I already sent it to the sibs, but I wasn't going to send it to step-dad until tomorrow to let it rest and give them a chance to comment. We talked about it on the phone yesterday.

That was the part of me that wants to shake them and scream breaking through.

Laura, I totally understand that feeling. My grandfather adopted me and for the last few years of his life (he died at 90), I was his caretaker, sometimes from across the continent. I learned to use a lot of humor (instead of telling him to take a shower when he hadn't for over a week, I would say, "you're getting ripe" and leave the decision-making to him) and to also understand how incredibly demoralizing it can be to feel dependent on anyone.

He is used to caring for your mom, and he probably prides himself on knowing her better than "anyone". And caring for her and loving her is what he signed up to do when he married her. So he might feel resentful that he feels as though his decisions about her care aren't being respected. The more you can give the impression that you and he are working together and that he's got some input (and therefore can still feel responsible) for her care, the more he might relax.

That's my (unasked-for) two cents, take it or leave it. Before I took care of Gramps, I ran an assisted living center in Palo Alto, CA, too, so I've seen these transitions first-hand. They're never easy.

There's a place out of San Francisco called Through The Looking Glass, sj, that might be able to point you to some resources. I wanted to write an article on disabled parents once, which tanked, but it was not their fault. They were very helpful. Good luck. Fay, get out of my brain! Well, at least that *piece* of my brain.

Thanks for helping me with this. I'm a mess about it.

oh, honey, we are totally here for you.

I would take this out:

Mom has not been well enough to go the few miles to Jim’s house. She hasn’t been well enough to go the couple miles to Judi’s house. She hasn’t been well enough to go to mass. She hasn’t been well enough to shower and dress. She wasn’t well enough to walk out into the driveway when I left yesterday. How can the two of you possibly believe that she has the strength and energy to ride 1500+ miles to New York?

although it's true, I think objectively that it could be seen as accusatory. I get that you're trying to give concrete examples of why she shouldn't go, but maybe something like:

I've noticed that mom hasn't been going to mass or to Jim or Judi's house or even showering and dressing some days. I was really concerned yesterday when she couldn't walk me out to the driveway. Given that, it doesn't seem like she'd be well enough for a big trip to New York.

Just my .02. Take it or leave it :)

Can I get some pup-ma? my dog seems to have had an accident and is limping a bit again. She's also a drama queen, but I thought she'd be better by now. She seems to be doing most of her things, though.(eating, woofing, following us around)

Things I Hate About Customer Service:

FuckCake O' the Day: Hi this is FCO'tD. Is So and So in?

Me: Let me see if they're available.

(No, they're not.)

Me: Sorry, FCO'tD, So and So is not at their desk. Would you like their voicemail?

FCO'tD: I already left them a message.

Me: ...

FCO'tD: ...

...AND? So, what am I supposed to do about that? So and So is not fucking available, shit-for-brains, the fact that you, in the past, left a message and your call was not returned means a) So and So does not want to speak with you at this moment or thinks you're as important to his day-to-day as sloth snot and/or b) So and So has just not gotten around to you yet. Either way, I have no option c) for you. Hang the fuck up and deal with your shitty life or leave another goddamn message, either way get the fuck off my phone you cocksucker!

Sorry. That never fails to just aggravate the shit out of me.

Sorry. That never fails to just aggravate the shit out of me.

I know! When I was a receptionist, that drove me batty. I would wait an obligatory two seconds and say "okay then, have a good day!"

my dog seems to have had an accident and is limping a bit again.

When Pua limps she's usually got a burr stuck in her paw.

Thank you, javachik. I'm trying to be respectful. I'm the most diplomatic of the bunch. My oldest sister will likely fly down in full battle mode if I can't persuade them gently.

I'm trying to be respectful. I'm the most diplomatic of the bunch.

He and your mom are so very lucky to have you. The options you and your sibs are providing are exceptional.