I understand, intellectually, family rifts. But I just can't understand it outside of abuse of various sorts.

Some people are just mean spirited. I have an aunt I never met. Once she married and moved out, she just never wanted anything to do with the family, even though she lived in the same small town they grew up in. She particularly resented my mother (the youngest) and slammed the door in her face when she brought my Dad to meet her. Naturally, she's the one who took the few possessions my grandparents had when they died. At one point, one cousin went to her house and refused to leave without my grandfather's WWI medals.

It's weird because the rest of the family is very close, but we have cousins and 1st cousins once-removed that we've never met.

ETA: And now I feel bad for not calling my aunt today on her birthday.

Well, yeah. It just is so stupid. Especially this one. SIl has good reason to be hurt, but she tried despite being hurt. And they just aren't. hand flapping Stupid.

It also upsets me because it means my nephews don't have a set of g-parents through no fault of their own. Not right.

I'm going to posit that no grandparents may be preferable to those grandparents. Doesn't make the current situation less hurty, but it simply may not be fixable.

My cousins have a grandmother on their other side who always treated them like second-class grandkids. Right in front of them she would dote on the others and ignore them. SHe would send gifts to the others, not to them. She distributed family things, then sold the rest before they could have some. really nasty. Still her son and his wife kept the contact, but neither of those grandkids ever go see her.

The thing that gets me is that if weren't for the parental bullshit towards SIL, the boys would be doted on by them. D was, until this. He brought out the best in them. It just seems like such a shame. Yes, they are imperfect. But kids have their parents' example too. My paternal g-mom was a goddamn bitch when it came to girlchildren. So totally had a preference and I knew it. But I knew her, and that, and was able to subtract that out to see what she offered me, thanks to my dad and aunt, though that took a while. And I see in her the things she gave her son to raise a daughter like me. Not all her, my parents had healthier role models elsewhere, but some of her, yeah, I see it. I just wish the boys will know enough of the other set of g-parents to take away the good. And that's iffy.

But I totally resent her for the boobs. Out of my entire female line on all sides, I got the boobs. The only one bigger than a B. Damnit.

On one level grudges take a lot of initial energy, but then very little maintenance or follow up. In my family, we're not especially grudgey and frankly, I'm too tired to really grudgehold. How does anyone have the energy for it?

How does anyone have the energy for it?

It gives the truly bitter a reason to live. They need the bile and the drama as sustenance.

On one level grudges take a lot of initial energy, but then very little maintenance or follow up.

So true.

Plus being the one to take the step towards reconciling is HARD.

It gives the truly bitter a reason to live. They need the bile and the drama as sustenance.

I dunno. I mean, yeah, I agree about the bitter--it's hard to feed a grudge without turning a bit bitter. But I know a lot of grudge holders that aren't into the drama at all. It's more like they have such a fragile sense of self that they need to hold onto the grudges to ensure that their identity remains fixed and stable.

Once you've held a grudge for a while, I imagine it is as comfortable and comforting as any habit. Some people probably slip into that faster and more easily than others.