I got to the end of 21, but I still need to do my read through. I ended it a little short of where I thought I would, but I hit a good place to end at a good word count for a chapter, so I ended it there.

Spent part of last night reading through some of my old fanfic. No, don't know why, exactly. As expected, technique-wise, it was pretty terrible. Head hopping all OVER the place. Story-wise, there was some cliché, but to be expected, since they were pretty heavy on the romance side of thing, but two things really jumped out at me: one, that with each story, I can visibly seeing technique improving and two: damn, but there was a lot of heart and joy and passion in those early stories.

I want to really remember what it was like to love writing like that again.

Maybe that's what drove me to read them.

I can see loads of improvement just going from my rough draft to my first revision, and that was far better than my first attempt a few years ago.

Most of my first revision is a total rewrite, and it feels like I've gotten a lot better. I'm not altogether happy with this revision, but I figure it's almost another rough draft. At least I think the next revision isn't going to be completely rewriting almost everything.

Today I started listening to it in my car while commuting and comparing it to the experience of listening to my audio books. It's not there yet, it doesn't flow as well as other stuff I've listened to, but it isn't terrible. Of course listening to a computer read it doesn't help, but I try to compensate for that in my head.

Thanks, MM. I liked yours too. For vastly different reasons.

I want to really remember what it was like to love writing like that again.

I've been like that too. It's the biggest personal frustration in my life right now, that the writing just won't work. I caught myself reading something of mine and thinking, "I really like this story, why does this seem so familiar--oh my god. I wrote this." It's like a totally different person, with much more grace and talent, existed then. And then I start thinking that I can never match that again, and then I mentally smack myself and pull up some old unfinished stories and give it another shot.

I hear ya, Connie. I know that with me, it's been a combination of the book being cancelled, which was just such a huge blow emotionally, coupled with the fact that I let my last agent's comments worm their way into my brain along with the collective (lack of) wisdom of the publishing industry. All those "shoulds" and "have tos" that whisper insidiously along with the "I wonder if 'they' will like it" with no idea who the amorphous they really is/are.

In other words, I need to go back to writing for myself and only myself. It's when I was happiest.

But can you really do that, though? Because I already feel like I'm different than the writing hobbyist I used to be, and I bet I don't have the writing output that you do...not that you can't find fun in writing, but in some ways, isn't wishing that like wanting to go back to high school? (Maybe it's not...I'm asking, not being Devil's Advocate Gal.)

Go ahead, be Devil's Advocate Gal. I like it. And it makes me think. No, I can't really go back to that, because it's a whole different ball game for me now that writing's not just as an avocation but my vocation as well. It's impossible for me to go all the way back to the way it was and frankly, I'm too proud of what I've accomplished since then to completely regress.

I guess what I really want is to at least be able to recapture that feeling where it was just me in the writing bubble, you know? I know I was able to do that even up until the last couple of manuscripts, which were the ones where the other voices started intruding.

You know what I mean?

I keep getting good reviews for things, and it should feel like encouragement, but instead I feel like "I don't know how I did that, I don't think I can recreate that kind of work, laurels are comfy, right?"

Yeah, I get it. And your confidence got shaken with the book deal not happening too. I'm getting cursed for all the times, as a total noob, I wished for "just a little feedback" and hand-holding.Because one of my editors wants me to revise a story I didn't care about during the second revision a third fucking time. And even if I kill it, even if I feel the spirit of Flannery O'Connor enter my body during the revision process, getting it right will just mean a tiny pittance I can't even think of in hourly terms and a story that will sink like a rock. I'm so tempted to ask him to like me less, but lucky me, I get the Duckie Dale of zine editors, the only person who is a bigger loser in the media world than I am. And apparently he wants me to revise so you can read my story right after coma rehab; as much as I hate revisions, I really hate revising so that my work can be read by the most literal-minded, non-attention-paying asshole with an internet connection. I mean, it probably always is, but that doesn't mean I like to think about it that way.