Miracleman's Inauguration Ceremony (from the Improbable Alternate Universe Series, Vol. MXLI)
Miracleman: Who picked this asshat to...what is this, anyway? Is he blessing us or something? What the fuck is "Saddleback"? Go get Dan Savage on the line, I got a couple questions, I don't think this is right.
***
Miracleman: Don't you think it's kind of morbid, swearing in the Veep first? I mean, I get it, if something happens in the next six and a half seconds somebody's gotta be ready, but...look, you Secret Service guys frisked him, right?
***
Chief Justice Roberts: I, Miracleman...
Miracleman: I, Mirac--
Chief Justice Roberts: ...do solemnly swear...
Miracleman: ...um...I, Miracleman, do solemnly swear...
Chief Justice Roberts: ... that I will execute the office of president to the United States faithfully...
Miracleman: ... that I will execute...
Chief Justice Roberts: ... faithfully the office of president of the United States...
Miracleman: Stop. Cut. What the fuck, man? Are you drunk? Do over. Fuck.
Chief Justice Roberts: ... and will to the best of my ability...
Miracleman: Seriously, stop. Take it from the top. Lock it up, Roberts! Shit.
***
Miracleman: I'll try to be brief. My predecessor was a colossal douchnozzle and possibly retarded. The tests are still pending. We're gonna fix all the stupid shit he did. Sit down, W., you're not goin' anywhere. Secret Service, if he gets up, fidgets or makes that annoying "pfft" noise, taser him until he pees himself.
Yes, I'm serious.
My "honorable" predecessor and his evil puppet-master are going from here straight to Gitmo. I'm suspending all military tribunals except theirs. I'm also sending along a little note reminding the troops down there about the previous administration's slashing of benefits for veterans, and the egregious "stop loss" programs. I'm also recommending a good brand of bucket. I like Rubbermaid; sturdy and holds lots of water.
I got lots of smart people to advise me (Buffista shout-out! Net freaks represent!) and we're gonna fix all this stuff just as quick as we can. And you're gonna be able to watch us do it. Transparency is the watchword of this administration. Watch and post democracy.
That's it. I got a fuckton of work to do and four years to do it.
Unless, you know...you vote MM in '12. Keep that thought.