( continues...) me was WRONG, on the deepest level possible. He's the first person who didn't make me feel like *maybe* I'd be barely acceptable IF I changed everything about me (including my goddamn hair) to match what he thought I should be.

And you know what? There are a LOT of days when I still don't know how to deal with someone who treats me well, who treats me like I -- like we ALL -- deserve to be treated. Part of me is always vigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the nasty comments to start, for the treat-me-nice-one-day-then-like-shit-the-next-day to start.

Being treated like shit? Feels like home to me. It's really fucking hard to be with someone who doesn't treat me badly, and I realize how FUCKED UP it is to say that.

Being with his extended family throws me into a tailspin for DAYS, because I get to see how his brothers are raising their kids, and there's so much goddamned love and ACCEPTANCE of exactly who the kids are, that it hits me in the solar plexus every. single. time.

I never had that, and I'll never get to. (In terms of my childhood, that is.) And I hate that. And therapy helped me deal with it, and helped me learn to cope with it when it rears its ugly head -- and that's been invaluable -- but it didn't make it go away. I suspect it will never go away.

And it sounds like you're doing a better job of dealing with it in therapy than I am. I've been going several times a week for many years now, and I still have lots of trouble talking about my father. It's just too painful for me.

You, however, are dealing with it, in spite of the pain. And we're all fucking proud of you for doing it.

Scola, I call bullshit on you not dealing well with it. There's no timeline for this. Absolutely not. So what you said to Allyson is what I'm saying to you -- you ARE dealing with it, in spite of the pain. And I am So. Fucking. Proud. of you for doing it. It's hard and it sucks and there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel, or maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train, right? And yet you're still doing it. And you've made progress, damn it, so don't discount that.

ION, I just had my first ripe nectarine this year. BRING ON THE STONE FRUIT SEASON! Holy hell, it was tasty.

I concur! Er, I haven't had a stone fruit yet, but I'm ready for them!

Oh, also? Fay should ask Bloke for coffee or the Thai equivalent. He'd realize pretty damned quickly how fucking lucky he would be to be with a woman like you.

No, not "a women LIKE you" -- with YOU.

Dooooooo eeeeeeeeet!

t hearts on Steph

Say, don't you have a birthday coming up?

This discussion on BIDs and image problems has been hard to read--good to read, but hard--because it hits so many sore spots that are far more sore than I thought they were even after all this time.

Allyson, thanks for posting what you did with your history with your mom. I'm glad she owned up to the fact that she was wrong, and regretted what she did.

Preach it, Teppy!

Say, don't you have a birthday coming up?

t whistles innocently, shuffles feet

Coffee: Fay, I forgot to tell you, but that is a FABULOUS haircut. And yes, you should definitely make the first move with Bloke.

Preach it, Teppy!

I preach straight from the pit of muck, you know? I'm barely any mentally healthier than I used to be, back when we were on Table Talk. I've learned how to cope when the ugly shit trips me up (and sometimes I don't cope *well*), but I doubt that I'll ever be able to make the ugly shit go away.

And maybe that's the secret: you can't make it go away, but you can learn how to, more or less, deal with it when it gets in your face.

Teppy is wise.

I just spent the last half an hour cleaning up shit. Owen yelled to me, "Owibia has a stinky diaper!" And by the time I got upstairs she had ditched her pull up--losing its contents in two different rooms. I did manage to find a really great organic stain lifter at the furniture store that can really clean up shit, though.

So, yay?

Man, that's one hell of a set of storm cells out there. The sirens just went off, again. This time it's coming at us from the southeast.