( continues...) funny?
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.
Can I use a cleaver?
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear.
"DROP IT OR I SHOOT!"
41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.
"BRING ME A DRINK OR I SHOOT!"
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear.
"PEE OUTSIDE OR I SHOOT!"
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.
I have done all three of these things. Surprisingly, they all worked.
44. Ask for help.
But...but...Aims always laughs...
45. Break another man's grip on his wrist.
Can I use a cleaver?
46. Tell a woman's dress size.
Oh, hell no. That's a trap and I ain't falling for it.
47. Recite one poem from memory.
"There once was a man from Nantucket..."
48. Remove a stain.
You use bleach, right? Right?
49. Say no.
No.
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.
Got it.
51. Build a campfire.
Does it count if it becomes a forest fire?
52. Step into a job no one wants to do.
Got it.
53. Sometimes, kick some ass.
Can I use a cleaver?
54. Break up a fight.
"STOP IT OR I SHOOT!"
55. Point to the north at any time.
Got it.
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.
Is this a skill any man should have, or that James Bond should have?
57. Explain what a light-year is.
*sigh*
58. Avoid boredom.
I read this stupid article, didn't I?
59. Write a thank-you note.
"Thanks. Signed, Joe."
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product.
Why? What the hell?
61. Cook bacon.
Got it. There's a lot of smoke, but the bacon? Cooked.
62. Hold a baby.
Got it.
63. Deliver a eulogy.
Can I use that Nantucket poem?
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch.
Got it.
65-67. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.
All but 67. I tend to hurl them into the neighbor's yard.
68. Find his way out of the woods if lost.
How about this? Don't get lost.
69. Tie a knot.
Ooh, bondage. A manly skill indeed...
70. Shake hands.
...and stinkpalm the son of a bitch.
71. Iron a shirt.
I use a super-heated steamroller.
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.
Don't forget the Funyuns.
73. Caress a woman's neck.
Does it count if they say "Ew. Stop it."?
74. Know some birds.
Turkey. You eat it at Thanksgiving.
75. Negotiate a better price.
I like "free".