Laura, that letter is awesome. I think it's just enough firm and respectful. All of the options are great, too and hopefully he'll see you all want them to go north and be mindful of mom's health.

I think the letter is perfect. You may want to delete:

How can the two of you possibly believe that she has the strength and energy to ride 1500+ miles to New York?

He might read this and be too upset to continue reading.

You and your siblings are offering some very kind solutions and I sure hope he defers to you.

edit: what javachick said. I think the letter works just as well if you cut that line out.

You're right, javachick. That was the part of me that wants to shake them and scream breaking through. The objective is to persuade him, not make him more stubborn.

I was just about to say what javachick said. I would read over it one more time before you send it to your sibs.

I already sent it to the sibs, but I wasn't going to send it to step-dad until tomorrow to let it rest and give them a chance to comment. We talked about it on the phone yesterday.

That was the part of me that wants to shake them and scream breaking through.

Laura, I totally understand that feeling. My grandfather adopted me and for the last few years of his life (he died at 90), I was his caretaker, sometimes from across the continent. I learned to use a lot of humor (instead of telling him to take a shower when he hadn't for over a week, I would say, "you're getting ripe" and leave the decision-making to him) and to also understand how incredibly demoralizing it can be to feel dependent on anyone.

He is used to caring for your mom, and he probably prides himself on knowing her better than "anyone". And caring for her and loving her is what he signed up to do when he married her. So he might feel resentful that he feels as though his decisions about her care aren't being respected. The more you can give the impression that you and he are working together and that he's got some input (and therefore can still feel responsible) for her care, the more he might relax.

That's my (unasked-for) two cents, take it or leave it. Before I took care of Gramps, I ran an assisted living center in Palo Alto, CA, too, so I've seen these transitions first-hand. They're never easy.

There's a place out of San Francisco called Through The Looking Glass, sj, that might be able to point you to some resources. I wanted to write an article on disabled parents once, which tanked, but it was not their fault. They were very helpful. Good luck. Fay, get out of my brain! Well, at least that *piece* of my brain.