That is totally almost exactly it! I feel better now.

Lisa, that was my friend Jamie's signature joke in HS. It was a very very drawn out affair when he did it right.

That is totally almost exactly it! I feel better now.

Oh thank GOODNESS. Remembering and typing that thing was a bee-yotch.

Aroused elephant tops list of bizarre holiday grievances

One envious holidaymaker complained that his friend’s three-bedroom apartment was “clearly bigger” than his one-bedroom place, while others could not hide their frustration that it took them nine hours to fly back to England from Jamaica when it only took the American travellers a mere three hours to get home.

More complaints:

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco

I grew up in a town that was mostly populated by the descendants of Polish immigrants. One of them told me this joke.

A Polish man is walking down the road and he finds a bottle. When he opens the bottle, a genie popped out. "Thank you, kind sir! You've released me from a thousand years' captivity, so I'll give you three wishes!" The man thinks for a moment and then says, "I want to see all the soldiers in China march here and attack Poland and then go home!" The genie's confused, but he's a genie of his word, so the Chinese soldiers march over, attack Poland, and then go home. It's terrible and messy, but when the dust settles the genie finds the man and asks for his second wish. The man smiles and says, "I want the same thing to happen again!" Strange are the ways of humans, thinks the genie, but he goes and works his magic. War, death, and all the attendant horrors occur for the second time. The genie comes back to the man and asks, with a bit of trepidation, "What is your third wish?" "Oh, that's easy," says the man. "I want the same thing to happen for a third time." So once more the genie does his thing. A while later, curiosity gets the better of the genie, and he asks the man, why he'd made such a strange wish, much less three times. "Simple," said the man. Every time the Chinese army attacked here, they went through Russia twice."

Calli, that's brilliant.

Heh, that's awesome.

The rude clown joke is also brilliant.

I once heard somebody tell the joke about the three-legged dog, and manage to spin it out to an almost ten-minute Western epic. It was truly majestic.

What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A nun rolling down a hill.

What is green and goes "Slam slam slam slam"? A four-door pickle

What's purple and conquered Europe? Alexander the Grape

How can you tell there's an elephant in your bed? 1) By the E on his pajamas 2) By the peanuts on his breath.

How do you get four elephants into a compact car? Two in the front and two in the back.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Can't be done. It's a hardware problem.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. It actually only takes one programmer to change a light bulb, but three will leave in the middle of the project.