Allyson, and Tom, I'm awed at your bravery, and that's neither platitude nor rhetoric. Some days it's an act of heroism to haul carcass out of bed, run soap and water over it, cover it well enough to be decent in polite society, and force it to go out among the other humans. And that's with lightweight psychic baggage.

t points and nods

Well, crap. Looks like tornado season has well and truly come to Wisconsin, just west of Madison for now, heading northeast. Looks like the storms are staying south of Steven's Point, though.

Seriously, y'all, be careful.

My sister just freaked me the hell out - she's on her way to play a wedding in Mayfield. Texted me that she was driving into a tornado, then called a few minutes later but there was no voice on the line and she didn't pick up for about 10 minutes while I was calling again and again. Finally she called back, totally freaked out and crying, sitting in the car in the parking lot of the church she was headed to, but afraid to get out of the car to go in since it's not right by the door. At least her phone is going through again. But fuck.

Okay, she's inside.

But groom is at home waiting it out and bride, entire wedding party, and a number of guests are in the basement at at B&B and not being allowed out. Should be a memorable wedding.

Should be a memorable wedding.

Indeed

Looks like the storms are staying south of Steven's Point, though.

Yikes. Hope they stay south. DH is in Indy where there is flooding so bad they shut down portions of the freeway around the city. The kids and I just got back from the grocery so we are in for the night.

Should be a memorable wedding.

They'll definitely have an interesting story to tell.

Everyone in the tornado path, please stay safe.

Tea:

It went from being the the 50s yesterday to nearly 90 today. I'm just starting to feel the heat in our apartment because it took a while for it to warm up. I was hoping it would stay cool in here at least until we made a decision about getting an AC unit.

Should be a memorable wedding.

Good plan there getting the storminess out of the way early on.

Oh Allyson! Everyone else has already said it better than I could. And all of your friends, we'll always be here for you when you need reassurance and support--I hope you never hesistate to ask. You are loved.

I found a picture of me from my senior prom when I was cleaning out stuff at Mom's the other day.

sj, I gotta ask: did you make a deal with the devil, because you don't appear to have aged AT ALL since then. (Also, you are so stunning, and pictures do NOT do you justice, because as pretty as that picture is, you are, like, 100 times more stunning in person.)

Before I met TCG, I was very much resigned to the fact that I was going to be single for the rest of my life. I also thought I deserved to be.

This is me. I still don't think I "deserve" The Boy, but he feels the same way about me, so it's a case of our fucked-upped-ness meshing fairly well.

Tom, do you want to be single? Or are you resigned to it? (...or did you murder your last girlfriend? Is this some kind of karma for past misdeeds?) Because, you know, you're awesome. And sufficiently cute that I was far too shy to say more than 'hello' at the F2F.

Scola is so sexy when he looked at me in SF, I giggled like a teenager.

(I don't know if I can say this properly without sounding creepy and weird[er], so I'll just say it.) While I am so totally happy with The Boy, in a way that I truly never thought I would ever get to experience, I'm fairly certain that if, in a different life, I lived in NYC, I'd be outside Scola's window barking like a dog. Or, you know, maybe singing the Spider-Man theme song. I'm not kidding, and I hope that isn't creepy.

I have grown tired of singleness.

The drying-up-of-eggs is certainly intensifying the effect.

I'm going to be 37 (BY THE WAY, IN 16 DAYS), and I'm fair certain that I don't have a biological clock. I don't feel tick or tock. I never expected to not want kids, but I don't. It's strange, and I'm still trying to re-frame that part of my narrative.

Fo shizzle my nizzle.

Seanie, I love you, man, but NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN. You can't pull it off, white boy.

I heard over the years that she couldn't stand the sound of my laugh, or the sight of my body. My mom was a broken teenaged mother who got pregnant at 16 and ran from horribly abusive alcoholic parents who said the same sort of things to her.

She doesn't remember this, but I gently asked about it, and she cried. She apologized. She took responsibility for it and feels horrible. I wasn't accusatory, I just wanted to know why, because it's just made it impossible for me to look in a mirror, to not constantly second guess whether my presence in a room is bothering people. I'm always feeling I need to apologize for taking up space, wherever I happen to be.

Sometimes it's louder than other times. It gets particularly bad when I feel attracted to someone, because it makes me hyper-aware of my own ugliness, how unacceptable and disgusting I am. My obnoxious laugh.

And it's hurting really bad right now because it's so front and center.

Allyson, my heart is breaking for you, and I'm crying really hard right now, because that's very much how I feel. I *know* now, as an adult, that my mom was FUCKED UP when she was raising me. I get that. But it didn't change the fact that she said and did horrible things to me, and installed a lot of tapes that I can't uninstall. I try and I try, and some days work better than others, but I feel like I will never be able to stop being the worthless soul-sucking weight dragging her (and, by extension, EVERYONE in my life) down and ruining her life. And that's a goddamn direct quote.

Allyson, everything you said about you and your mother could apply to me and my father. (Except that I'm not talking to my father right now). And I have trouble getting close to anyone, because I expect that anyone who is close to me is going to criticize me and berate me. I even welcome it, because that's what I think it means for someone to love me.

Scola, man, I'm still crying, because that's me all over. I expect the people I'm closest to to treat me like utter shit. The Boy is literally the first healthy relationship I've ever had. He's literally the first person who didn't make me feel like everything about (continued...)