Chapter two is kicking my ass. I feel like it lost all the magic. I need to find a way to bring the Sam of it back in.

I'm just heartbroken. It needs much more thought.

Just venting.

My co-author just sent me the pirate chapter. I just wanted to share his description of the setting:

The mountains opened up like extended arms, with palms facing up in offering, to an oasis of beauty.

The long trek had led him to another sea, but none like he had ever seen. This sea was still as stone. The surface looked like a mirror that had been laid flat on the ground.

The moon's reflection on the ground confused Sam for a brief instant and he wasn’t sure if he was right-side-up or the world was upside-down.

LOVE!

Chapter two is a hit with Ashley, age 6!

Allyson, you just might need to get used to thinking of yourself as a success.

Sigh.

Two people on one of the romance writing loops I still belong to just posted first sale announcements within five minutes of each other, and to houses I would've been over the moon to sell either of my romance manuscripts to.

I'm happy for them, I honestly am, but I feel like I've been waiting to post that same message for forever now, and I have no idea if I'm even getting any closer. And no, I'm not writing just to sell. I write because if I stopped it would leave a hole in my soul--the stories are in me, and I need to get them out onto the page.

But. I do want to sell. And there's this part of me that wonders if I suck, if I have no talent, because I've been at this for seven years now. I know people who started after me who already have books on the shelves, and I've never worked for so long at something with no tangible success to show for it. It would suck if I, well, sucked, and am too stupid and blind to realize it.

Just venting, mostly...

You don't suck. But I know how you feel. I get a twinge of that feeling every time a Buffista who has been seeking publication for a lot less time than I have gets published. Just that old green-eyed monster plus natural insecurities.

Thanks, Typo. I don't really think I suck. I mean, I figure that PNWA contest result must mean something, and I get generally positive comments on everything from style to storytelling ability from people who ought to know whereof they speak. I'd just love for one of those people who love my work be an acquiring editor, you know?

Yeah I know. But when someone else gets something you want, there are two things we can't avoid having run through our heads. "Maybe I really don't deserve it." And "I totally deserve it. Why do they get it?" Not a big part of us, but there for a moment.

FWIW, I always have the feeling clawing at the back of my brain that the publication of Vampire People was some sort of horrific error and undeserved.

I'm convinced that Sam is laughable. I keep trying to put up a good front of confidence, but I'm convinced that I'm making an embarassing mistake.

Sam is a wonderful idea, and when it's published, I will buy copies for every child I know. I have given Vampire People to four or five people who also loved it, including one who has watched very little television and never been involved in an online group. I so wish you could have even a tenth of the admiration for yourself that other people have for you.