Sigh.

Two people on one of the romance writing loops I still belong to just posted first sale announcements within five minutes of each other, and to houses I would've been over the moon to sell either of my romance manuscripts to.

I'm happy for them, I honestly am, but I feel like I've been waiting to post that same message for forever now, and I have no idea if I'm even getting any closer. And no, I'm not writing just to sell. I write because if I stopped it would leave a hole in my soul--the stories are in me, and I need to get them out onto the page.

But. I do want to sell. And there's this part of me that wonders if I suck, if I have no talent, because I've been at this for seven years now. I know people who started after me who already have books on the shelves, and I've never worked for so long at something with no tangible success to show for it. It would suck if I, well, sucked, and am too stupid and blind to realize it.

Just venting, mostly...

You don't suck. But I know how you feel. I get a twinge of that feeling every time a Buffista who has been seeking publication for a lot less time than I have gets published. Just that old green-eyed monster plus natural insecurities.

Thanks, Typo. I don't really think I suck. I mean, I figure that PNWA contest result must mean something, and I get generally positive comments on everything from style to storytelling ability from people who ought to know whereof they speak. I'd just love for one of those people who love my work be an acquiring editor, you know?

Yeah I know. But when someone else gets something you want, there are two things we can't avoid having run through our heads. "Maybe I really don't deserve it." And "I totally deserve it. Why do they get it?" Not a big part of us, but there for a moment.

FWIW, I always have the feeling clawing at the back of my brain that the publication of Vampire People was some sort of horrific error and undeserved.

I'm convinced that Sam is laughable. I keep trying to put up a good front of confidence, but I'm convinced that I'm making an embarassing mistake.

Sam is a wonderful idea, and when it's published, I will buy copies for every child I know. I have given Vampire People to four or five people who also loved it, including one who has watched very little television and never been involved in an online group. I so wish you could have even a tenth of the admiration for yourself that other people have for you.

Allyson, I gave a friend a copy of Vampire People and she thought it was interesting. Then, recently, she was able to use what she'd read in the book as a way to explain internet communities to someone who had no idea of what they were. So your book is being educational, as well as entertaining.

Allyson, I put Vampire People on my best of 2007 list: [link] Just one person's opinion, but I'm awfully picky...

Susan, quick question, is there anything, in the history of ever, that you failed to relate to yourself and your quest for, not only fame, but literary immortality? Because I've known you for years and I don't think so. Yes, many of us share Allyson's dream, but most of us can be a bit gracious and dignified about panting after it. And I get insulted every time you post how you are so much more talented than everyone here. I just thought I'd say that before you block me for being SO Mean. Maybe you're not published because agents already represent arrogant pains in their ass that make them money and they don't need a newbie one.

erika, it has never been my intention (or my belief) to say that I'm more talented than everyone here, and I honestly don't see what in my post from today or any of my posts from before gave that impression.

Today in particular I wasn't even talking about anyone here--it was my reaction to something that happened on another list. I came here to vent specifically because I didn't want to offer anything *there* but my heartfelt congratulations. And I wasn't comparing myself to those writers--I couldn't if I wanted to, because I haven't read their stuff.