Okay, so I love the Wachowskis. I love everything they have ever put on film, full stop, no exceptions, warts and all. I love their corny tacked-on love stories and their ridiculous obsession with telephones and elevators. I went into Jupiter Ascending fully confident that no matter how much of an unholy mess it was, that I would love it anyway because it would be an unholy Wachowski mess.
And it was so, so, so terrible.
The movie shows clear signs of studio fuckery - delayed release, awkward voiceover intro, bizarre pacing issues. So there is that to take into account. But the script that wound up onscreen is so inexplicably awful that I'm not sure the original directors' cut would have been much better.
Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis have whatever the opposite of chemistry is. Maybe in the future humans are so evolved that uncontrollable sexual attraction looks a lot like dead-eyed boredom?
Jupiter does literally nothing the entire movie. The way the movie seems to be structured, you think oh, she's the Chosen One, and oh, AWESOME they're gonna reverse the Trinity Syndrome! But, NOPE. Her ENTIRE STORYLINE is being repeatedly kidnapped and talked into making terrible decisions until Channing Tatum rescues her at the last minute. OVER AND FUCKING OVER AGAIN. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, W's. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.