But you and I are the ones our guys are with NOW. To negate that is to negate their growth and their choices and their desires.

I know. I just also know that, 7 years later, he still regrets his divorce. I think it's more about the fact that he broke his vows, and less about wanting to be with his ex, but some days it's tough. Some days can think, "Of *course* he regrets breaking his vows; he's an honorable man with more integrity than I thought it was possible for one person to have, and I admire that deeply."

But some days I think, "The whole concept of 'moving on' is lost on you, huh?"

Also,it sounds like you really have your mom's number. I am sure it desen't make it hurt less, but I really admire you for your perspective.

God DAMN. I swear, I know why she's fucked up the way she is, but it still doesn't make me want to cut her any slack today.

I'm getting better at really believing that I'm pretty. More days than not. But that's way different than being Scarlett O'Hara. And I know that sounds like exaggeration, and all I can say is -- you don't know her. She's not a bad person, or a bad mother; she's human. But she puts an extremely high value on physical appearance, and above all, she puts an extremely high value on her ability to be the prettiest woman in the room. Anyone who threatens that -- and I never used to be able to -- is going to get caught in the crosshairs. I just haven't been the target before.

The equivalent would be me calling her "old" -- which, note, I didn't do when I "joked" back last night.

ISN'T ACTUALLY GODDAMN FUNNY

Seriously not. Appalling, really. Like Scrappy said, you've clearly got your mother's number, but I just... that sucks.

Well, Teppy, if it helps, I am the most disgustingly happy married person EVER and am grateful every day that I am with Jason, but there is still a part of me almost 20 years later, which is sorry that my first marriage imploded. I feel sorry for the clueless creature i was, who is going to get her heart broken to pieces. I regret choices I made then in dealing with him and with honoring my needs and with his infidelity and all kinds of stuff. I don't know of I am explaining it well, but it doesn't have anything to do with who I am now, and more to do with the fact the divorce killed a part of who I was then--even though the newer me is a better person.

I saw this on the way to the pet store. Welcome to Southern California.

I just also know that, 7 years later, he still regrets his divorce.

Well, Teppy, if it helps, I am the most disgustingly happy married person EVER and am grateful every day that I am with Jason, but there is still a part of me almost 20 years later, which is sorry that my first marriage imploded...it doesn't have anything to do with who I am now, and more to do with the fact the divorce killed a part of who I was then--even though the newer me is a better person.

What Scrappy said. I will always mourn my divorce, even though I know that ending my marriage was the right thing to do. It is inextricably part of who I am, and I can't deny that. And I do still have my wedding album, because I can't bear the thought of just throwing it away, even if the marriage ended up not working out in the end. I do want to look at it now and then because I love the way everything looked, my dress and my hair and all the dumb things that shouldn't matter but kind of do just a little bit still. I did show it to Drew at one point just because I wanted to share that part of my life with him, and I hope it didn't make him feel insecure. I shared it because I'd moved past it, if that makes any sense.

But that said, it sounds like the boy missed a lot of signals from you last night, and I'm sorry about that. There is a time and place for these things, no doubt. For what it's worth, I suspect that it was as Scrappy said, an attempt to share something with you rather than an attempt to make you feel excluded.

I also think that your mother needs to be cluesticked HARD, because her thoughtless and selfish comment seems to have formed a lens that distorted everything else that happened that night, including that awkward moment with the wedding album. I do think you have her number here, but I know that's not very comforting on a lizard-brain level. I'm sorry she made you feel so awful.

Yeah I'm sorry about The Boy's bad timing. But I seem to remember that he is really very bad at getting signals. One of the flaws you have to live with in return for the good things about him.

it doesn't have anything to do with who I am now, and more to do with the fact the divorce killed a part of who I was then--even though the newer me is a better person.

I know that, too; I don't need to have gone through a divorce myself to know that when your marriage ends, you also can never get into a new relationship without having an idea of how horribly wrong it *could* go. Even if you aren't being Eeyore and thinking it, you still know firsthand what could go wrong, so nothing new is ever the way it was when it was shiny and new and uncrushed.

I get that.

it sounds like the boy missed a lot of signals from you last night

Last night I just glossed over my mom's nasty comment and enjoyed the evening. I've achieved that much mental health. There was beer, there was 2 kinds of cake (layer cake AND cheesecake), there were mashed potatoes, there was dancing (though I did not do the Electric Slide, because I do have limits, even when drinking beer). No point in letting my mom's issues ruin my evening.

But today it's got ripples, you know?

It is inextricably part of who I am, and I can't deny that.

Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't love The Boy if he weren't the kind of man who honors his vows. His integrity is one of the things I love most about him.

I did show it to Drew at one point just because I wanted to share that part of my life with him, and I hope it didn't make him feel insecure. I shared it because I'd moved past it, if that makes any sense.

It *does* make sense; like I said in an earlier post, on a different day, if I didn't also have the psychic bruise from my mom, I might have been completely fine with the wedding album. I want to know about his whole life; it doesn't bother me that he's been married before.

Just, today -- it made me feel like I wasn't quite the right person.

I also think that your mother needs to be cluesticked HARD

I feel sorry for her, that she's losing something so ephemeral that she placed so much value on. That's got to suck. I also have always known that she'll poke at whoever seems to be a threat. But like I said, *I* have rarely been that threat, so I'm not ever prepared to fend off her pokes when they come my way.

he deals in single entendres and un-encoded messages, which is a joy to me

What a great statement to be able to make. Aaand, a case of the good news and the bad news being the same. I agree with Kristin about the mixed signals portion of the program. The Boy was clearly in his own head and not making the connection between your mom's appalling statement and his action.

The comment probably rolled right past him because he doesn't see you that way. Which is nice. It would be great if your mom didn't need ammunition like that but, as you say, the fact that she DOES need it is actually a good sign about the way your own life is going.

Living well is the best revenge, as they say.

The only thing I wish you could have done for yourself, rather than suffering through the wedding album when it wasn't the right time for you, was to say something like, "You there...over here...do me and we'll talk about weddings some other time."

Gritting your teeth just added to the pain! Not fair. No pain for you!!

I feel sorry for her, that she's losing something so ephemeral that she placed so much value on. That's got to suck.

This is super-wise.

But I seem to remember that he is really very bad at getting signals.

That's partly an ADD thing. It's not an *excuse,* but it is a characteristic of some people with ADD that they don't always pick up on signals. He's better at it than most, actually; I think that The Boy doesn't always know what to do or say when I'm hurting, because he doesn't want to say the wrong thing.

I feel sorry for her, that she's losing something so ephemeral that she placed so much value on. That's got to suck. I also have always known that she'll poke at whoever seems to be a threat. But like I said, *I* have rarely been that threat, so I'm not ever prepared to fend off her pokes when they come my way.

Oof. You really do understand her and I know you love her. I just wish she could get past her superficiality and realize just how lovely you really are.

I know my sister regrets her first marriage and subsequent relationship which also lasted a long time but ended before her current marriage. I think she's trying to learn from the mistakes and wants to keep the good parts but somehow can't really get past the bad, either. Closure is hard to get.