Burrell that reminds me that I totally owe you feedback! My brain has been vacationing these last couple weeks.

laga, have you read any of it or should i send you chapters 1-4?

I haven't read any of it but what you posted on line. I'd love to read it from the beginning!

insent to all with thanks.

I made Samwriter open your edits, Bev, I'm too scared.

Oh honey, you know I'm gentle. Plus, there's never much wrong.*

I am curious what he had to say, comparing his and yours, though. I was not ruthless with his chapter, but I was honest, and I winced about it a little bit after I sent it. He wrote me the sweetest thank you note.

*Where "wrong"="might need to be tweaked."

I was not ruthless with his chapter, but I was honest, and I winced about it a little bit after I sent it.

Bev is me here. I was the same way, wincing and all. which Allyson well knows.

It helped him push through it, and he sent me a rocking draft, with fleshed out fight scene, bolder description...he rose to it. Which means I'm not facing enormous rewrites.

No wincing. He's crash-coursing it. I'm proud of him. It's been lovely to watch someone bloom.

The book is something that I've been wanting to quit. I can't keep the narrative arc up, I'm not imaginative enough to make it compelling fiction. It's all very amateurish, and I feel ashamed of what I've written.

Sobbed good and hard in the shower.

I'm resisting my usual "sweetheart" here, with some effort.

It is *not* amateurish, it's juvenile. Which is what it needs to be, as a kids' book. There's no need to "keep up" the narrative arc. Do you know the points Sam is going to hit on his journey? I think you've outlined them before. So all you do is tell his story, point to point.

Realistically, you've done that, with very few off-point wavers, and a wobble or two in POV: while Sam's story is being told by an adult with a snarky sensibility--refreshing in kids' lit--it needs to stay fairly factual in details because you're talking to kids. This is not a Disney version of How Lion Prides Work. The Lion King gives me *HIVES* with all the bad wrong information--it's not even really good storytelling, because you could actually tell much the same story and stay mostly factual to how nature actually works.

Which, okay, is a hobby horse of mine, and Kipling be damned.

But. Your stuff is whimsical where it works and reasonably factual where it teaches, which is exactly what it should be. No crying in the shower. Well, beyond what's just compulsory as part of the whole getting-through things.

Your truly unique voice is coming through, even though this is a kids' story. And Sam is a real boybat, and I'm eager to find out what happens to him on his journey to adulthood. As will all your readers be, regardless of age.

Allyson I'm coming at the story as more of a fan than an editor. I've done proofreading for friends in college but I got so wrapped up in the story (and I'm only halfway through part 3) that I've had trouble noticing anything I would change. I think I saw a typo somewhere in part I. I will re-read and make notes and send them your way tonight at the latest. Is there a specific kind of notes you're looking for?

I'm not imaginative enough to make it compelling fiction.

wrong! (see above re: wrapped up in the story)

It's all very amateurish,

also wrong.

and I feel ashamed of what I've written.

wrong on so many levels.

edit: or what Beverly said, much more eloquently than I.

There's got to be something wrong for me to feel this much shame about the writing, though. And I can't find a solution.