Do you think it was harder for Dean to come back from hell, knowing what he'd done, with those memories, or for Buffy to come back from heaven?

Also, the idea that Dean was in hell for longer than he'd been alive on earth is really heartbreaking.

I think Dean came back hating himself and Buffy came back hating her friends.

And I think the latter is easier to get over, because you don't change. Something has to happen to give you more insight and acceptance of yourself. But if it's other people that you hate, they can explain themselves, apologise, win back your trust and love.

Besides, Buffy loved those guys. Dean never loved himself.

Amy, I really liked your essay - you did an excellent job of pulling bits and pieces of various episodes into an entertaining analysis of sacrifice. It got me thinking that it doesn't seem that Dean is still willing to sacrifice himself and I'm wondering why. Sam is concerned that he is reckless but I think that is resignation and frustration, not sacrifice. I don't think he has more self-esteem than he did in Season 2 but I think that his decision not to be self-sacrificial after Sam went to hell was more than just complying with Sam's request - he ignores Sam's directions on a regular basis. Has he decided it is futile? Does that make him less heroic?

Do you mean he thinks it's futile to be self-sacrificial?

I'm still mostly of the belief the reason he didn't dissolve into a downward spiral of alcohol abuse and risky behaviours was because of the promise, myself.

I think his promise to Sam kept him from being stupid with his life but I'm not sure it is what kept from trying to march into Hell to save Sam. I just don't think that current Dean would make the deal that Season 2 Dean did and I'm wondering what has changed. Has he learned from his past or has he just decided that the whole "saving people, hunting things" is a crock? If family motivated him, even to the point of self-sacrifice, in the early seasons, what motivates him now? If he is just going through the motions because it is all that he knows to do, is he still a hero?

This is all Amy's fault, of course - she made me think!

I'm not sure it is what kept from trying to march into Hell to save Sam

Okay, this I definitely do disagree with--in my Supernatural worldview he might have grown up enough not to waste his life for *nothing*, but he didn't try to save Sam purely because Sam asked. Purely.

In fact, I managed to get it wedged in my head that he actually did research. Didn't *do* anything (because he couldn't find an answer), so plausible deniability is his friend. But he peeked.

I don't usually hallucinate canon, but this is one piece I had to back and verify didn't happen, because I was so sure it had.

Failing it being true, I sure do like it.

Huh. I thought at some point he said he did research but got nothing too. OK in exile on Main Street [link]

Dean: Good for who? I showed up on their doorstep half out of my head with grief. God knows why they even let me in. I drank too much. I had nightmares. I looked everywhere. I collected hundreds of books, trying to find anything to bust you out.

Sam: You promised you'd leave it alone.

Dean: Of course I didn't leave it alone! Sue me! A damn year? You couldn't put me out of my misery?

Huh.

Huh.

Okay, so I guess I didn't make it up...I really thought that was head canon.

Do you think that if he had found a way to trade his life for Sam's that he would have done it? Would the promise to Sam stop him then?

I have a sneaking suspicion that he figures the mistake he made the first time was allowing a scenario in which Sam would find out while he was still there. If it could be a straight up swap and Sam couldn't yell at him for it...

I'm not sure he's totally fixed yet.