Vortex, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. {{{{{ }}}}}

I need the perspective from people who have been divorced, because, not having been so myself, I don't understand The Boy's P.O.V. on some things.

Well then, I'll add my two cents. When you form a new committed relationship after a divorce, you're in an odd space emotionally. You are ready to move forward and you don't have doubts about the person you're with. But you may have some doubts about yourself, or what it means to make a lifetime commitment.

You made this choice before and it didn't work and even after you move past it, there's some damage.

So the trickier part with the new person is that you do want them to understand who you are, and what you've been through. But there's no real safe way to express this huge, life changing experience to them. The life changing experience being the divorce - not so much the previous marriage.

So, whereas you are focused on the fact that he was married to somebody else. To him, that's probably very far from the point. The Boy is very clear that the first person was the Wrong Person and you are the Right Person, so it's almost hard to imagine that you'd feel jealous. What he does want to convey is this sadness and damage that comes from divorce.

It is an experience that changes you. How can he let you know who he is without telling you about what he lost? Not because he lost that person, but because he lost something of himself. A kind of open faith in the future.

And because it needs a separate post, I'm so sad for your loss Vortex. I know how close you were with your father. What a horrible shock, and loss.

Hec, I'm so glad you liked L! She LOVED the tour. She really is a very cool chick. She's my assistant--how lucky am I? It was lovely to see you as always.

so it's almost hard to imagine that you'd feel jealous.

I'm not jealous; if that's how I'm coming across, then I'm not expressing myself well. I just feel...unsure, like showing me his wedding pictures (happiest day of his life, etc.) just underlines the fact that *he* feels like his divorce was a massive failure, and my presence -- being Not The Wife -- is a constant reminder of that failure.

*I* don't feel that getting divorced makes him -- or anyone -- a failure. But I know that that's how he feels about himself.

So I'm in this relationship role that was supposed to be filled by his wife (in his estimation), but I'm clearly Not The Wife. So I'm a reminder of his failure.

And a replacement.

I'm not jealous; that never occurred to me. How can I be jealous of an ex-wife-shaped hole in his life? I just don't fit that hole -- nor do I want to, because I'm not her; I'm me, and I can only fit a me-shaped hole -- and I don't feel reassured right now (by him) that he can live with that hole always. being. there. while I'm standing next to it, unwilling to try to fill it.

I see that, but you are seeing this as about you, and it's 100% about HIM. The hole isn't where she was, the hole is in his own self-image. My major malfunction after the divorce was that I chose this person and I loved them and they were wrong. Not only did they not love me, they broke me. I was the mistake. I couldn't choose well. I had terrible judgement. I loved stupidly. I could not trust my feelings. that's what I had to struggle with and it sounds like that's what he struggles with. The hole is in him and it's not something you fill. It has nothing to do with you.

I just wanted to share that I got my nap!

I have lots of thoughts on the relationship post divorce thing but the iPhone makes them hard To share.

It has nothing to do with you.

But it makes me feel *so* rotten.

And if it has nothing to do with me, then I can't *do* anything to make it better for him. And I can't stand being helpless.

I'm just hoping we don't disagree on the proper way to clean the bathroom.

I was going to say that there's really no wrong way someone else can clean my bathroom, because it means that I don't have to do it. But then I read Scola's post...

FWIW, Steph, I didn't get a jealous vibe from anything you've said. I also interpreted what Hec said to mean that it would be hard for the The Boy to imagine that you'd be jealous given that you are The Girl, a.k.a. The Right Person. (I always resist doing that - interpreting [out loud] what someone else posted, because maybe I'm not right. So, apologies in advance!)

I see that, but you are seeing this as about you, and it's 100% about HIM

This is exactly so, in my experience.

You are not a reminder of any kind of failure or a replacement. You are the good positive thing that allows him to imagine his own future again.

I also interpreted what Hec said to mean that it would be hard for the The Boy to imagine that you'd be jealous given that you are The Girl, a.k.a. The Right Person.

Exactly.

I could not trust my feelings. that's what I had to struggle with and it sounds like that's what he struggles with. The hole is in him and it's not something you fill. It has nothing to do with you.

This is also very much what I went through.