Natter 61*
Off-topic discussion. Wanna talk about corsets, duct tape, or physics? This is the place. Detailed discussion of any current-season TV must be whitefonted.
Come to Colorado!
Believe me, babe, it is so tempting to just get in my car and drive and not tell anyone where the hell I'm going.
I'm having an argument with one of my best friends. She just cut me off on the phone because I was trying to apologize for having broken down somewhat on the phone earlier this morning. (We were talking about the latest round of rejections from editors). And then she emailed me, apologizing for being abrupt on the phone and then said
I think you don’t realize that when you apologize and go on and on about how you’re sorry and you don’t mean to be “stupid” or “tiresome” or “fragile” – what you’re in effect saying is the rest of us (you know, humans?) *are* those things when we go through hard times and break down. Or else that you’re somehow above all that. Either one is a little difficult to take, since you’ve been present during some of the toughest and worst times I’ve ever had.
Which just through me for an utter loop and I'm sitting her in just absolute tears right now because it's so utterly the opposite of how I feel. I can't believe anyone would think I'm that arrogant. If anything, it's the opposite. I apologize because I don't want to be a burden. I've never been ALLOWED to break down. It's not just that it's not in my nature, but it's been drummed out of me from a very early age. Whatever was going on that was bad or upsetting me always had to be set aside because there was always someone who had it worse.
So I get the unmitigated joy of feeling guilty for going through the worst time of my life.
Sorry I'm being such a Drama Queen.
Barb--the same thing was said to me by my best friend when I was going throug my divorce. I don't think she wants you to feel guilty. I think she wants you to be be able to honestly share how crappy you feel. Let HER decide if it's too much or too stupid or whatever. When my BFF said that to me I was gobsmacked, but I realized she was right and that there was something distancing (for both of us) about my judging how she was reacting to my feelings for her and apologizing in advance. It was a big aha! moment for me.
Sonia seems deep. A poet, and an optimist, but no kool-aid drinker. I feel that I can respect her "endorsement"
Bush could never be McNutty, though. If the parking garage dream now makes me scream WITH FEAR, y'all know why.
Obama would be stoked...I hear he's a big fan.(I'm embarrassed to admit how much that decided me in re Obama/ Hill, but it's only in front of us, right? If I ever meet Jon Stewart, I'll say something else.
Barb, your friend is full of crap -- she just made it All About Her, when it was all about you, and justifiably so.
Also, you are SO not being a drama queen.
FiveThirtyEight.com report on an Obama rally with a speech by a Wire alum, and tons of Wire love in the comments
The last part of this report made me tear up:
Back at the rally, after the march had left MLK Gardens, I'd gone back for the car while Brett took photos, and I spotted a very old black man in a sharp Sunday suit walking slowly at the very back of the huge march. He hadn't yet arrived at the voting center, and I decided to find him when I got back.
I wanted to go talk to him, to ask him what this moment meant to him. He was a guy who you take one glance at, and know, that guy's seen it all. I wanted a quote. I had my journalist hat on. I thought, this will be great.
So when I got back to the voting location with the car, I went to find him in the line. Eventually I spotted him, and was ready to walk up the few feet between us and introduce myself when I stopped in my tracks.
A young black boy, no more than eight years old, walked up to this man, who was at least eighty. The boy offered the man a sticker, probably an "I Voted" sticker, but I couldn't see. The man took the sticker and paused. Silently, he looked down at the boy, who was looking back up at the man. The man put his hand gently on the boy's head, and I saw his eyes glisten.
I didn't ask the man for a quote. I didn't need to. I walked over by myself, behind the community center, and I sat down on a bench next to the track, and wept.
Seriously, full-on choked up over here.
Barb--the same thing was said to me by my best friend when I was going throug my divorce. I don't think she wants you to feel guilty. I think she wants you to be be able to honestly share how crappy you feel. Let HER decide if it's too much or too stupid or whatever. When my BFF said that to me I was gobsmacked, but I realized she was right and that there was something distancing (for both of us) about my judging how she was reacting to my feelings for her and apologizing in advance. It was a big aha! moment for me.
In this, as in so much else, Scrappy is wise. Barb, I'm sorry that your friend made you feel guilty, but I sincerely hope she was just trying to express the above and was clumsy about it. And you can come to the North Beach Spa at any time.
Barb--the same thing was said to me by my best friend when I was going throug my divorce. I don't think she wants you to feel guilty. I think she wants you to be be able to honestly share how crappy you feel.
See, I don't get that from what Barb's friend said. She said that Barb's self-description of being "tiresome" or "fragile" made her (friend) think that Barb thinks that about *other* people going through tough times. And then the friend referenced tough times that *she* had gone through, with Barb by her side.
To me that sounds like the friend making it all about her, when Barb was just talking about herself.
And Barb, I realize I'm being hard on your friend, but I just think that when someone comes to you with their pain, you don't tell them (in essence) they're doing it wrong.
I realize I'm being hard on your friend, but I just think that when someone comes to you with their pain, you don't tell them (in essence) they're doing it wrong.
I see the point in what Scrappy was saying, but really this is what the end result was for me. That I felt that I was doing something wrong. She seems to be having trouble with the concept that just because I see myself one way, I don't see the rest of the world the same way. I'm harder, harder, harder on myself than on anyone else. So because I'm going through this right now and I'm being kind of weepy and fragile, even when I think I've processed through it, and I apologize for feeling like a burden, she takes it to mean that when other people do it, I must think they're being tiresome burdens as well, when that's the furthest thing from the truth.
I was just so stunned by that-- it really set me off and I haven't been able to stop crying since.
{{{{Barb}}}} I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Oh, Barb. I have to hope that she didn't mean it to be quite as harsh as it came out, and I know exactly what you're going through. It's hard to ask for help or reassurance when you're not used to doing it, and my instinct is always to apologize, too. It does NOT mean I think other people are needy or whiny or burdensome when they do, though, and I can see why it upset you.
::cuddles Barb::
Barb, your friend is full of crap -- she just made it All About Her, when it was all about you, and justifiably so.
Also, you are SO not being a drama queen.
What Teppy said! Also, what a lovely picture of your daughter. The boys have been awful for years when trying to get pictures of them.
In political news, I realized on my drive home that I have only seen 2 signs on the amendments. Both urging No votes on the "marriage protection" amendment. This is encouraging.