I hate that my parents insist on monopolizing my time when I am in town for a conference, and I feel like a dick for not wanting to spend more time with them. I came early to give them four full days with me, intending to enjoy my conference time completely apart from them. But my current potential future wife happens to be in town for a wedding, so they're arranging a face-to-face on Friday. And I am far too honest and admitted that the conference ends on Saturday, so my dad wants me to come home on Sunday. When I accused him of taking over my Sunday, that I knew other people in town besides him, he said that he wasn't saying the whole day (even though he specifically said to come in the morning), what, I couldn't spend one hour with them? Go ahead, do your other things, and come home around 1 or 2...and spend far more than one hour with us since your flight is at 9.

I feel like I am conditioned to acquiesce. That I am psychologically incapable of standing up for myself. Even though that's a very defeatist attitude. But if I don't have the balls to say, "No, this is MY time, and I will spend it how I damn well please," how am I ever going to say anything when it really matters?

I feel like I am conditioned to acquiesce.

You are. But the rest of the paragraph doesn't have to follow from that -- recognizing the fact now and standing up in smaller ways (and realizing that it won't actually break either you or them to do so, just as important) is a step towards *not* having to say no for the very first time when it turns out that this year is finally India In December time.

(IOW, conditioning isn't permanent, and if you fudge some "lunch plans" on Saturday, we won't tell.)

Hil, the writing is the last thing you need to worry about. We have editors

No Buffista ever needs to edit alone.

That's dreadful, Erin.

strategy, P-C, strategy.

DH gets along with his parents much better than he did as a teen, but still limited time is best , both for their physical health and his mental health.

Tell them as late as possible

Tell them your plans -- I see you day a and b, be off day c, d, and e, avalible f and leaving g.

It doesn't matter what you are doing on the days you won't be around.

If possible stay no more than 1 or 2 days in their house -- if you have to tell them you are saving points for a big trip - do so.

Take conrtol over you vacation - giving them one or two days of control.

Even when we go to my folks house -- where there isn't so much around , we at least rent a car and plan a day or two of us time

You aren't a child in rebellion, you are an adult in charge of your life.

And , BTW, it took us a few trips to figure out how to do this -- So if things don't go your way this time, You plan for next time

And I am far too honest and admitted that the conference ends on Saturday

That's the thing. Both amy and beth give you good advice.

There are so many flavors of honesty, and being less-than-forthright and noncommital are but the thinnest slices of dissembling. It's built into the social equation to such a degree that often asking a direct (challenging) question is somewhat rude.

Relationships aren't governed by logic so much as poetry and metaphor. So, use your poetic license and strategize. "Elision" is your new mantra for the year.

Admitting when the conference ends -- fine, but you have plans for Saturday -- even if the plan is not to spend time with your parents.

Seriously, if plans 'change ' and you can spend more time with them , Do you think they will be unhappy? Esp. if you decide to change them to spend more time with them.

and if things get pushy -- you can always say -- I was going to have lunch at Restaurant X , would you care to join me.

In our case, we didn't think we would be joined, but it was our favorite when we lived in CT. DH's parents now have a new favorite restaurant.

Skipping to ask: when emailing a professor for the first time, do I start the email with "Dear Dr. X", or just "Dr. X,"?

Edit: nevermind now, but thanks.

Calm~ma for Hil, and best of luck with job-searching and dissertation-writing. I know I'm not at your level, but I have an unhelpful (and often obstructive) dissertation supervisor too, so I can relate. Much job~ma for you.

I'm skimming on account of still being determined to finish this dissertation chapter sometime before the Apocalypse. (Though I have discovered the assistive technology area of the library at the university whose facilities I'm borrowing. Cue much excitement and remembering how great it is to have everything read to me in a Sat Nav voice.) Health~ma and job~ma to all those that need it.

Just finished giving the little man his late-night feed. I pick him up out of his bassinette and hold him up high, he takes one look at me and spits up right in my face. Well played, tiny person. Well played.

I pick him up out of his bassinette and hold him up high, he takes one look at me and spits up right in my face.

Y'know, I got to "hold him up high" and didn't need to read any further. I just knew what words were about to follow.