Geez, Aims, it's not like you knew they were Special Event Cookies.

ION, my ultrasound is today and I'm stressing myself out to the point of tears. My reasoning is something like this:

"What if I'm actually pregnant and too stupid to have realized it? But I have an IUD; I can't be pregnant! Then again, it's happened before. But no! I have a goddamn IUD and we use condoms and it's not like we actually have PIV sex all that often. But what if I'm pregnant and just stupid like those women who don't know they're pregnant until the day they deliver?....

"Okay, probably not pregnant. But what if I have a gigantic cancerous tumor? But my OB/GYN didn't feel ANYTHING when she did my exam last week...she probably thinks I'm a hypochondriac and just want attention. But my abdomen is fatter than it's ever been (which is why I'm probably pregnant, because of the fat), so maybe I have too much fat padding for her to have felt anything when she did the exam, because it was just her hands, after all....

"Jesus Christ, what if it's not pregnancy and not a tumor -- what if I'm just fatter than I've ever been in my life? Why is my abdomen disproportionately fat, then? Oh my god, I'm just trying to justify my fat! But I work out 4 days a week! Did quitting Zoloft make me *gain* weight? That couldn't be possible....could it?

"Oh my god, I'm just a big giant fat fatty and I'm desperately trying to find something that will let me excuse it away....NO WONDER we don't have PIV sex often -- The Boy thinks I'm disgusting and won't say it! This is like that horrible conversation we had last year!

"Maybe I should try diet pills/Atkins/fasting. Oh my god, I have to go to the beach with his entire family in 4 days and they'll see me in a SWIMSUIT! Okay, I just won't swim. But that would suck. But oh, my god, I'll gross them out!

"....I hope it's a tumor. A big giant football-sized BENIGN tumor. That would explain my GIGANTIC FAT ABDOMEN.

"...okay, that's sick. I shouldn't wish for that. I should just shut the fuck up and work out more/stop eating carbs/stop eating fat/stop eating altogether.

"But, okay, what about all the REALLY BAD abdominal pains I'm having? [Not to mention the whole thing where PIV sex ALWAYS hurts.] Fat doesn't cause abdominal pain or pain during sex ...right?"

* * * *

So, basically, I'm insane. Fat and in pain and IN-FUCKING-SANE. I would take an Ativan, but I don't know if I'm allowed to b/c of the ultrasound. And oh, can I say how UNTHRILLED I am that some medical tech I don't know is going to be shoving a dildo-cam up my bits?

I don't know what I want more: to find out that it's absolutely nothing, so my fat is my fault and my pain is all in my head, or to find out that I have a GIANT ALIEN BABY WITH TEETH in my abdomen.

And then let's not forget how my health insurance is switching just in time for this whole situation to be totally kerfucked. Although obviously if the results were serious and needed to be addressed right away, then I just wouldn't go on vacation next week and I'd have it taken care of before my health insurance changes. AGAIN.

Okay, they told me to drink 32 oz. of liquid about an hour before the procedure -- do you think that can be beer? Because I really think a beer is called for. Not that I *have* one at my desk or even in the office.

Oh, Sass! Hang in there, girl.

Steph, I can totally kind of relate. I hate these kinds of procedures. With a blind passion. Hang in there. And maybe call and see if you can take an Ativan. I've done it for other procedures. Actually, it's been recommended. I would definitely call and ask.

Teppy, I'm assuming you've told your doctor about the whitefont, because that seems like something note-worthy.

And, if it would help, I'd be glad to thwap your panicy inner voice. I'm certainly in the thwaping mood.

Oh, Tep. ::hugs you::

Um, don't drink beer. But I don't think an Ativan would hurt. It doesn't have any effect on the fullness of your bladder, or anything else.

Are they doing an ... invasive, for lack of a better word, ultrasound? With the wand? Or just the regular on-top-of-the-belly kind?

Just breathe, babe. Odds are it's nothing serious, and odds are *really* good it's not an alien baby.

What is PIV sex? Penetrative? You kids and your acronyms.

I vote giant alien baby with teeth, but then, I'm that sort of person.

In all seriousness, I vote in favor of deep calming breaths and something shiny to wave in front of your brain that will get it out of the overthinky panic cycle it's in right now.

The only reason I wouldn't choose beer before an ultrasound is that the reason they want you drinking liquid is so your bladder will be full and easy to see. Meaning they won't let you pee. So something slightly less diuretic than beer might be more, um, comfortable. I don't see any reason you couldn't take an Atvian, though.

Amy, I believe the middle word is "in" and the other 2 are anatomical nouns.

What is PIV sex?

Penis In Vagina.

Ah! Thank you, Debet. And Jess! Sometimes you really need to lead me to the right answer ...

Steph, I'm right on board with everyone saying have an Ativan.

Also, if it is a giant alien baby with teeth, we will welcome him with open arms and you will get all sorts of hand-me-downs so you won't need to worry about clothing it. Plus, think of all the money you'll get from SciFi cheannel when they make "Midwestern Alien Baby" the #1 cable movie next year.

We love you honey. Hang in there and have that Ativan.

Teppy, all of that is very stress (and beer) worthy. I hope that when it's over, there is no longer any reason to stress because whatever the dx, it's easy to treat and you can enjoy your vacation.

And to all you people who are hoping it's an alien baby (MM I'm looking at you) . . . just stop it.

::trying to be funny, possibly failing miserably::