Deena, what's a little more context? I mean, beyond the sentence being an awkward read.

I don't know how to explain it grammar-wise but I think "Zinny finds that the hallucinations are persisting." scans a bit better.

I would change the last word to persistant. Unless the writer feels that hallucinations have their own will power and can carry an active verb participle.

The context... an author sent us a list of her literary awards and her publications, and asked us to read her novel based on a single paragraph, of which that was the pivotal sentence. Her synopsis is...interesting: Jewish witches in New Orleans. A wife has just stumbled off the bus to find her husband, who has been lured away to NO by a weather girl.

...edited to remove the submission paragraph....

I'm trying to decide if I want to ask for more or if I want to tell her 'next time follow the guidelines and good luck.'

eta: In a bit, I'm going to edit the significant portion out since I'm not really comfortable posting someone else's words in public and leaving them there. And edited.

Huh. That was part of it Ellen, thank you.

Also, thanks Barb. I meant to add that I was sorry about your brain abusing you, but somehow hit post instead. I should have added as well, that I try to give some feedback if the author seems to have tried. It makes submissions reading harder for my brain, but easier on my conscience.

Laga, that particular "that" is often a sore point between authors and editors. I think here I'd leave it out.

I wish I was a little more of a rules editor than an instinctive editor. I get it right most of the time, but sometimes I can't articulate why.

I wish I was a little more of a rules editor than an instinctive editor. I get it right most of the time, but sometimes I can't articulate why.

This is exactly the way I feel.

Um, hyperbole much? From a strict, writer who's well-versed in submitting viewpoint, I'd never use something so... flowery as the sole basis of submission.

Personal biases aside, what bothers me is that the portion of the sentence you questioned doesn't seem to match to the opening, prior to the first comma, in terms of structure. I suck at parsing sentences, but there's something there that's just not right.

in context I like it better without the 'that'. I think the hallucinations do seem to have a will of their own.

Also, thanks Barb. I meant to add that I was sorry about your brain abusing you, but somehow hit post instead.

Heh-- thanks Deena. I'm better now because I was able to get some feedback to settle the Girls in the Basement down and because I recognized that the brain was on overdrive because of Jasmine (the Lab) waking me up at 5:15.

That too, Barb. Thank you.

Java, thanks. If you do it too, it can't be all bad, right?

Laga, sorry about that. I should have given the entire context at the beginning. I think I was trying not to ripple the thread.

I think she had a story (good or not is hard to tell) and then went in and pasted things on to make it literary, or chick-lit, or maybe it was the other way around... I think I'll pass on it.

Thanks guys.

Am out of synch!

Sorry about the happy puppy wake-up call. That would have me cranky too, especially because I was up too late reading Wicked Game by Jeri Smith-Ready.