Holy crap, Empress!
I think your letters are awesome, and I think your gameplan is excellent. And I agree that you need to shield yourself emotionally as much as you can, by really thinking hard about what outcome you are hoping for, and acknowledging that everything may go totally pear-shaped, and making sure you can live with that.
Meanwhile, today I'm taking my kids on a class trip. Insh'allah, all will go well.
Ginger, had I been drinking coffee when I read that, I cannot answer for the state in which my keyboard would presently be.
Well at least there's not a beserker cat in the mix, Ginger. I hope it all gets fixed, fast and well.
Aimee, both letters are totally kickass. Myself, I'd prefer to be approached first by a third, non-involved party: You have a half-sister, she'd like to meet you. That would allow me to accept or decline. It would also allow me the power of defining the sort of meeting. i.e., I will be happy to exchange pleasantries and brief bios. I don't wish to fall into anyone's arms until I know them and unless I like them.
Yes, I've spent a LOT of time thinking about this when I was deciding to pursue knowledge of birth family or not. I never wanted it for me, but the XDiL was concerned about genetic disorders and predispositions, so I did consider it. Ultimately decided against it. I was on a couple of adoptee/birth family boards, and realized the horror I felt at being "found" by strangers.
But we all know I'm a crusty, peculiar turtle of a woman, and you guys may feel completely open and welcoming to each other. There's no way to find out but to find out. So, I salute your courage and wish you both well.
As for biodad, I don't think I'd notify him ahead of time. He's gone out of his way to keep the two of you apart, he isn't going to change his mind just because she's older now. If you can find a person outside the family who's willing to be non-partisan towards either you or her to make first contact and possibly facilitate the first meeting, I still think that's the least-threatening way to go. It relieves any sense of expectation and allows each of you to be more at ease.
Best of all possible luck, love.
You're right, Bev. At least I'm not dripping blood.
My friend has finally left some kind of message about running into some people and going to a Superbowl party. Now that I know he's okay, I'm pissed.
Pissed is good, Ginger. Still a relief.
Wow Aims! Very exciting. The 3rd party option would be good if you can find a way. I'm rather in the camp of not telling BioDad. He had her whole life for that. She may know. Kids have a way of finding out stuff.
How old is Sister?
Pretty sure she's around 22 or so. Senior in college.
Third party would be nice if I had one. The only one I kind of have is "our" aunt who I'm in sort of contact with, but I don't want to put Aunt in the middle of the mess that, let's face it, Bio-Dad created.
Not only might he lie, he also might decide to paint a nasty picture of you or your mom and taint the whole process.
He might, and very well could. I would hope that he would be a bigger person than that, but then, I don't have any evidence of him ever doing that except signing off on his parental rights to me so my daddy could adopt me.
Maybe you could go through the counseling or chaplain's office at the school?
That's a really great idea. That would be somebody neutral and non-threatening, and also who would be capable of dealing with the emotional fallout if necessary.
That's an awesome idea. It gets sticky because, well ... he's a pretty bigwig alumnus at her college and I don't think he'd appreciate his "dirty laundry" being aired via his alma mater.
I'm really not trying to ask for advice and then shoot it all down, I'm trying to keep the hurt down on all sides (including mine) as much as possible.
And can I be selfish for a second and say that I resent the fuck out of having to be the bigger person in all of this? Even if I choose to NOT write Sister, I still have to be the bigger person in trying not to give up my power to him by wasting ebergy hating him when sometimes, doing that takes just as much energy as hating him would.
t /angry girl
I want to know my sister and I don't want to hurt her either directly or indirectly, but I'm having a hard time coming up with ways that will make tht a possibility, which means it can't be done and I know that and ... I'm rambling and being boring again.
I'm an only child. There. I just decided.
