My stepmonster may have leukemia. Whatever she has, she is very sick with it and having tests I've seen on House episodes. But, you know, stepmonster is not me trying to be cute about about a fractious-yet-warm relationship...it's been terrible between us since I was about sixteen...I don't really have anything but generic woman-on-the-street sympathy. I mean, it's bad for anyone who has to lean on my dad, but I'm not a traitor to my gender if I don't want to swoop in and Make Everything Right. Right? Because I'm looking for guilt, or at least warm memories from when we got along, but I'm not finding much. I was a freshman in high school the last time we had a good day together and I'm pretty sure she's the one who encouraged my dad to cut me off. Not being shaken by this doesn't make me a sociopath, right?

When someone makes eye contact with me, they're not taking anything away from me.

I, uh, kind of avoid making eye contact with a lot of people (mostly in the halls at work), and I guess it's not that I think they're *taking* anything from me, but I don't really want to make any connection whatsoever with them, and it *feels* like they're taking something from me.

I know how hermit-y that makes me sound, or like "Honey, the Asperger's is getting worse." Or, uh, INSANE. And those might be true. I just know I don't like making eye contact with some people because it makes me feel oogy.

You may begin MARCIE-ing me at light speed now.

Erika, no. Jon has pretty much the same with his dad and step, and I am absolutely sure he is an amazing human.

I never know how long to hold eye contact, so I generally don't seek it out very much. It's sort of choosing between presenting as shy/standoffish vs. weirdo who may go for your throat at any moment. Shy/standoffish wins out.

I feel sort of bad, as I went through a brief be-a-doctor and write like Chekov-phase(and about eight million hours of House) So I know she had an LP and that shit hurts, but I don't want to kiss it better or anything. Why didn't I do the doctor thing? Doctors take math. Which I failed. A lot.

erika, you don't have any obligation to feel especially bad for or want to help someone who isn't close to you and has caused you trouble and pain. Your dad married her, not you.

Steph, if that means you're crazy, at least you're not sitting in the crazy corner alone; I'm there with you. Avoiding eye contact.

I am generally known as being pretty friendly and open, and even I have to mentally remind myself about eye contact.

I completely agree with Zenkitty, erika. We can only give what we can give, and we can't love everyone.

That being said, I can say with total conviction that the very best gift I ever gave myself was forgiving my father before he died. NOT to his face, let's be clear. Any action I took on his behalf was for my own benefit.

Not being shaken by this doesn't make me a sociopath, right?

Absolutely not. Now, those *other* things....well....

Dear me, y'all. I am pooped. In the past 3 weeks I have had tech week, gotten my show up, had our weekend of shows, had strike which involved running all over town returning things, drove over 1500 miles, visited my mom and dad in TN, brought family home with me, went sightseeing and running around with them.

Took them to the airport this morning and almost didn't make it home due to the torrential rainstorms and flooding around Chicago. Seriously, almost stalled on a flooded road and had to detour all over the place.

I took a 4 hour nap this afternoon and will probably still fall asleep tonight.

I miss y'all. Due to above crazyness, I've had to skip skip skip. So, how is everyone??

I totally get not liking to make eye contact, and that doing something you don't do is unpleasant, but there isn't an inherent net exchange of anything involved in the eye contact process.

I think *I* can invest the eye contact process with something, but it's completely independent of what's happening on the part of the other person. They may or may not like it.

I mean, I definitely think there's a potential charge to it--I was just saying yesterday I'd like to make eye contact with a certain celebrity--not anyone I have any interest in meeting or talking to. Just to see what that gaze looks like in person.

But I wouldn't be taking anything away from him. It would just be a little experience.

As for live music, I think there are a million little components to that that make it different from a recording that I wouldn't even make it to darshan in terms of explaining why it's richer and more rewarding. And, note, I'm still caught up in the idea of darshan as something depleting, AND the idea that the person on the other side is holy.

Because, really? I come from the land of Bob Marley, and I wouldn't even give him that.