I don't think I'm going to read that Matrix story. Endings where Sam and Dean don't know each other are kind of the saddest ending in the world.

And I hope Carver understands that I don't mean that in any marginally positive sense.

Looking through the images of those scenes, I think I love [link] the most. It suitably captures the moment the best for me, and I can't even put words to everything that went through my mind (and heart!) at that moment. They both look kinda great here: [link] and this [link] choked me up again. But luckily I have this [link] to cheer me up. Bless.

That gif is hilarious.

I now can't stop staring at his right hand.

Another thing that made me sad was that, this time, for realz, Dean got Cas back, but it was so overshadowed with previous closure and doubt and wariness that it wasn't the heart-healing hugs that was the reunion in Purgatory. This time, as much as its been forshadowed for Dean, taunted to him in glimpses, when it's finally real, he can only sit back and get angry and confused.

I'm at least glad that Cas didn't try for a hug that would have gotten refused.

That hurts, that Dean wasn't in the headspace to be grateful that Cas was alive, that he defaulted to suspicious.

Dean seemed more committed to their reunion after the hospital, which is sad. Like, before he was Mad At Cas because Cas did something wrong and then something stupid, but now he's Madder At Cas because he thinks he did something wrong. It's all so deliciously broken--like Supernatural braised in a reduction of self-hatred and general suspicion.

That's it! Add one TB of DW tears to recipe for the perfect muffin crumb.

In seriousness, so, we got Dean feeling extra guilty now that Cas is out. Dean thinks he failed Cas getting him out. He's mad at Cas for getting out without his aid. Dean's supsicious of Cas getting out without his aid. I'm not sure what to make of that, other than Dean not believing it, and Dean feeling he's been denied the one thing that could absolve him of his guilt: getting Cas out. So, yeah, Dean's a little poleaxed, and not forthcoming with the hugs, because he's confused and at a loss since he's not the dude that did the deed.

God, it hits me that he doesn't get to return the favour of Cas pulling him out of Hell.

I GRIPPED YOU TIGHT TOO!!! I DIDN'T KNOW LETTING GO WAS AN OPTION!!!!1!

It didn't seem that complicated to me. Dean felt guilty that he left Cas behind, as he remembered it. (I think that's one of the most interesting parts, that he'd rather blame himself for not rescuing him than admit that Cas wanted to stay and atone.)

It also might be a "Who succeeded when I failed?" thing, in terms of getting Cas out, which makes sense because Dean's self-esteem is close to nil.

I think also his standoffishness and weirdness around Cas might have been because he was subconsciously denying what had really happened. Having Cas show up must have been off-putting when he had convinced himself Cas was lost, and he was ready to berate himself forever for failing him.

I think it's at least a level complicated in that Dean created a memory so could "deal with his responsibility" for values of deal that include "yelling at you a lot and saying it wasn't his fault."

When someone contrives to be at fault rather than deal with being...abandoned? I think that's a valid reading, given heated arguments he's had many a season. He's not good at people choosing to not be with him, even when he's the last thing they're thinking of.

Which leads me to wonder--does he need to not be the last thing they're thinking of? Is it more important that Sam left him than that Sam didn't stay for him? It's a reading I think the text lets you come at some directions from.

and Dean feeling he's been denied the one thing that could absolve him of his guilt: getting Cas out

So much a mirror of Sam not being able to get Dean out of hell and all his feelings of guilt and responsibilty then. Except I don't expect Dean to start slurping down Benny's vampire blood now.