It was TeeVee and not net!learning, so it was linear. No Illuminati. History International falling down on the job?

Okay, like three more hours work and then pain relief. Too silly.

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Woo, Allyson!

Boo, Esquire.

Secret handshake to the Freemasons. I've got an active Oddfellow hall down the street from me and I think they may have to be my favorite secret society. Or not secret. Whatever. It's such a fine name, Oddfellows.

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here's Esquire's list of 75 Skills Every Man Should Master.

I can't take such a list seriously if it's missing "Walk in 3-inch heels."

(Seriously, it's simultaneously cool and really annoying to have a BF who walks better in heels -- and in *higher* heels -- than I do.)

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Everything I've seen quoted here from that list sounds like skills women should master.

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ION, I just got to call people for interviews, and one of them was Super Excited. She said, "You just made my day!" I kind of wanted to give her the job just for that.

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So brown-nosing works?

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Hardly any of my applicants really seem like they want this job, so, kind of. They all seem like they want a job, and many of them seem like they would be fine at this job but hardly anyone made a case for this job.

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Heh. It occurs to me, everyt ime I've scheduled an interview, there've been children engaging in war in the background.

Admittedly, not many interviews, but still...

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Congratulations, Allyson! that's awesome!

So Book Expo is next month here in LA. I need to register. Anyone wanna go with me?

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1. Give advice that matters in one sentence.

I may have done this. But if I did, I must have been sober. Couple of drinks and I cannot shut the fuck up.

2. Tell if someone is lying.

Usually. I think.

3. Take a photo.

Well, I'm no Ansel Adams, but I do okay.

4. Score a baseball game.

Not a chance in hell. I don't pass the first requirement of scoring a baseball game: Watching a baseball game. After that comes: Giving a shit about a baseball game, and I've never made it to that point. Fail.

5. Name a book that matters.

Matters...to who? I can tell you several dozen that matter to me...

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.

Cannot be bothered. See above re: Scoring a baseball game.

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.

I can cook meat many other places than the grill.

It's cooking on the grill I have trouble with.

8. Not monopolize the conversation.

See above re: Couple of drinks.

9. Write a letter.

Nailed it. No prob.

10. Buy a suit.

Not without help. I am sartorially challenged.

11. Swim three different strokes.

Do I have to be good at those, or can I fake it?

12. Show respect without being a suck-up.

Do I have to be good at this, or can I fake it?

13. Throw a punch.

Got that.

14. Chop down a tree.

Why would I ever do this?

15. Calculate square footage.

Got it. Why this is a manly skill and not a Skill Everybody Should Have, I don't know.

16. Tie a bow tie.

Buy a clip on. How long am I gonna wear a fuckin' bow tie?

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well.

I can do that. It's called Beer. I buy it in large batches from the store.

18. Speak a foreign language.

I suppose LOL speak doesn't count. How about Klingon?

19. Approach a woman out of his league.

I have done this many times. "Excuse me...do you know what time it is?"

20. Sew a button.

Believe it or not, I can do this.

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.

Does "Oh, fuck your country anyway!" count as xenophobic?

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn't have to ask after it.

Does it count if I just don't ask and assume everything is fine unless told otherwise?

23. Be loyal.

Got it. Feed me and I'm yours. Like the dog.

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope.

Cyanide. Quick and painless. No question.

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.

Does it count if I don't know if it's an eightpenny nail or a sevenpenny nail?

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.

I can do that. Cast the whole thing right into the lake, go drink. So sighing or shrieking involved.

27. Play gin with an old guy.

Why is this on the list?

28. Play go fish with a kid.

Not only can I do this, I can totally kick the kid's ass at this game.

Oh, wait, I guess that's not how to do it.

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.

No prob.

30. Feign interest.

Hm?

31. Make a bed.

Do you mean "Put sheets and blanket neatly on a bed" or "Build a bed from wood you have hewn from the tree you cut down earlier"?

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick.

"It tastes like ass."

33. Hit a jump shot in pool.

Does it count if it flies off the table and lands in someone's pitcher of beer?

34. Dress a wound.

Is it cool if wounds wear white after Labor Day?

35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil (once).

Got it. But isn't this three things?

36. Make three different bets at a craps table.

VEGAS, BABY!!

37. Shuffle a deck of cards.

52 Pick up. IJS.

38. Tell a joke.

Does it have to be (continued...)

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