"Saying no to unwanted requests" is half my homework for DBT this week, so I'm going to try and get some good practice in.
I am horrible at this. It's almost a physical inability (or it feels like it). I am CRAP at setting boundaries and enforcing them. (Which isn't totally true; one notable exception was when, after much therapy, I was able to do it with my mom. Which is proof that I *can* do it, but it's so fucking hard.)
A real wake-up call for me happened the other day. Some of you might remember the Saga of The Kink Group's Newsletter, in which I was treated like dirt and then, when I stood up for myself and resigned, was treated like a sociopath.
Well, due to most people leaving the group because they've been treated like that, there are no other members who have a clue of how to create/edit a newsletter. So Dude in Charge keeps asking/telling me that he needs me to do it.
I keep saying HELL fuck no. NEVER. And he keeps asking me about it. I told The Boy that I'm at the point where I don't want to go to any group event because I don't want to deal with Dude in Charge.
"I am so lousy at enforcing my boundaries," I told him, "and [Dude in Charge] just keeps pushing and pushing and pushing."
The Boy said, "Then *I'll* enforce your boundaries for you."
Which is totally sweet, and I love him madly for it, but -- I gotta do this myself. I have to tell Dude in Charge to stop bringing it up, because I will not do it, and if, I change my mind, *I* will let *him* know. I *have* to do it myself. I'm just so crap at it.
"Asking for what I need" is the other half. Neither of those things come naturally.
I've always been lousy at this, too, but I've been forced to do it now that I live with The Boy -- I physically cannot clean the litter boxes, or my lungs will collapse. And running the vacuum cleaner is similar, though not as severe. So I have to ask him to vacuum when the pet-hair tumbleweeds are bigger than the dogs.
It's not the same as asking for what I need emotionally, but it's a start, and getting into the habit of asking for housework might make it easier for me to ask for what I need emotionally.
ION, I've been smelling phantom cat pee for over a day now.
Phantom cats can pee?? (Also: Viva la pee!!!)
Everything about that intern screams "unemployable" to me.
Yes, she will have many problems. I was telling the story to one of my friends who is in financial aid, and when I mentioned her name (it's a bit unusual), she said "oh, HER? I could have told you that she was a nightmare. She had a bad attitude with me and I was trying to give her money."
I have a question for you boss-types and parent-types... did you develop these skills on the job (saying no and such) or did it just come naturally?
Well, I've always been kind of a bitch :) Actually, I think the key to this is being able to not be bothered by the fact that someone may not like you because you said no. It's okay if my employee doesn't like me, because I don't need that, I need work to get done. I want them to like me, and I care if they do, I just am not bothered if they don't.
Actually, I think the key to this is being able to not be bothered by the fact that someone may not like you because you said no.
Yeah, this is a major part of my issue. I'm so terrified of conflict and I really want people to like me. Oh, hello, lifelong struggle - we're going to be together a long, long time so let's make friends!
Honestly, I can't tell you how many times I've thought, "Man, I so wish I could channel Vortex right now..."
Steph, uggh. Definitely sweet of The Boy but yes, I can see why you need to do it yourself. I like your point about the housework. Starting with small, concrete things is a good way to practice.
(Also: Viva la pee!!!)
HAH!
She had a bad attitude with me and I was trying to give her money.
::blinks:: Well, there went the last teeny scrap of sympathy I might have for her cluelessness.
One hour and fifteen minutes later... I have approached the task, done some prelim work, opened the document, and figured out where I'm going to start. But not actually started. Wow, sometimes I fascinate me.
I have to say no, and do disciplinary hearings and even fire people and I find it fairly easy, mostly because I work in a very supportive place and if they are getting warnings or whatever, it's because they really did bad work over a long period of time. They're adults and if they choose not to follow the very clear and gentle training we give, then they made their freaking bed.
I have had so many incompetent, clueless or actively unkind bosses in the past that I look on this job as a chance to do those things in the most respectful and caring way possible. I try to be the boss I wanted when I was in the employee's position. Doing it that way makes it a lot easier for me--and for them, I hope.
Skip! Sorry. But thought the news was worthy.
Quick phone call from sis this morning. Dad is sitting in a chair and grumpy. No more tube down throat. Still sore tummy. Not eating or drinking yet. Hopes to be moved out of icu late today or tomorrow.
oh, omnis, what a relief!
Yay for grumpy chair-sitting dad!
I'm not a boss or a parent, but I have no problem saying no or laying down the law as a teacher. Hey, I've got a classroom of barely sober kiddoes who may or may not be on opposing sides of the local gang war, I'm not wasting too much time with wondering if it's an appropriate boundary to set. But I also have the luxury of my program being completely voluntary, and the worst possible punishment to not be allowed to participate. Clear guidelines established from the beginning and consistent enforcement. Not that we always get there, but we definitely try.
