Thanks. It's a fantasy world, so I'm exactly sure how to frame it so I was trying to go with quickly describing the world's setup.

It's so tempting to start with, "In a world where..."

What she said, Gud. It's a bit tighter now.

Thanks all. And I hope the sick people get less sick, Sox. I like some of those tweaks.

Is it too many paragraphs? Or is it a case of nobody really cares as long as it's short?

As long as you can keep it to a page, it doesn't matter much, Gud.

What Amy said, Gud-- and I like Sox's fixes. It's definitely tight and gets across all the information you need.

Thanks. I'll be reworking it tonight.

Now my editing itch has gotten to me, mostly because "sense of foreboding" was bothering me:

Humanity exists on the brink, hunted by demons and a savage race known as the Fari. Mystical barriers protect the few isolated human enclaves, but their very survival is threatened as the demons increase in number and strength.

That survival rests on Aimee Fallon, an unlikely heroine who spends her days creating magical gadgets. She discovers a mysterious artifact that is the key to stopping the source of the growing demon threat, a corrupting power awakened after centuries of dormancy. With a group led by her mentor, she leaves the safety of the city to try to put that power back to rest. However, Aimee soon discovers that neither friends nor enemies are what she thought they were. She finds herself alone against the new master of the ancient magic, the hostile lands of the wild, and a forbidden lover who suspects her of murdering his kin. The cause seems lost, especially because Aimee doesn’t believe she has a heroic bone in her body. But fate isn’t consulting her.

THE DEAD MOUNTAIN is a 120,000-word tale blending fast-paced adventure, romance, and betrayal. It’s a story in the tradition of epic fantasy, but with a female hero who relies more on her wits and determination than on swinging swords and slinging spells.

I'm very shallow, I admit it, but the last line about wits and determination vs. swords and spells made me plaintively think "but there will be some sword swinging, won't there?" But then my favorite movie genre is Things Blow Up.

Ah, but that's what makes it such a good line for a query, Connie. It lets the agent/editor know that all possibilities exist. That it's NOT just about swords & spells.