agree with Zenkitty, erika. We can only give what we can give, and we can't love everyone.

That being said, I can say with total conviction that the very best gift I ever gave myself was forgiving my father before he died. NOT to his face, let's be clear. Any action I took on his behalf was for my own benefit.

Not being shaken by this doesn't make me a sociopath, right?

Absolutely not. Now, those *other* things....well....

Dear me, y'all. I am pooped. In the past 3 weeks I have had tech week, gotten my show up, had our weekend of shows, had strike which involved running all over town returning things, drove over 1500 miles, visited my mom and dad in TN, brought family home with me, went sightseeing and running around with them.

Took them to the airport this morning and almost didn't make it home due to the torrential rainstorms and flooding around Chicago. Seriously, almost stalled on a flooded road and had to detour all over the place.

I took a 4 hour nap this afternoon and will probably still fall asleep tonight.

I miss y'all. Due to above crazyness, I've had to skip skip skip. So, how is everyone??

I totally get not liking to make eye contact, and that doing something you don't do is unpleasant, but there isn't an inherent net exchange of anything involved in the eye contact process.

I think *I* can invest the eye contact process with something, but it's completely independent of what's happening on the part of the other person. They may or may not like it.

I mean, I definitely think there's a potential charge to it--I was just saying yesterday I'd like to make eye contact with a certain celebrity--not anyone I have any interest in meeting or talking to. Just to see what that gaze looks like in person.

But I wouldn't be taking anything away from him. It would just be a little experience.

As for live music, I think there are a million little components to that that make it different from a recording that I wouldn't even make it to darshan in terms of explaining why it's richer and more rewarding. And, note, I'm still caught up in the idea of darshan as something depleting, AND the idea that the person on the other side is holy.

Because, really? I come from the land of Bob Marley, and I wouldn't even give him that.

I know how hermit-y that makes me sound, or like "Honey, the Asperger's is getting worse." Or, uh, INSANE. And those might be true. I just know I don't like making eye contact with some people because it makes me feel oogy.

I was describing dog class to a good friend and how all the other dogs were learning not to jump up on people. And I was all "of course, with Darb, you come towards her like that she just backs up and gives you this look like "What are you doing? I find this strange and offputting."

She just looked at me, paused, and said: "I really can't believe you two found each other."

She just looked at me, paused, and said: "I really can't believe you two found each other."

Oh. My. God. Bartleby and I are exactly the same, in this regard. Our temperaments could not be more similar.

He loves to greet his human 'friends' but then is quickly done with the small talk portion of the program. He would rather sit still...and wishes I would too. He seems to appreciate the little moments of his life. And he's all about food.

Yep. Match made in heaven.

A good friend called recently to say that she wants me to get another dog soon. Not because I need more stuff to do, but because she fears for me when it is time for Bartleby to go. She's right to be concerned. I honestly don't know how I'll react. But getting another dog now doesn't seem the right solution. We've got a crazy good thing going on and I'm not going to tamper with that out of fear.

As for live music, I think there are a million little components to that that make it different from a recording that I wouldn't even make it to darshan in terms of explaining why it's richer and more rewarding. And, note, I'm still caught up in the idea of darshan as something depleting, AND the idea that the person on the other side is holy.

But it's not the difference between live and recorded, or even between being there and hearing but not being there, it's the difference between being there and seeing the music happen and being there and not being able to see. And it's not a matter of being able to see what they are doing technically, because I can't see that well and wouldn't be able to follow the fingers, etc., anyway. I don't know what the difference is but there is one. And I don't know what makes someone holy, either, but it might be a similar sort of unknown thing. I can't distinguish the unknowns.

The object of the darshan, I would think, doesn't really have to have any particulra qualities or even be aware of the effect. People can invest anyone or anything with sacredness for no good reason, or for a good reason, but I doubt the reason has much to do with the strength of the effect.

The part where that takes away from the object, well, I can't see that being inherent in the process, at least, not anymore than any other kind of objectification.

I don't really have anything but generic woman-on-the-street sympathy.

That is as much as you owe her, erika. And from what you say, the fact that you are not rejoicing in her pain, or gleeful at the thought of her potential demise says a lot for you not being a psychopath.

A good friend called recently to say that she wants me to get another dog soon. Not because I need more stuff to do, but because she fears for me when it is time for Bartleby to go. She's right to be concerned. I honestly don't know how I'll react. But getting another dog now doesn't seem the right solution. We've got a crazy good thing going on and I'm not going to tamper with that out of fear.

It will hurt like hell, bonny. You will need your friends' love and care. And you know that you will have a ton of it from here. And when the time is right for another dog to come into your life, you will know - be it before or soon after, or long after.

She's right to be concerned. I honestly don't know how I'll react. But getting another dog now doesn't seem the right solution.

Losing Lucy wrecked me. I'm still wrecked. It was 18 months (to the day, coincidentally) between her and Darb and it took me that long to just be ready to make a connection again.

One of my coworkers lost a beloved dog not long after Lucy, after a similarly long period of intense care, and she got a new puppy within a week.

I don't think you'll know or have any way of knowing where you'll be ahead of time, so I'd say do what's best for B and you now, and follow your gut when the time comes.

The object of the darshan, I would think, doesn't really have to have any particulra qualities or even be aware of the effect.

Then I don't think it's darshan anymore, because that's not how the article defined it--it said holy, and it referred to an exchange. It would be some other ineffable charge of shared experience.

Which I have no beef with. It's precisely the idolisation and the transfer/depletion with a celebrity that bother me, especially if the celebrity buys into the pedestal. They're famous, not special.