You do understand that your mother was wrong, Allyson? And it seems she knows she was wrong too. This obnoxious laugh was a product of her damage and her pain, not anything you were actually doing. Same thing with

my own ugliness, how unacceptable and disgusting I am

Figments of psychological pain. That's all.

Allyson, I'm sure your mom would take every single word back, if she could. I'm sorry, for both of you, that that happened, and that the damage got passed along to another generation.

And I know there's no magic wand that can suddenly fix things, or retrain your brain overnight so that it sees what we see when we see you. But I wish there was, I do.

Oh, Allyson. I'm glad you're in therapy right now, even though I know how hard it can be sometimes -- you get the stuff out in the light and then you have to look at it and deal with it. And I'm very glad you went off the AD you were taking, because that one was clearly doing a wrong number on you.

Would it help at all to remember that your mom's voice then was only hers? Just one opinion? Because when *I* look at you(r picture), I see a woman who has a wicked smile and great hair and is an incredibly talented writer who managed to make me laugh and cry while I read her book.

Allyson, everything you said about you and your mother could apply to me and my father. (Except that I'm not talking to my father right now). And I have trouble getting close to anyone, because I expect that anyone who is close to me is going to criticize me and berate me. I even welcome it, because that's what I think it means for someone to love me.

And it sounds like you're doing a better job of dealing with it in therapy than I am. I've been going several times a week for many years now, and I still have lots of trouble talking about my father. It's just too painful for me.

You, however, are dealing with it, in spite of the pain. And we're all fucking proud of you for doing it.

{{{{{Allyson}}}}} I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, and I'm glad you're in therapy. I'm sorry that what your mother said keeps you from seeing yourself clearly. You are a beautiful, bright woman. I hope you can see that someday.

{{Allyson}} Your mom sounds like my mother-in-law. MIL is a large woman. She was given up for adoption in 1946 because her mother was an alcoholic. Her adopted parents were alcoholics and she was constantly told she was too big, too stupid, too ugly, etc. She proceeded to marry an alcoholic and produced 4 huge children. Both my SILs are 6' tall. She constantly spews negativity, particularly about the size of the girls. Never in front of me because she has learned that I will not allow it.

Countless times I have had to tell this woman that she is not stupid or ugly or any of the other things she sees. I love her and would not lie to her about these things. She has the ability to do anything, but she just can't see it.

Allyson, your friends and loved ones are not lying to you. You are beautiful, as I have witnessed in person. You are brilliant and talented, as is well documented. You may not be happy with everything about yourself, and you are doing the right thing by working on that. But know that you are not the most objective person on the subject of you, and trust the people close to you.

Oh, hell.

{{{{{{{Allyson}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{Tom}}}}}}}}

I want so very much for a do-over for both of you - my gods.

As an aside, Gov't Mule's "Soulshine" came on while I reading everything, and I started crying, because it's so perfectly fucking apropos. You two - hell, all of you - have the most amazing souls. And yes, there's deep layers of crap that you've been through - crap that's been inflicted upon you by others and that you do not and never deserved - but that doesn't take away the fact that you're an amazing person, who is incredibly worthy of love.

I'm not as good with words as most of the people here, but I wish I could grab you and dance with you until you were laughing and felt as beautiful as you are. Because you are. You really are.

There's no switch, ita. I really, really wish there was a switch. It's not a decision, like breaking up with an idea and just saying, "I'm just going to put all of this shit in a box and send it back to the original owner and get on with my life."

And I really wish it could be like that. My mom is wrong now, when I'm 35. But she was my whole world until I was in my twenties, and she loved me, deep down she'd have given me her heart if I needed one, but she really didn't like me, and made it very clear that I was unlikeable. And if your mom thinks you're a disgusting pig, and a constant irritant, and you grow up trying to become invisible, which is the complete antithesis of what my personality demands, I'm....losing my point.

At some points, I gave up trying to be smaller, because it didn't matter. That was only one thing. The whole of me is rotten and in the way. I'd have to be someone else entirely, or not exist at all, to lessen the pain for others sharing my vicinity.

I get tired of wishing I was dead. I get tired of having to remember that if I was, I'd burden other people with all the stuff that would need to be repacked and moved out, that my cat would end up in a shelter or worse, that they'd have to find someone else to deal with all the shit that needs to get done at work.

It's a balance between how inconvenient I am when I'm alive, and how inconvenient I'd be if I was dead. I'm in a constant state of apologizing for my existence.

I'm trying to escape it. I went out with Paula and Lori last night and saw Paula's brother perform at the Improv. We were seated next to two young men, and I tried very hard to sit as far from them while still behind Paula as usual. I felt bad that the young man next to me might feel like people thought I was with him. I wanted to be behind Paula so other people wouldn't see me. I don't know if I've always done stuff like this, or if I'm just aware that I'm doing it now.

I kept trying to defend myself with the fact that clearly, the most awesome person in the room was Lori, and clearly, she was with me. Suckas.

Allyson, you're right, there is no switch. Just an uphill battle to retrain your brain. But over here on the sidelines, I will offer what I can, which is mostly pompoms and psychic Gatorade or something.

You are worth the struggle.

PS, can someone tell my phone that retrain is not the same thing as retain? So I don't have to edit autocorrect?

I love it, but sometimes, it makes inappropriate switches.