Seska, did your PCA ever show?

Eventually. She had a flat tire on her bicycle. She forgot to call, because she didn't realise how late she was. (I think she's now got the message that this is not a good excuse for not calling, and that I need to know if she's running late.)

And my response to that question crosses over into your other topic. I've been employing PCAs for three years. I am so utterly crap at laying down the law when necessary. I like to have a friendly, informal working relationship with them, what with us spending up to 20 hours a week together - but they still sometimes need telling things along the lines of "No, you do not socialize with random people when you are helping me during an evening out, so that you don't hear me when I ask for your help," and "No, you do not turn up half an hour late without informing me." And I'm really bad at that side of things. I'm still hoping the right level of management skills will develop from somewhere. Somehow.

It was equally difficult when I was a teacher-manager in a school. I managed creatively, but not authoritatively. I tried hard to tell people that, yes, they really did have to come to the meeting, on account of how they'd already missed all the other meetings that month. Did they come? No. (The four of us who did regularly come to the meetings got a lot done, though.)

My kids are going to be spoilt brats.

Yeah, about that boss/parent thing: I guess I always had a problem with this concept of being obedient.

Sometimes, I have no way of telling the difference between what is a complete bullshit I should just suck because "that's life, honey", and where can I put my weight on and call for further inspection. ::sigh:: again, arbitrariness? Ain't my thing. Maybe Wash was OK with "I'm a leaf in the wind, watch how I soar", but I'm a bit more sceptic. You know, more "Dude, you can't soar if you're pinned down by a huge chunk of something".

But maybe I'm just being petty.

Go Daniel and Andi with the productivity.

I have a question for you boss-types and parent-types... did you develop these skills on the job (saying no and such) or did it just come naturally?

Not in the least bit natural for me. Being a boss and parent requires me to find a way to be unsympathetic when I am not, confrontational when I am not, etc. It is much more comfortable for me to always be the nice good guy, but when I wear the boss or parent hat I sometimes have to be the bad guy. It is a responsibility that sucks.

Now saying No is real easy for me and natural. I get all the calls forwarded to me that require No because I don't have a problem with that. I can do that with the kids too. No! See how easy that is.

"Saying no to unwanted requests" is half my homework for DBT this week, so I'm going to try and get some good practice in. "Asking for what I need" is the other half. Neither of those things come naturally.

ION, I've been smelling phantom cat pee for over a day now. I'm reasonably sure it's a phantom smell b/c I've changed clothes and locations, and I should really not be smelling cat pee at work. But it's rather disturbing, especially at home where I have a cat who occasionally shows her displeasure through vengeful peeing. Oh, nose, why must thou be so false? ::consults insult bot:: There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.

eta and I see that I've now been procrastinating for half an hour. Off I go again!

Oh good lord, do I have a mood on. It's a good thing that I'm working from home today, because I've snarled out loud at multiple emails, over things that usually engender a mere eye-roll.

For example, [Organization name] is proud to participate in . . .

No, [Organization name] is fucking well not proud to participate in anything, as it's a corporate entity and therefore has no emotions, so kindly take your touchy-feely PR bullshit and get it the hell away from my website.

I'm thinking I should consider getting back into Yoga. Or Xanax. Or scotch.

"Saying no to unwanted requests" is half my homework for DBT this week, so I'm going to try and get some good practice in.

I am horrible at this. It's almost a physical inability (or it feels like it). I am CRAP at setting boundaries and enforcing them. (Which isn't totally true; one notable exception was when, after much therapy, I was able to do it with my mom. Which is proof that I *can* do it, but it's so fucking hard.)

A real wake-up call for me happened the other day. Some of you might remember the Saga of The Kink Group's Newsletter, in which I was treated like dirt and then, when I stood up for myself and resigned, was treated like a sociopath.

Well, due to most people leaving the group because they've been treated like that, there are no other members who have a clue of how to create/edit a newsletter. So Dude in Charge keeps asking/telling me that he needs me to do it.

I keep saying HELL fuck no. NEVER. And he keeps asking me about it. I told The Boy that I'm at the point where I don't want to go to any group event because I don't want to deal with Dude in Charge.

"I am so lousy at enforcing my boundaries," I told him, "and [Dude in Charge] just keeps pushing and pushing and pushing."

The Boy said, "Then *I'll* enforce your boundaries for you."

Which is totally sweet, and I love him madly for it, but -- I gotta do this myself. I have to tell Dude in Charge to stop bringing it up, because I will not do it, and if, I change my mind, *I* will let *him* know. I *have* to do it myself. I'm just so crap at it.

"Asking for what I need" is the other half. Neither of those things come naturally.

I've always been lousy at this, too, but I've been forced to do it now that I live with The Boy -- I physically cannot clean the litter boxes, or my lungs will collapse. And running the vacuum cleaner is similar, though not as severe. So I have to ask him to vacuum when the pet-hair tumbleweeds are bigger than the dogs.

It's not the same as asking for what I need emotionally, but it's a start, and getting into the habit of asking for housework might make it easier for me to ask for what I need emotionally.

ION, I've been smelling phantom cat pee for over a day now.

Phantom cats can pee?? (Also: Viva la pee!!!)

Everything about that intern screams "unemployable" to me.

Yes, she will have many problems. I was telling the story to one of my friends who is in financial aid, and when I mentioned her name (it's a bit unusual), she said "oh, HER? I could have told you that she was a nightmare. She had a bad attitude with me and I was trying to give her money."

I have a question for you boss-types and parent-types... did you develop these skills on the job (saying no and such) or did it just come naturally?

Well, I've always been kind of a bitch :) Actually, I think the key to this is being able to not be bothered by the fact that someone may not like you because you said no. It's okay if my employee doesn't like me, because I don't need that, I need work to get done. I want them to like me, and I care if they do, I just am not bothered if they don't.

Actually, I think the key to this is being able to not be bothered by the fact that someone may not like you because you said no.

Yeah, this is a major part of my issue. I'm so terrified of conflict and I really want people to like me. Oh, hello, lifelong struggle - we're going to be together a long, long time so let's make friends!

Honestly, I can't tell you how many times I've thought, "Man, I so wish I could channel Vortex right now..."

Steph, uggh. Definitely sweet of The Boy but yes, I can see why you need to do it yourself. I like your point about the housework. Starting with small, concrete things is a good way to practice.

(Also: Viva la pee!!!)

HAH!

She had a bad attitude with me and I was trying to give her money.

::blinks:: Well, there went the last teeny scrap of sympathy I might have for her cluelessness.

One hour and fifteen minutes later... I have approached the task, done some prelim work, opened the document, and figured out where I'm going to start. But not actually started. Wow, sometimes I fascinate me.

I have to say no, and do disciplinary hearings and even fire people and I find it fairly easy, mostly because I work in a very supportive place and if they are getting warnings or whatever, it's because they really did bad work over a long period of time. They're adults and if they choose not to follow the very clear and gentle training we give, then they made their freaking bed.

I have had so many incompetent, clueless or actively unkind bosses in the past that I look on this job as a chance to do those things in the most respectful and caring way possible. I try to be the boss I wanted when I was in the employee's position. Doing it that way makes it a lot easier for me--and for them, I hope.